Mind Boggle by lmz

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Submission Name: Mind Boggle dots

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Author:	lmz
ASL Info:	37/female/USA
Elite Ratio:	8 - 3415/1520/84
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	299
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	842

Description:

Mind Boggle dots

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Fog quickly descends, damp,
uncomfortable like wet shoes.
Soft, seemingly harmless, smell
the scent of mildew, subtle yet ever-present
lingering,
clouding into the darkness of my thoughts
bringing excessive gray distortion.
Peering through dense moist haze,
my eyes strain, my thoughts race,
making it hard to breathe.
Search for an escape,
a happy memory, a bright spot,
yet light only enhances the density,
thicker, impossible, obscuring
even what is right before me.
Trapped, the mind blocks my passage,
and here I shall remain, until the clouds lift.
Waiting, suffering, I am powerless.
Perhaps a spark from inside can burn off
this nightmare, or perhaps I am here
for a very long time.

Submitted on 2006-07-12 10:07:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
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||| Comments |||
  i like how in the dream (im assuming it was a dream) the person feels claustrophobia from the fog, and how it just starts of light, and then gets dense. it reminds me of a couple experiences that ive had where things go from bad, to worse... and they too, were stuck there for a while.
Thanks,
guermo
| Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna, your poem perfectly describes the fits of depression that ocasionally plague us all! You've done an amazing job of writing about an impossibly difficult subject! Well done!
| Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this one's good, even by Lorna standards. At first, it almost seemed like a drug induced hazed, but by the end it's clear that it's a depressed mood.

In that, you've captured the reality of depression. People get depressed and they can't find their way out. The last few lines really grabbed me.

Perhaps a spark from inside can burn off
this nightmare, or perhaps I am here
for a very long time.

Perhaps ... you can't predict what will happen and neither can we.

Great work.

Steve
| Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  This was very insightful and feeling but I hope it's not stemming from personal experience

I know what depression is like and fog is a good description - the wording as the feeling it provoked was heaviness and distortion - not finding the way.

I send you a spark of sunshine to break through the fog ~*~*~*~*~*~

love,peace,joy&smiles to share
tif
| Posted on 2006-07-18 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Awwww, Lorna that's so sad. The sense of helplessness and hopelessness is crushing.

Your imagery perfectly conveys the mood from how different and eerie familiar sights, sounds and smells seem. The sense of being in a place you can't escape from , or like those old fashion diving suits trying to walk in deep water.

I hope this isn't you sweetie!

Very moving! well done.

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Steve
| Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  I realized that I hadn't read anything by you in a long time, so here I am. This is a good description of something affects us all. I tend to get a mixture of brain for and brain diarrhea simultaneously; I blame it for my insomnia.

Soft, seemingly harmless, smell
the scent of mildew, subtle yet ever-present
lingering,

Do you need both ever-present and ligering? You might also try to avoid saying smell and scent in such close proximity. I've always been told to avoid non-essential adverbs because they don't add a lot of meaning, but I don't think it has the same weight without seemingly. I also think you could omit "into" in "clouding into the darkness of my thoughts/ bringing excessive gray distortion." I'd add a comma between dense and moist in "Peering through dense moist haze."

Perhaps a spark from inside can burn off
this nightmare, or perhaps I am here
for a very long time.

You can certainly omit very (one of those nonessential adverbs), but I think you might use another term that means "a very long time." I know it is hyperbole, but you could say "for eternity."

Nicely done,
Amy
i2.photobucket.com/albums/y2/cuddledumplin/thmyspace-graphics-animations09.gif
| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Kind of like being on a camping trip and all it dose is rain. You can't dry off and you can't get worm.
Very well writen!!!
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2006-07-18 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  Well this is great poem describing the feeling of depression... How it is like a fog and as unconfortable as a wet shoe... something that even though we might seem close to getting over it drags us back in deeper and deeper into its web... sometimes we just sit there and hope it will go away that something comes to us and obliterates this sadness we carry with us but sometimes we just have to sit there and wait until it goes away on its own because if we try too much we just get hit harder with the feeling of hopelessness if it doesn't work... great stuff.

Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
| Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved your descriptions, and the best part is that you had a very meaningful story behind this whole thing. This reminded me of something by Robert Frost. You described well the power of nature and it's affect on human beings. I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for posting.

Abbas
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I was gone for bit and you went and wrote another poem...LOL

This makes me think of those mind funks I get into from time to time. Fog is a good way of describing it too.
I don't find this depressing because at times I find that I would prefer to be in that state of mind.

As I read this I also got the feeling of panic, as if the writer was describing a panic attack, but as I read on I was struck by a feeling of just feeling closed in and alone.

Lorna, Your visuals here are breathtaking in the fact that you have described how it feels to be locked within the mind without having an exit. Searching for some bright thought that would shed some light on a door to the outside.

Waiting for the fog to lift as you float within your mind.

