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Static in the Storm

Author: diamonds_2_dust
ASL Info:    15/m/Eugene Oregon
Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 105 /161 /35
Words: 80
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Love
Total Views: 1282
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 530


i drempt about her agai... damn, it's been so long... i drempt we were slow dancing on top of a lonely hill, by a tree, during a thunderstorm... it was so peaceful...

Static in the Storm

THe rain falls soft at fist
then the angels start to cry
because it's so much better than heaven
with you here by my side

this is life!!!
and you are breath
though this night brought us alive
the sun wont be our death

slowly atop a hill
just you and me
the heavens gather over
the angels eager to see

that would lay down it's life
just to make sure
that you'd be alright...

Submitted on 2006-07-14 00:17:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Aww this is so sweet!
I think that you have strong feelings for this person, but you aren't really sure of how to express it. in the first two stanzas, you seem so excited about this person, and in the last two, you seem hesitant.
Well... it was a good write.

~le beau vide
| Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by lebeauvide | [ Reply to This ]
  This has a lot of nice imagery, and I enjoyed it very much, but I think you need to proofread this well. Don't take this the wrong way: I'm not trying to offend you. I'm only being constructive. For instance in "THe rain falls soft at fist," you have two typos. I don't think you need one exclamation point after "this is life," much less three. "It's" is a contraction for "it is," so you need "its." I also don't think you need the ellipsis at the end because you expect that the action continues after the poem ends unless the subjects die or something. Just try to use a little bit more care next time because I think you should put your best work before an audience. Feel free to take my opinion or leave it.

I hope all is well,
| Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  It is really a very good poem. You mad a very good hyperbole at "then the angels start to cry". And an excellent metaphor at "though this night brought us alive". In "the sun wont be our death" you mad a prevention to avoid the miss understanding and it was great.

| Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by Duke Medhat | [ Reply to This ]

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