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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: prostituted humanitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Someones Epiphany
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454/2106/161
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1094
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1271



    Description:
       well... this is crap!
    sorry to have to say it lol

    iron poet #5
    word: dormant
    (check out justins iamyourtragedy)

    i hope this conveys what i want it to...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsprostituted humanitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    old people stuck away in homes
    like old books nobody reads anymore
    containing stories long dormant

         found in blinded ears
         and rotting minds


    the faded grandeur of dusty old men
    with their dusty old scrolls
    hold no appeal to the masses

         found with rotten ears
         and blinded minds


    but we [humanity] have always been prostituted to pimps of power, fame and wealth [even way back in a garden with a snake] only... these pimps have changed faces over the years [first an apple, then Bette Davis' eyes and now... goodness knows where it isnt] but the price remains the same [the price is always too high] even still...

    we keep our dead in cages
    so their memory cant escape
    though we never keep their memory

         in our blinded ears
         in our dormant minds




    Submitted on 2006-07-14 01:18:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    "old people stuck away in homes
    like old books nobody reads anymore
    containing stories long dormant

    found in blinded ears
    and rotting minds"

    Ever read Don Quijote? Those lines reminded me of the story. He was an old man, stuck in his house, reading books of knights that no one read anymore. His mind was rotting away, until he found himself lost in that world, believing he was a knights. It's a funny book, but quite long.

    Enough of that. As I continued to read, I think I understood what you were trying to illustrate.

    Something about we kept being fed the same thing from different sources, blinded by our own arrogance, we let our mind rot away? That's what I thought, but perhaps I'm looking too much in certain words.

    The part in the bold, about humanity, rang to true in my eyes. Though, I've always had that opinion, so maybe that's why it came to me so effortlessly.

    "we keep our dead in cages
    so their memory cant escape
    though we never keep their memory"

    I have to disagree with the last line, "though we never keep their memory". I believe we do, but it's just not the same. Some people hold onto the good, others onto the bad. What ever floats your fancy.

    Keep up the work girl
    | Posted on 2010-03-16 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very "In your face" commentary. Jesus said as much in his sermons about the perils of conforming to the world.

    Don't sell yourself short, Jaydee. That's a lie of the devil, too.

    Greg
    | Posted on 2007-08-02 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      we keep our dead in cages
    so their memory cant escape
    though we never keep their memory

    in our blinded ears
    in our dormant minds


    That is a powerful punch of an ending...it's brilliant.

    but we [humanity] have always been prostituted to pimps of power, fame and wealth [even way back in a garden with a snake] only... these pimps have changed faces over the years [first an apple, then Bette Davis' eyes and now... goodness knows where it isnt] but the price remains the same [the price is always too high] even still...</I>

    I think the narration here changes too drastically to fit with the piece. It's a bit casual. You do have some small gems inside: <I>these pimps have changed faces over the years. the price remains the same [the price is always too high] even still...</I>
    | Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by Agent V. | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know why you think this is crap, I loved it. It got me thinking deeper than I usually think. I like this because its got truth, sure its not the truth that people want to hear and it isn't really sugarcoated so maybe that might turn some people away. But then they're really missing something.

    "old people stuck away in homes
    like old books nobody reads anymore
    containing stories long dormant"

    The intro is really like though provoking. I personally don't like old people for some reasons and have this very bad view of them. But these lines made me think differently about them. The way you struck up the feeling of these people, the loneliness and the way people forget about them. and the way you put it, its not a good thing, because now that I think of it, old people maybe be old but they have a lot to tell, they lived life and can give you advice and stuff like that. I like the intro.

