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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Stars eyes surprisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    21 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695/377/71
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1161
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1170



    Description:
       I'm not crazy about the last stanza.
    Not crazy at all.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStars eyes surprisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My friend
    with the stars in your eyes
    will you be my surprise
    if tomorrow never comes?
    Will the moon bring you down
    from the clouds in the sky
    and can you stop the tear drops
    before they touch ground?

    Could you talk to the sea
    send whispers to me
    bring a breeze to the trees
    and honey to the bees?
    Can you wake the flowers
    with long May showers
    and promise that the rain
    will never end?
    Can you make my heart begin again?

    Because right now the rain is just my heartbeat
    as I walk all of the old streets
    and fade into the concrete
    I need a smile to wear
    and a ribbon for my hair
    so friend with the stars in your eyes
    can you be my surprise
    when the dawn breaks for the day?
    Will you sing sweet songs to me
    laugh as we dance and our hips sway?

    Can we laugh, can we scream
    Oh Ben,
    Will you stay a man or leave again
    I'm sorry to say you are just my friend
    will the night ever end?
    I know we'll never be just friends




    Submitted on 2006-07-12 13:26:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was touching, but I think it needed a consistent/no rhyme pattern and also, the flow could use some improvement. This could be a lot better if you didn't bother worrying about the rhymes and directly addressed this issue. I liked the last stanza. You probably didn't like it because of the content and personal relation.
    A good job on the whole, oh, and please add some commas to this.


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really nice, and I felt like listening to some time of sad song on a violin when I read it, like Mozart or something. I listen to Bethoven mostly when I'm down, but I've never heard any Mozart, I don't think. I agree with Abuzz, about how if it rhymed it would flow just a bit better, and the last stanza was great, but the final line of the last stanza, I felt that you could do without, but that is my opinion, and if you like it, by all means keep it. I feel sort of uncomfortable telling people to change their poetry, because I believe poetry comes from the heart, that was would be as bold, and arrogant as saying change how you feel. At least that's how it is to me. Anyhow, really great write.
    Walk in Love and Light,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


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