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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Instantaneous Obliterationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 867
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 767



    Description:
       This was brought on by an argument I had with a friend. She said some hurtful things. Because she felt like she annoyed me...and now she is gone. But I grow on.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInstantaneous Obliterationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A word, a single phrase
    I become dumb
    Struck down
    The fight taken out of me
    Quell me, silence me
    In a single second
    With one word
    I burst into star dust
    Laying on your kitchen floor
    You there, Across the room
    Will never know
    The ease with which
    You destroyed me
    Breaking me
    Into a thousand
    Glittering facets
    Of gorgeous lying
    Critically melted, bombarded
    Zombie-like pieces
    Of my former self
    All because
    I didn't want to bicker
    You left me in a heap
    On your tile
    To bleed
    To feed the crows
    You left me
    So you didn't
    Have to make an effort
    To love me




    Submitted on 2006-07-11 22:47:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Really picks up at line 12. This is good free thought. I know this feeling. It's like hopelessness, love, and hate, all in one. Quite the major ball in your chest.
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Jbills | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, the 5th line:
    "Quel me, silence me"
    Sorry to be annoying, but the word is "quell"
    Also, consider putting a period at the end of the line:
    "I didn't want to bicker"
    A period would force a pause, and a seperation of thought that I think would really help.
    And after the line:
    "To feed the crows"
    Consider a period or comma to force a pause. But that is just an opinion on the last one.

    Besides me being overly picky, this poem is awesome. It's going on my favorites list, and you on my stalk list, but please change quell, and consider the punctuation changes. But seriously, this is a great emotional telling of an event that I too have went through, and remember it being very close to this. Sweet poem, 5/5, and I'll be reading the rest of your poems right now, I'm hooked.

    ~~Mykquillion
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by Mykquillion | [ Reply to This ]
      Words are powerful tools. They can devastate, hurt, and cripple. People sometimes lose control of words, of how they use them, in what they say. This can be intentional or, often times, accidental, and we end up regretting what was said. A "friend" would apologize and try to make amends. Otherwise, it's not a "friend" you've lost,just someone you knew, once.

    Your poem is very personal and as such is more difficult to critique, but it is original, heartfelt, graphic, and true to its intent. Some fav. lines:

    "I burst into stardust"

    Highly creative, it defines the explosive power of her words.

    "to feed the crows"

    It chills the soul of the reader with its coldness.

    This poem is a terrific depiction of a fading friendship, and how a few words can separate souls and lives. In the wrong hands, words can be like guns, deadly. A well written and colorfully worded poem. I liked it.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this piece is excellent, not only because of the way your lack of structure and rhyme and the terse, hard lines emphasize the overall theme of a disintegrating friendship, but you accomplished this without losing that powerful imagery in your words. The diction is vivid and beautiful, even when describing something as treacherous as losing a friend all in an instant. Good work, keep it up.

    -Lance
    | Posted on 2006-08-19 00:00:00 | by giventofly | [ Reply to This ]
      You left me ...so you didn't have to make an effort to love me.

    I think the last lines ring truest of all, and it is a situation that I think almost everyone can relate to, at least somewhat - being on either side of that equation. You've used good language & good words to bring this to mind, to make us think of how we were treated, how we have treated people. And I agree with Phil that 'burst into stardust' is an amazing line, it brings about very powerful images and really relates the 'strength' here.
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]


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