Stars eyes surprise
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Description:
I'm not crazy about the last stanza.
Not crazy at all.
Not crazy at all.
Stars eyes surprise
My friend with the stars in your eyes will you be my surprise if tomorrow never comes? Will the moon bring you down from the clouds in the sky and can you stop the tear drops before they touch ground? Could you talk to the sea send whispers to me bring a breeze to the trees and honey to the bees? Can you wake the flowers with long May showers and promise that the rain will never end? Can you make my heart begin again? Because right now the rain is just my heartbeat as I walk all of the old streets and fade into the concrete I need a smile to wear and a ribbon for my hair so friend with the stars in your eyes can you be my surprise when the dawn breaks for the day? Will you sing sweet songs to me laugh as we dance and our hips sway? Can we laugh, can we scream Oh Ben, Will you stay a man or leave again I'm sorry to say you are just my friend will the night ever end? I know we'll never be just friends |
Submitted on 2006-07-12 13:26:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| This was touching, but I think it needed a consistent/no rhyme pattern and also, the flow could use some improvement. This could be a lot better if you didn't bother worrying about the rhymes and directly addressed this issue. I liked the last stanza. You probably didn't like it because of the content and personal relation. A good job on the whole, oh, and please add some commas to this. Abbas | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ] | This was really nice, and I felt like listening to some time of sad song on a violin when I read it, like Mozart or something. I listen to Bethoven mostly when I'm down, but I've never heard any Mozart, I don't think. I agree with Abuzz, about how if it rhymed it would flow just a bit better, and the last stanza was great, but the final line of the last stanza, I felt that you could do without, but that is my opinion, and if you like it, by all means keep it. I feel sort of uncomfortable telling people to change their poetry, because I believe poetry comes from the heart, that was would be as bold, and arrogant as saying change how you feel. At least that's how it is to me. Anyhow, really great write. | Walk in Love and Light, ~Azura* | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ] | |
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