Description: i dont want to post this but i dont think its fair to make justin post his and me not post mine...
this is "iron poet #3"
word : gravity
this is a fun competition and its insane how different our writes are with the same single word starting point...
this leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable...
dont bash it too hard...
heart and sole -------------------------------------------
he's a corner folder
i like that about him
conscientious about keeping his place
(always making sure i know mine:
[his] gravity has this uncanny knack
of finding my heart
(like chewed gum)
in his sole)
he's beautiful
it's not his fault
he cant remember his number
(and i know mine is up)
he's a corner folder
i like that about him
conscientious about keeping his place
(always making sure i know mine:
[his] gravity has this uncanny knack
of finding my heart
(like chewed gum)
in his sole)
he's beautiful
it's not his fault
he cant remember his number
(and i know mine is up)
Before you ever get to the piece you know it's going to be good... the title is so clever! "Heart and sole..." you really are brilliant (lol) Okay, the first line then. It's so great. So weird. So uncommon (definatly not cliché in ANY manner at all). So perfect! And then everything else! It's all so perfect. This is great minimalism. You have lines with great double meaning, such as "it's not his fault." But you know what I'm going to say. You know it's coming. Parentheses. Dun dun dun.
I like them in most of the places you have them. Just one place that I think they're unnecassary. Which is their first appearence, the big ones that incapsulate that middle chunk. I think you can get by without them to better effect, both eliminating the awkwardness of parentheses inside parentheses, and I think the voice of the narrator is too... dampened in that part with them, and it feels like it shouldn't be. Just something to think about maybe. It also draws more to the possible double meaning of "in his sole," the line that the parentheses end cap.
But really I love it. The last line, the penultimate line, the third to last line, EVERY LINE. I don't remember my poem for this iron poet, but it's pretty safe to say you one. Maybe I'll come back and be more thorough later.
i like this game you play, it brings out things you'd never say, or think to say. maybe we can play sometime... eh... if i'm good enough? ha. anyways this was very striking. its very simple but in the end you just get a goofy little smile and think awwwwwww i want one! and i love how you made this guy so real, with his little things and how you love them. it was truly lovely. these feelings make you feel so cute. have a wonderful day! this was amazing. -steph
ps the last four lines are my favorite, i dont know why though. ah i love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very good write, i think i like it...brief as it was... im not so sure the parenthesis were entirely necessary, but, it does give an out-of-ordinary feel to the poem. still, the interjections only add to its brevity...as a whole, you briefly say nothing about this dear sweet lad/lass(whichever it may be) yet as much as you do say is a mouthwatering opener(except the part about the already chewed gum, that dint egzactly make my mouth water--but that was the idea, so good job!) to what im sure can be a wonderful poem, if you only take the time to finish it!!(hint*hint) keep writing N.Imajen.B p.s. i like the pun(sole/soul)--very nice...
I like the content, but I'm unsure about your use of parenthesis:
(always making sure i know mine: [his] gravity has this uncanny knack of finding my heart (like chewed gum) in his sole)
It's ok to use parenthesis in parenthesis in informal wiriting (which I think all writing on this site is), but I think this would work better without the parenthesis about "like chewed gum," but that's just my opinion. The minimalist in me just doesn't like optional punctuation.
i thought it was neat cause you kinda went a bit play on words random and i used to do that a LOT. not sure if its good or bad that ive switched to over-descriptiveness.... different people like it. but i liked this. i thought it was cool.
I'm speechless, this is very short but has so much in it, I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to post this, its very elegant and poignant. I like the use of punctuation and language here also, very appropriate for the length as well. I like the feeling I get ....'gum in his sole' is like, he's stepping on you but yet, still cherishing ...I don't know if I understand, am going to read this a few more hundred times or so ....astonishing use of language truly, though.
This is a great one. It's very witty- I love plays on common phrases. As i've noticed a lot of other people have said, the punctuation is a bit... much. understand why you've done it, and it works well to seperate thoughts and attitudes, the brackets adding a double meaning to the lines they appear in. However, I think the point comes across just as clearly without the outer ones- they denote a seperation of trains of thought more than the darker undertow of the narrator's thoughts. you could use spacing or some other method to make that come across even better- i know you could.
I like the counterpoints of his place in the book with "your place" in his world, the heart as chewed gum in a sole (those lines make the title so wonderful), and especially the narrator's "it's not his fault"- the two conflicting emotions clearly there to everyone but the person speaking... in very few lines you create well rounded characters and build tension between them- and (this is the thing i love about writing) the ending is simply coming to the conclusion that it will end!
anyways, I quite enjoyed it. does saying "quite" make me sound pretentious? I don't ever actually say it, only write it, but still...
! I need to add it to my favorite list lol Of all your writes this may be my favorite... I'm not sure, but if it isn't, it's a close second.
I love the first three lines. Personally, I hate it when people fold corners! How dare they hurt the poor book... anyway though, I really just love those first three lines.
conscientious about keeping his place.
That's so perfect with that first line!
I'm not sure if the parentheized part is saying this is a good thing or not lol chewed gum on the sole of a show? So, he's stepping on you? I like it, but maybe you could explain it to me? Or saying that he has your heart, and may not want it, and it's kind of stuck to him...?
But if he knows his place, shouldn't he be able to remember his number? And I love the last line!
Yeah, definitely a great one. I really hope you post it. You win this round... grr...
Personaly, not a corner folder. I like bookmarks. I fold out of desperation only, when I cant find a bookmark. I can get pretty creative with my bookmaks though. I use pennies a lot, sometimes leaves, dollar bills, reciepts, sometimes chicken scratch poetry I always seem to be scratching out. Yup. lots of bookmarks, but I am not here to talk about me. Although I alwyas seem to.
I have always been a fan of short poetry. Especailly ones like this where there is about 900 layers. I could sift through this all day long. I also like that there are multiple interpretations. You could take serveral part of this several ways, depending on your person.
I wonder what number it is he cant remember. It could be any one of a number of numbers. I could be his telaphone number, it could be his number in your life (as you are the writer) such as he is your number one. But you tell us and so say that this is related somehow that (I know mine is up) which is a somewhat coloquial phrase usually used when dealing with time (ie; i know my time is up) so it could be time as well. Anyway, each one has its own unique roads of interpretation.
earlier in the write (you know how I do everything out of order) you said-
conscientious about keeping his place (always making sure i know mine:
which implies, perhaps, in my interp, a level of controllingness. I cant help think of how much I hate someone telling me my place, or at least put me in my place, especially when I dont see it as my place (yes I have athority problems, thanks for asking). I dont know. I dont really have more to say abou this aspect, just making observation. That is what I thought when I read this part.
Well I am gonna go. Very good read here J. Threre is a lot to this one. Maybe Ill say more later after I digest this a bit.
I read this over and over again and found something different each time.
Double brackets were a nice touch with the core of the metaphor right there... actually, I really like that whole part: "[his] gravity has this uncanny knack of finding my heart (like chewed gum) in his sole)"
Submission Name: heart and sole
J