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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Creavises of Rockdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Gannondalf
    ASL Info:    38 M Oregon
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 145/24/13
    Words: 413
    Class/Type: Story/Angry
    Total Views: 194
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2794



    Description:
       Written 5-24-97 not real sure what inspired me to write this piece. I believe I was angry, then transended into this story of sorts. I know I need more work on it but let me know what you think also tips or ideas would be appreciated
    Not to sure about the last line keep it or leave it at Creavises of Rock??


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCreavises of Rockdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Deep down in the creavises of rock,
    are the things buried and forgot.
    Abondoment has settled,
    underneith the metal, of hardened hatred.
    Compling up is moltin rock,
    held down low as if being supressed.
    Supressed by a solid darkness,
    which pierces any light.
    Surrounded within this hole,
    is the crying,screaming,violence
    and anger which fules the rock red.
    A fueling of rock has suppressed to a glow.
    There are old things dead, and stories untold.
    Continuing inside this mountainous hole,
    I see a hill, made of many rodent type moles.
    Some have been preserved,
    turned into stone.
    While yet others are skin and bone,
    a few rotting away with decay.
    Even more so,
    there is still more to see.
    I look at their red eyes,
    they look back at me.
    Held in a trance,
    by their dead evil glance.
    I tremble with fear,
    because this is all to near.
    For the thoughts are unclear.
    To many thoughts, to many sounds,
    bouncing all around,
    to find the hole they are bound
    Yet all points inwardly down.
    To many precieved to many to read,
    keep filling this hull as if shovel fed.
    The injustice this mountain has suffered,
    held down for many a year.
    Piles upon piles of unresolved cryless tears.
    Made up of a hill of rodent type skull's,
    some dead,
    others skin and bone,
    still some that glow red.
    This hill now a mountain,
    now gives way to a growl,
    If giving more to hold down,
    the underbelly of this mountain,
    will do more then just howl.
    The devistation of hurling heated red rocks.
    All starts from childhood with their building blocks.
    Lying in dorment hiding in their disquise.
    Then later to arise,
    when lease to be expected.
    Suddenly from within, an eruption
    so violently held within this old den.
    Burst out of its dirt and rock outter skin.
    Burning all those around.
    Burning them down into the ground.
    Freeing up, all that which was surpressed.
    Not carring where all the supression lands.
    Slowley but surley,
    Blocks are passed down to little hands.
    To young to understand,
    Left there to play with hot rocks, later turned cold
    Did not know what to hold on to,
    or to let go.
    Just absorbing like a sponge,
    it's not their fault there young.
    It all starts with their building blocks.
    It's the beginning of Creavises of Rock.
    Some gifts are free some have hidden prices like hidden disease.

    Sincerly Gannondalf




    Submitted on 2006-07-12 04:18:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I may be wrong here but I believe you are referring to your childhood being that you were only 11 years old when you wrote this
    It actually does speak a lot of truth
    A Child is not treated like the rest of the adults
    I believe you wrote this trying to tell the adults around you that though you are young you have a strong conscience and you also want to be let into the outer world created by adults
    I think you worded this very well
    I am literally shocked you were only 11 when you wrote this
    You used so many adultlike words and definately carried the emotion of an adult
    I have a funny feeling you were an extremely smart child
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I came and looked at this earlier....before it apparantly disappeared but I didn't comment right then. i think I had to think about it and let it all sink in. I still am unsure at to what this is about but to me it represents anger and pain growing into a thirst for revenge. This is very blunt and stron imagery in this piece that's is what seperates it from the lesser. I think it just is missing some closure.

    Swanne
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      I came back to see what you did to it, but its gone ! >< Mysterious disappearing poem ....taunting us.....
    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]
      Gannondolf,

    I looked up Mull... andI don't know exactly what you're talking about here. I'm lost. I'm not sure if you mispelled Mole(the animal) or it's something else... none of the deffinitions of Mull seem to make sense here. I think your weakness is spelling and it distracts from your meaning. Making it hard to get what the poem is about all the time. I think that is the main thing you need to work on... spelling.

    David
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really get it >< The descriptions of the molten rock are good, good imagery there, but honestly the *numerous* mispellings throughout the piece really take away from / distract me from seeing what this is about. That and the rhyme seems to be random and sporadic - which is fine, no one says there has to be a pattern or a structure, but it creates a very 'jumbled' effect that detracts more than enhances the descriptive language used.

    Watch use of to/too also. If this was cleaned up I think it would be very nice. You have a lot of powerful images here, try to make them clearer.

    -Z
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm?? This is strange. I looked for the poem, but all I see is a blank space? But then I notice that two others have commented and it would seem there was a poem here at one time? Well, hahaha! Ok...whatever happened, I'm sure you'll fix it and when you do I will come back to read it!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]



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