as said before me, the opening to this piece is a grabber, a violent claw handed grabber, but a grabber nonetheless.
i like it.
so true, that none notice the vicious cycle they've locked themselves into, the world is an ongoing war, and peace seems only to be when the war is waged without weapons.
the second line in italics "so i forget my name and surrender..." seems contrary to the defiance expressed in the first and third italic "thoughts" mayhaps you intended this, but it seems off to me, so i'm pointing it out. :)
i like how you point out religion in this piece, and more or less seem to direct the blame for causes of imbalance and violence and poor disposition on god.
or maybe i'm tying things through all the wrong eyelets. :-P
likewise, as someone before me made note of, the lines "everyone wants their two cents worth..." and "but no one wants change..." tingle my tingle button in the most delightful way.
following these up with the bit about defiance shows the nature of this piece well.
and all is brought to close by a dissapointed sigh.
Holy crap. The devil took all the wrong sons, and raped all the wrong daughters. That line just caught me and drug me in for more. Reading more and more. This piece was almost like a drug. I re-read it a few times. It was passionate, and this is the second piece I've commented on by you tonight and it just....it ended in that sigh. And, that has always been beautiful to me in poems. I tried to put on into mine way back when and was almost drug outside the gates of Elite and stoned. Heh.
I agree /w Joe-Quinn, the 'sigh' at the end isn't really needed. I'm not sure what the 'rules' of the arrangement you and Justin have with the 'pick a word and write on it' thing but I think that sounds fun >< But I mean, I don't know the parameters that this had to be based on, exactly, so I'm not sure what could be changed without violating those parameters.'
I like this because its a nice snapshot of reality. The beggars on the church steps, so many people live this way, the reality of war - tied up with 'so you think my defiance is self destructive' which kind of makes you read it again, knowing where its going, knowing what to expect and trying to fit the pieces together to make it all fit. Very well done piece.
I think you mean "whose," but that is minor. I think this might be better without so many ellipses, but that is your call. I agree that war is pointless. I don't think you need the hyphen at all. (I think it would be a dash anyway).
it's very powerful. the only thing i might change is to drop the last line, the "sigh". I think the line "and yet you think my defiance is self destructive..." is such a powerful ending. it's like being in an argument with somebody, that's the kind of line you want to say and then walk away.
two things strike me. the title- and i dare say what a wonderfully oxymoronic title it is. the other is how this piece is either personal or a political one. i am not certain which one comes off the strongest. war comes in a variety of shape and form. maybe its both. maybe its a personal piece disguised as a political one, or vice versa.
regardless who the devil is, or whatever faction or side is fighting, war is war. so i think i just killed whatever point i was going for in the paragraph above. but anyway...
its difficult fighting any type of war. parts of one's self will never concede and surrender- but eventually, something purer,stronger and greater than one's self will eventually turn the tide for whatever it was one was fighting for. win or lose. the sigh in the end sort of symbolizes this intangible thing.
oh, and i like the wordplay in the last stanza,. "two cents" and "change". i am a sucker for that kind of thing.
even having read your's before I wrote mine, you still win. I'm sorry, your's just totally kills mine. Like, a bear and a... trout, on land. Yeah. Not even with the whole waterfall jumping and the bear grabbing the fish out of the water. I didn't even have momentum!
Okay, the poem itself. Totally beautiful. Well worded, and I love the flow. And this sounds absolutely THICK and oozing with meaning. But I totally don't understand it. Like, I think I may get parts... but then again, I really don't. You're going to have to decode the whole thing for me.
Oh, and I really love the lines in italics, you sound so fet up and just... yeah. I love 'em. Please tell me what it meanssss!
A nice piece! I love the part about two-cents, but no one wanting change. How very true- how very same. I'm chomping at the bit for change. It's time to get away from war, from killing, from all the destructive behavior that your loving Christian country currently supports.
Sign me up on the "Change" list, I'm right here!!!
Submission Name: a crash course in grace
