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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Shell by the Seadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mcgovern_xiii
    ASL Info:    35/M/NewEngland
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 70/91/26
    Words: 461
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 380
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1358



    Description:
       This was written for Michelle and left on her pillow. She was my first Love but that was many years ago.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Shell by the Seadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Last night I stayed only as long,
    to watch your eyes soft and somber,
    From the page of your book fade and wander.
    Alas you tottered off to sleep,
    So snuffed out the candle
    for your sleep you shall keep.
    Upon your face dancing shadows of a midnight rain,
    cast of curious streetlights through an unbarred pane.
    Never have I seen such beauty,
    the beauty that I see now.
    In this thought I lay a kiss upon your brow.
    Then with a whisper I said goodnight my love,
    I must go home and asleep
    Its there that I pray in our dreams we shall meet.
    In endless fields of floral,
    our bodies embrace.
    On the tops of mountains we stand face to face.
    On the shores of the seas our minds roam free.
    But it is on this beach our lips shall meet
    of passion and bliss.
    And if this time we do not find or remember,
    I ask only this.
    That when you wake you realize,
    Asleep on your brow is a kiss.


    McGovern/1992




    Submitted on 2004-05-16 13:48:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      As I've told you, any well written poem has no accidents. Well, I happen to think this is a well written poem, it is about me after all. Every woman hopes to have a poem written for her and well, you slammed it out of the park on this one Dude. I had to read it more than several times to sort of "read between the lines" I know I have an unfair advantage, but, oh well. This poem means alot more than the average person reading it can know. Thank you, Michelle
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by forever_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very good. You didn't ruin this one for me. I'd change "endless fields of floral" to "endless fields of flowers" though.
    | Posted on 2004-05-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      very sweet. i like the image of the dancing shadows of a midnight rain....your rhymes scheme was nice too, very good
    | Posted on 2004-05-16 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      High romance and articulate expression of longing with good words and many clear images.
    It's youthful and naive and that's just grand but the forced rhyming like:

    Its there that I hope in our dreams we shall meet.

    Can be adjusted maybe:

    secure in the knowing that two dreams will meet.

    Small inconsequential point but now that you're 14 years older you might do another version...
    K

    | Posted on 2004-05-16 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this very sweet and I only hope that she appreciated that poem because it was beautiful. good job
    p.s. line 9 has to "a's"
    | Posted on 2004-05-16 00:00:00 | by Broken Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree i think that it is very deep as well and i think that you have done a good job but agree that you need to keep your reader entranced.
    | Posted on 2004-05-16 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]



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