time elapsed love by Someones Epiphany

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Submission Name: time elapsed love dots

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Author:	Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:	8 - 4329/2017/144
Words:	97

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	231
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	861

Description:
so jayde and justin are at the game again
this time the word was "impale" and it was impossible lol

i think in lyrics and the song floating through my head today is baker street

"this city desert makes you feel so cold
its got so many people but its got not soul
and its taken you so long to find that you were wrong
when you thought it had everything"

theres a lot going on in this poem but i just gotta say... the bandaid bit... my dad used to put a bandaid on my head when i had a hurt and it would go away... i had a lot of bandaids on my heart when my mum left...

time elapsed love dots

-------------------------------------------

this is, in fact, a nightmare tinged with love

words blur together
like a distracted time-elapse photo
of New York City at night

iknewidwakeuptoyounotlovingmeoneday...

now impaled
on the moment of realisation:
she cant quite remember
how to find mothers hand this time

abandaidovermyheartwonteasethepainthistime...

restless and rootless
shes entered a whole new world
but they neglected to inform her so

this is ,in fact, a naive longing for happiness
but let me tell you what its not:

this is not love.

Submitted on 2006-07-12 14:16:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  The only thing i would change about this is the bold faced this is not love. at the end. I wonder what you might think of simply ending it with

this is not love

...and nix the period and the bold face. I think it would make perhaps more of a quietly profound impact to end on, but its up to you.

The first and last lines bookend the idea of this write very well. That moment (as others have mentioned) of realization, where there is no going back to that time where things were much simpler. That ignorant bliss of naivety.

"a naive longing for happiness"

well put,
kc
| Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the style of this poem. Its very unique to other things that I've read. And the context of it is amazing. I wasn't expecting the ending at all. I absolutely loved this poem, and I think its done excellantly. I know I should critique more probably, but I just can't find anything wrong with it. Good job :)
| Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by Adaria | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok. I have what might be a bad habit of opening up with critisism, but its cause I want to talk about all the good things so I just want to get it out of the way.

I dont like the first line. I dont know. I dont like being told how to interpret something. I almost want to say. Is it really? I'm not sure I agree. Or maybe it is but I certainly want to find out for myself. Anyways take or leave it. I think it could be omitted.

Now, to the good stuff. The rest it great.

Another bad habbit. I never do anything it the proper order. Case in point. I love the last line. It caps the whole thing off so nicely. Very fitting though I am not precicely sure why.

I love the blured together words they convey confusion and panic very aptly. I like the description of new york as well, very nice.

I would like it better if you didnt tell me the words are blurred before blurring them. You know? Maybe if you said the words spilled out of her, "like a ..." because "the words blurr together" is such a perfect description it almost seams redundent.

Having said that of course, those two blurry lines are so perfect. They read so well that way. It really accomplishes something that cant be accomplished if it were written normally.
and the words are great too. I knew I would wake up one day to you not loving me. It has a very nice sound and a very real, very sad message.

crap. I have to go. i will finish this later.
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
  apples and oranges my foot--you win again.

I love the opening line. "this is, in fact," like someone was thinking it was something else, and not only are you you telling them it's not, but that it's a nightmare, with only the smallest amount of love

words blur together
like a distracted time-elapse photo
of New York City at night

i love that image. the picture of NYC, when all the lights from the buildings just kind of blur into this lighted skyline silhouette. That's such a great image! especially, since it's the description and explanation for the next line.

iknewidwakeuptoyounotlovingmeoneday...

I knew I'd wake up to you not loving me one day. That is just about the sadest thing for a child to think ever. Ever. For anyone to think ever. Ugh, it's so sad. You knew that everything would end one day... you'd open your eyes and find everything to have changed... this line hurts Jaydee, it really does.

now impaled
on the moment of realisation:
she cant quite remember
how to find mothers hand this time

Oh! There's our "impale" requirement. So... I'm trying to understand this. Moment of realization... I'm going that is the "morning you woke up" to discover your previous italics to come true. And the next two lines, "She can't quite remember..." She can't remember how? Or doesn't know how? Again... this stanza really hurts.

They decisions of others effecting other people in horrible ways... I find that to be so unfair. (welcome to my summer :P but shhh). Yeah... it's never fair for the kids. How can they be expected to understand? To have to deal with this?

I think you finished it out rather well. Yeah. Your's beats the pants off mine Jaydee. good write. Sad again, but as always, good. *sigh* sometimes it really would be nice if band-aids were a fix all.
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good, I read Justin's and it's phenomenal as well..this had a little less I don't know like I guess you could say emphasis or drama, I mean it was very good, but it ddidn't jump out at me the same..But still very very good...keep it up...

-Anya
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]
  well, anyways. Ill just say once again I love the last line. It reminds myself of myself- unfortunatly. I wonder how many times I have mixed up a nieve desire for happiness with what I hope would be love only to find out my hopes were retarded. ahh. anyways. Great ending. loved it. I hate it when you read something only to find its a mirror and your looking at a rather ugly version of yourself staring back. Ok I just changed my mind. I hate it. Do you remember this. Your writting sucks. It made me think about a part of myself Id rather forgett or pretend wasnt there. How I love pretending. and how I hate you. JD. yup. I hate cha. sorry. out. TJ
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really sad. I love the last lines, and it made me think of that line, what you cannot find within, you cannot find without. I think it's from the Charge of the Goddess. Well actually, it is. Anyways, your poem was so sad. I have to say, and I can understand where you come from, because my dad left too. I wish I had a bandaid to put on my heart, and some disinfectant on my mind. This poem was so powerful, and it packed a punch, and I just when you combined all of the italicized words together, and it all seemed jam packed it, like you trying to take it in as a whole, do you can swallow it faster, but it just goes down your esophagus slower, and then you start to choke. Ooo, off topic here. The poem was great. What the heck does impale me? And I swear I always thought I had an extended vocabulary too... Amazing write.
Walk in Love and Light,
~Azura*
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't be too constructive here either. It's close to the bone, and when someone writes something like that, it hits something in the same place in me.

words blur together
like a distracted time-elapse photo
of New York City at night

That reminds me of those pictures you see of traffic that is just a blur of the lights.

now impaled
on the moment of realisation:
she cant quite remember
how to find mothers hand this time

I think it should be mother's, but that's a runt of a nit to pick. An image like that always hits you where it hurts.

I like the run-together words; they fit well with the imagery and feel of the poem. I do find your lack or apostrophes momentarily confusing, but I know it's your call whether or not to use them.

Lots of love,
Amy

| Posted on 2006-07-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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