Description: ok so... me and justin (iamyourtragedy) chose a word [catalyst] and wrote a poem about it this afternoon {right after i post this im off to check his out}
the bold words in the middle stanza which are also the last stanza are words from the song Summertime... this song has been my theme song for getting through the roughest month of my life...
hope the piece works...
[i have been many things
maybe i could be beautiful
one of these days
unbroken
unmended
[the catalyst:]
it becomes habit, being alone
waiting in line to hear you are loved
im tired of scared]
i have been many things one of these mornings
maybe i could be beautiful you're gonna rise up singing
one of these days you're gonna spread your wings
unbroken child and take to the sky
unmended until that morning
[the catalyst] nothings gonna harm you now
it becomes habit, being alone so hush little baby
waiting in line to hear you are loved no - dont you cry
im tired of scared
[ one of these mornings
you're gonna rise up singing
you're gonna spread your wings
child and take to the sky
until that morning
nothing's gonna harm you now
so hush little baby
no - dont you cry]
I had a hard time accepting the poetry in this piece Jaydee only because I love the song so much. My favourite versions are by two artists 1) Bobby Womack & The Roots [okay 3] 2) George Benson
The collaborative idea is a good one and shuns the normalised concepts of poetry. In terms of the relativity of both musical and poetic entries I like and get the synergy.
Janis Joplin is one of my all-time favorite singers of the history of the world, and when I listen to her blues recordings, it takes me straight into myself, and therefore this is just like reading my own thoughts with her singing. (Sorry, don't know if it was her version you were thinking here...) I have been many things/maybe I could be beautiful one of these days... Yesssssss! It's like passing through the morph phases, laying dormant in coccoons of numbness or misery between the changes, and yet, you never emerge the way you want to... you know each one will just lead to another, because you're still not "there" yet...
"waiting in line to hear you are loved..." Too true. What has struck me about dating, is the tiring repeated conversations with each new one... It is so horrible. It's like, there comes a time when you just don't even have to be there for it anymore. Geez, that sounds like another horrible poem in the making, doesn't it?
I really love how you piece the lyrics to the poetry, also... it fits together perfectly.
Oh! It works, and more. A very clever approach to your theme. Even though some words are borrowed, the art is in how you managed to weave within that framework your own images and meaning. It's no sin to use other material when it is done to enhance and promote your own ideas. Your message comes across as one of hope and courage.
Some parts I really liked:
"waiting in line to hear you are loved"
It is broad in meaning, can be taken many ways. Very original!
"I could be beautiful unbroken unmended"
This and the above, set up the in the reader the wish for the hope you serve up later.
Well I certainly enjoyed this, and that's important. It was an interesting and clever way of expressing your intended feelings. Well done.
Wow, you werent joking--our poems are totally different!
Yours is pretty straight forward as far as the meaning goes, but, I really love the message of hope. It's a little, different, than what you're usually writing about lol Well, I guess that's not really true. Most of your poems express hope and moving forward, but this poem isn't sad lol
So the catalyst is the morning your beautiful, or, I should add, see that your beautiful (beauty lies within everyone). As far as the structure of your poem... dang it... you always win!
Here you go again, writing stuff that can be read on its own, or dispersed throughout something else and it sounds good both ways! How do you do it? How!? Seriously, it's flawless.
I really liked "I'm tired of scared." It reminds me of a song, that doesn't really have a relation to this, but I'm reminded nonetheless. "I'm sick of being sick of being tired," or something like that. Anyway, the lyrics you chose for this were perfect, and I can see why you've been singing this as your theme song.
For the sheer brilliance of the concept of your poem and its format, I declare you winner lol SI really like this one Jaycee. And if I wasn't already there, I'd write home about it.
Oh, another line that really stuck me was "waiting in line to hear you are loved." That's the sort of thing I was trying to write about with that "answers without questions," talking about how long people were holding answers but no one was asking them the questions or saying the things so they could give the answers kind of thing. Anyway, yep, you win. Congrats. I'll mail you a pretzel!
i have been many things maybe i could be beautiful one of these days unbroken unmended...........
I Effin' love those lines. i read both yours and Justins, and I think both are good, and it's cute to see a little writing comp, but yours starts and ends with such a bang. It just really speaks to me...
i heard of duets in songs but this concept works and yeah the catalyst does a good job of comforting , the words are beautifully thought up "[the catalyst] nothings gonna harm you now it becomes habit, being alone so hush little baby waiting in line to hear you are loved no - dont you cry im tired of scared"
Jay, u sound kind of deep green in this one, i sense your emotions are as red as ever.
i have been many things one of these mornings maybe i could be beautiful you're gonna rise up singing one of these days you're gonna spread your wings unbroken child and take to the sky unmended until that morning .
ooooooooh i always like it when people mix another's art into their own - it's so much more interesting and revealing to read a poem grown out of a favourite song rather than them just going "i really like listening to summertime, it sounds so pretty" when you know there's more to it than that.
so what i get from the structure is that at the beginning there's frustration at events and yourself, but then you listen to summertime and the song dissolves the negative thoughts away until there is just the hope of the song left.
and as i'm strangely feeling more analytical than emotional today i find the presentation really pretty damn interesting.
and tomorrow, if i reread this, i'm sure the emotion will smack right into me instead and i'll dazedly think "wow! hope really is a most amazing of things".
Pretty cool this thing you got going on with Justin- writing about the same thing only in your own version. Very cool.
Your piece somehow still had this music sound in my head. If it didn't state poetry, i woulda think it sounded like lyrics because this piece was singing to me.
I'm trying really hard to remember the tune. I know that i know it, i just can't remember the beat to it. Don't worry, it's gonna come back to me sometime during the day...i get hit by thoughts all of a sudden. (wondering what kind of brain function i got). Lol
Anyhow, I'm glad you wrote something that actually does not sound sad but is filled with hope and the will to just put a smile on. I'm glad to see you getting through those rough times you had earlier.
Anyhow, hope to talk to you soon... Take care... ~Irina
Submission Name: summertime
