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Stars eyes surprise


Author: Superman
ASL Info:    21 Lady
Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695 /377 /71
Words: 194
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1218
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1170



Description:


I'm not crazy about the last stanza.
Not crazy at all.


Stars eyes surprise



My friend
with the stars in your eyes
will you be my surprise
if tomorrow never comes?
Will the moon bring you down
from the clouds in the sky
and can you stop the tear drops
before they touch ground?

Could you talk to the sea
send whispers to me
bring a breeze to the trees
and honey to the bees?
Can you wake the flowers
with long May showers
and promise that the rain
will never end?
Can you make my heart begin again?

Because right now the rain is just my heartbeat
as I walk all of the old streets
and fade into the concrete
I need a smile to wear
and a ribbon for my hair
so friend with the stars in your eyes
can you be my surprise
when the dawn breaks for the day?
Will you sing sweet songs to me
laugh as we dance and our hips sway?

Can we laugh, can we scream
Oh Ben,
Will you stay a man or leave again
I'm sorry to say you are just my friend
will the night ever end?
I know we'll never be just friends




Submitted on 2006-07-12 13:26:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This was touching, but I think it needed a consistent/no rhyme pattern and also, the flow could use some improvement. This could be a lot better if you didn't bother worrying about the rhymes and directly addressed this issue. I liked the last stanza. You probably didn't like it because of the content and personal relation.
A good job on the whole, oh, and please add some commas to this.


Abbas
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really nice, and I felt like listening to some time of sad song on a violin when I read it, like Mozart or something. I listen to Bethoven mostly when I'm down, but I've never heard any Mozart, I don't think. I agree with Abuzz, about how if it rhymed it would flow just a bit better, and the last stanza was great, but the final line of the last stanza, I felt that you could do without, but that is my opinion, and if you like it, by all means keep it. I feel sort of uncomfortable telling people to change their poetry, because I believe poetry comes from the heart, that was would be as bold, and arrogant as saying change how you feel. At least that's how it is to me. Anyhow, really great write.
Walk in Love and Light,
~Azura*
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


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