Description: This was brought on by an argument I had with a friend. She said some hurtful things. Because she felt like she annoyed me...and now she is gone. But I grow on.
A word, a single phrase
I become dumb
Struck down
The fight taken out of me
Quell me, silence me
In a single second
With one word
I burst into star dust
Laying on your kitchen floor
You there, Across the room
Will never know
The ease with which
You destroyed me
Breaking me
Into a thousand
Glittering facets
Of gorgeous lying
Critically melted, bombarded
Zombie-like pieces
Of my former self
All because
I didn't want to bicker
You left me in a heap
On your tile
To bleed
To feed the crows
You left me
So you didn't
Have to make an effort
To love me
Really picks up at line 12. This is good free thought. I know this feeling. It's like hopelessness, love, and hate, all in one. Quite the major ball in your chest.
First off, the 5th line:
"Quel me, silence me"
Sorry to be annoying, but the word is "quell"
Also, consider putting a period at the end of the line:
"I didn't want to bicker"
A period would force a pause, and a seperation of thought that I think would really help.
And after the line:
"To feed the crows"
Consider a period or comma to force a pause. But that is just an opinion on the last one.
Besides me being overly picky, this poem is awesome. It's going on my favorites list, and you on my stalk list, but please change quell, and consider the punctuation changes. But seriously, this is a great emotional telling of an event that I too have went through, and remember it being very close to this. Sweet poem, 5/5, and I'll be reading the rest of your poems right now, I'm hooked.
Words are powerful tools. They can devastate, hurt, and cripple. People sometimes lose control of words, of how they use them, in what they say. This can be intentional or, often times, accidental, and we end up regretting what was said. A "friend" would apologize and try to make amends. Otherwise, it's not a "friend" you've lost,just someone you knew, once.
Your poem is very personal and as such is more difficult to critique, but it is original, heartfelt, graphic, and true to its intent. Some fav. lines:
"I burst into stardust"
Highly creative, it defines the explosive power of her words.
"to feed the crows"
It chills the soul of the reader with its coldness.
This poem is a terrific depiction of a fading friendship, and how a few words can separate souls and lives. In the wrong hands, words can be like guns, deadly. A well written and colorfully worded poem. I liked it.
I think this piece is excellent, not only because of the way your lack of structure and rhyme and the terse, hard lines emphasize the overall theme of a disintegrating friendship, but you accomplished this without losing that powerful imagery in your words. The diction is vivid and beautiful, even when describing something as treacherous as losing a friend all in an instant. Good work, keep it up.
You left me ...so you didn't have to make an effort to love me.
I think the last lines ring truest of all, and it is a situation that I think almost everyone can relate to, at least somewhat - being on either side of that equation. You've used good language & good words to bring this to mind, to make us think of how we were treated, how we have treated people. And I agree with Phil that 'burst into stardust' is an amazing line, it brings about very powerful images and really relates the 'strength' here.
Submission Name: Instantaneous Obliteration
