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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tonightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1008
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1089



    Description:
       If you didn't catch on... when I say dear Will, I am pleading with myself, for my will power to help me get through. Sometimes you don't really know if what people say to help you is really going to help you, but for me what they say is less frightening then what I don't know about death. So it is not always my will power that wins, but my fear. Any words on this are welcome


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTonightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am so lost not even my shadow is seen
    Yet a father can still find
    Such harshness in my vanity.

    This empty shard holding my reflection
    Lusts after untouched flesh,
    Daring you to give in.

    So tonight I beg you, dear Will
    Bring my hand to the floor
    Where it shall haunt my neck nevermore.

    In hopes of losing
    The only feeling Iíve ever felt
    So unwelcome in my head.

    I know you are not strong
    And I ask you many things
    But tonight I need you to come through.

    This waist of mine will never shrink
    My eyes will never love
    If things in life are left behind.

    So tonight I beg you, dear Will
    Bring my hand to the floor
    Where it shall haunt my neck nevermore.

    I said Iíve given up hoping,
    And wishing, and thinking things deep
    Which is why I need you tonight.

    I canít say that I believe
    Their words of holding on
    But dear Will, I cannot give up tonight.




    Submitted on 2006-07-13 22:48:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi! Remember me? Oooh, it's been a while, but I was looking through some old poetry and found you as a commentor so I decided to check up, to see how goes it. :)

    AHEM...

    On to business! The first thing I thought about was Edgar Allan Poe, because of the 'nevermore' allusion. I assume you planned on that? It worked quite splendidly, I thought. I also think the beginning might be better as a prologue or introduction, because it all seems to blend in together as a whole, to suggest a more prose-like formatting; however, I'm not sure which stanzas would be the basis of this or how you would rearrange wording, but that's not my job to figure out!

    Moreover, I think the first few stanzas embody a general feeling of sadness and selfishness, portraying that the writer feels like she is useless in everyone's eyes but can't seem to do or care to change anything about it.

    A lot of people can appreciate this because atleast everyone has experienced each emotion described in this poem. I know I have. But within there is always a spark (may however little it shall be) of hope that can, if your desire is so, bring you forth from the pits of despair. :O

    Very interesting write! Gives me lots to think about, definite fav.

    Your friend!
    Mike
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      very strong. very nice. and a little inspiring.for me at least. i've not been too well in the past few days. in fact i just burst out crying in class today, for no real apparent reason... this is a nice piece. i really liked it. the imagery, personification of willpower, the message behind it, everything was powerful and easily understood. a true message, and may "will" always win. i want it to at least.

    Zuheir.
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      A very pretty poem in style and diction however, it could become much stronger if you employed some concrete imagery instead of soley depending on abstracts which don't offer nealy enough support. I liked your personification of your willpower as well as your rhyme scheme- they both reminded me of emily dickinson. Good Luck!
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by nayre | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice stuff. I liked how you gave will a "name" and gave it that quality of being a real person. Very good part in the poem.

    Willpower is a cool tool. Used every minute of everyday...like to breathe. Yeah, sometimes its just one of those things a person uses so frequently in such a sublte fashion that its easy to forget just how much strength and power it truly has. Your poem has that interwoven throughout the stanzas.

    Good job!
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      and don't you ever give up, for that matter. The more you hang on, don't matter if it's by a thread, your " will" grows stronger...and when that happens...you find out more about yourself than you thought existed.

    As for the write, it's kind of an adrenaline rush. I say that because it's like you do it or you don't, and your heart races faster and faster, and then when you reach the point that you don't, you release all the breath in your lungs and think about how close it was. am i right.

    such a bad thing to think about steph, that maybe this could be your feelings...you could be thinking of doing that to yourself. doesn't make for a good day. otherwise, the poem was good...obviously it put that image into my head...which is ultimately what were trying to convey. good strong write.

    brent
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say, this is quite another excellent write.. I can't help it but say, this poem was exhillirating(However it is spelled). I don't know what else to say.. but you created an excellent poem here.

    -Robert L.
    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Triflingblood | [ Reply to This ]


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