I think you have penned what everyone of us have gone through at times in our life and I have to say I have had my share of those feelings.
Like I said earlier I sometimes feel comfort in that because alone is where I would prefer to be at times. Not all people feel as I do and I can understand that.

I like this alot

Nicely done

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this a lot. Reminds me of Frost’s poem about fog (can’t remember the title). Nice job here, just some suggestions for tightening it. Feel free to use em or lose em. Good work here!

Fog quickly descends, damp[,] – ADD COMMA
uncomfortable like wet shoes.
Soft, seemingly harmless, smell
scent of mildew, subtle yet ever-present – DELETE ‘THE’
lingering, clouding - I’D PUT ‘CLOUDING’ ON THIS LINE
into darkness of thoughts – DELETE ‘OF’, ‘MY’
grayING distortionS. – MAYBE JUST ‘GRAYING DISTORTIONS’?
Peering through dense haze, - DELETE ‘MOIST’
eyes strain, thoughts race, - DELETE BITH ‘MY’s
making it hard to breathe.
Search for escape, - DELETE ‘AN’
happy memory, bright spot, - DELETE ‘A’s
yet light only enhances GRAYNESS, - CHANGE
thicker, impossible, obscuring
even what is right before me.
Trapped mind blocks passage, - DELETE ‘THE’, ‘MY’
and here I shall remain, until clouds lift. – DELETE ‘THE’
Waiting, suffering, powerless. – DELETE ‘I AM’
Perhaps a spark from inside can burn off
this nightmare, or perhaps I am here
for a very long time.
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Lorna,

I liked this piece a lot. To me, this give me the thought of being in a car all surrounded by fog and unable to see the road clearly which forces me to pull over and just stay in one spot until the fog disappears. Yet somehow, i also got the impression that i was in a hurry to arrive at a certain destination and because this ( stupid) fog has prevented me from moving on, it makes me feel frustrated and depressed and confused...Feeling after feeling just waiting for this fog to end which seems to take like forever.

I don't even know if i got it right. But those were the feelings i had and i never even been in the driver's seat or been through a fog. (wondering why this feels so real). Still, you brought some effect to life and made the readers believe what you were saying. ( i kina feel crappy now...Maybe because i got driver's theory exam). urh....i'm thinking too much...

Anyhow, i'm just talking away here...Great piece...Loved the effect.
Hope to talk to you soon...
Take care...
~Irina
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the way that you wrote this one. You do a fantastic job in using nature in all sorts of ways with your writing. This really took me to that dreary place, leaving me confused and depressed. I guess it's not something that I'm really used to from you and believe me, that's not a bad thing. Even though it wasn't all lovey and happy, this was very good and there really isn't too much more that I can really say about it that hasn't already been said.

Candi
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! I truely liked the comparison of damp and foggy weather to mental inability to think clearly. great analogies and imagery. I think this poem was a little more serious and relateable for your reders of all your writes. Your flow was good, and the picture above was a perfect fit. Great work girlfriend!

Trina
| Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Such analysis !!!!!

Suffice to say this is first class - as always from you.

Frank.
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this is depressing., but wasn't that your intent? The reader can feel "the fog" surround him, feel it "descend" over him, "clouding" his "mind", hoping for the "light" that you seek to appear. But no, you leave us here "for a very long time." Now, I'm depressed. You buried me in "this fog", left me here with "wet shoes" and no "light", "powerless" to move or to think straight, seemingly hopeless. Could life get any worse?

Of couse not, the sun always rises, Nature fills the world with beauty, love is eternal, and football is right around the corner. So, put on your sunglasses, go for a walk, call someone you love, and get ready for some football, Man (woman), I can't stand being down.

As for the poem, I think you accomplished your goal, made me miserable too. Now I think you owe us an uplift or maybe even two. Seriously though, the poem is superb in setting the mood that you were going for. I think the "wet shoes" and "mildew" did it for me, and that was at the beginning, and it kept on getting worse, deeper and deeper into the 'fog." I was expecting some form of relief at the end, but it was not to be, I was stuck in that pit of depression, but I refuse to stay there. I'm going to make a break for it, head for the desert, Las Vegas sounds nice. Yeah, that's it, Vegas, the adult toyland, where I can have fun and place a bet on my PATS to win it all. ( My therapist said she thought I had a gambling problem. I said, "I'd put money on it.") Well, as you can see your poem has effected my mind, fogged it in, so I now rant like a madman or am I really the sane one? Hmmm, could it be the world is crazy?

Great stuff, love reading what you write.

Phil
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna
It is always good to see new wonderful writes from you and this one is no exception
With your words you easily capture your readers hearts and put them directly into the situation you are describbing
I actually felt a little depressed reading this because I know far too well of the feeling you are describing
Very well written Lorna
Please keep in touch
God Bless
Your Number #1 fan
Ron
| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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