    "the faded grandeur of dusty old men
    with their dusty old scrolls
    hold no appeal to the masses"

    This here is also true bout old people. Although they may have wisdom and advice, no one listens to them anymore because they are "old fashioned" they don't know what its like to live now. I like how you used "dusty old" two times almost right after one another because it like emphasizes the "old" part and makes them feel even more old. I like the allusion to the garden of Eden part and the relating of it to the hunger for power. I don't get the other one though cause i don't know who bette davis is. The title is genius. I loved the title, its what caught my eye and it works the way people have succumbed to the people in power how they're like a prostitute now being abused by the pimp. I liked this poem a lot, i'm adding it to my favs.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-09-27 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Dang...if this is bad, there is really no hope left for me and my poetry, now is there. This is really amazing, and I for one agree about not understanding the reason they put the old, and so wise in funeral homes, and I honestly would not have the heart to do that. The italicised words were like...well I don't even know how to explain it, but they fit so well, and they protruded(is that a word, if the correct use?)my mind, and just pulled out all the wisdom I needed to be able to continue readong with understanding. This was just a great write, and I love how you added the apple of Eden, because everyone(i think) knows what that is, so thay can understand. I also love your reference to old books in relations to the old people, because they also carry truth, wisdom, and history in them.
    The last two stanzas were amazing, and I think this is something that I am going to to keep for the reast of my life, because it's so true, and it sort of corresponds with the "Out of Sight, out of Mind", thing.
    "we keep our dead in cages
    so their memory cant escape
    though we never keep their memory

    in our blinded ears
    in our dormant minds"

    Truly amazing piece of work.
    Walk in Love and Light,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of your best pieces. I can't really say anything about the content that hasn't been said. I agree with the theme wholeheartedly. As usual, I think you overuse ellipses, but I can forgive that.

    I hope all is well,
    Amy


    | Posted on 2006-07-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      If your's is crap, mine is.... alien crap! You know, constant defeat at the hands of one person really starts to wear on you after awhile.

    Yep. We don't listen to them. We don't care. We have our society. We think it's beautiful. We know NOTHING. NOTHING! So, the "old people," have blinded ears and rotting minds? I guess I can see that, as old people are generally set in their ways... and being old.. rotting minds... yeah. I'm not sure if those italics are meant to refer to old people, but that's what I gathered.

    And the masses... yeah. Those italics are fairly perfect I'd say.

    I love the reference to Gethsemane and Judas. Stupid greed. Although, I don't think Judas was in it for the money. He was trying to force Christ's hand--get him to make his move against the Romans, by making the Romans make the first move. Kind of like backing a cat into a corner--out come the claws. But Judas--as with most of the disciples--didn't understand his mission, his purpose. But still, I liked the refernce.

    So there memories can't escape... but then you say it almost doesn't matter, because we don't listen to their memories anyway. Damn society. We could know so much! Spare our selves so much grief! Maybe not be so shallow... (that's a stretch). Anyway, you win. I loved it. Great write, as always.
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      old people stuck away in homes
    like old books nobody reads anymore
    containing stories long dormant...

    this part is soooo sad. i remember when my grandfather got extremely ill, my grandmother put him in a home, tho every one else in the family strongly disagreed. within a matter of a few weeks he died, and a lot of people thought it was because being put in a home he lost his will...one who gets pushed under the carpet tends to give up.


    we keep our dead in cages
    so their memory cant escape
    though we never keep their memory....

    this actually reminds me of a song called Concrete Angel..not sure if you're familiar with it, but it goes

    A statue stands in a shady place. An angel girl with an upturned face. A name is written on a polished rock. A broken heart that the world forgot.

    the last line in that is what reminds me...forgotten...and to be honest, everytime i hear that song, that part always chokes me up a little. its sad to think that someone wasn't important enough to at least one person in this world to remember them.

    tho in a sense, while you bring up a memory that isn't kept, you are remembering them. not in a way that i would wish to be remembered, as in She Was A Forgotten Memory. but none the less, they are remembered.

    well i'm going to go check out justins.

    take care
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
      Hh I agree with Irina! Change "dead" to "past," or something like that. "History," I don't know.

    :D
    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jaydee

    long time since we've spoken now. Thanks for popping my my site a little while ago and sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Does this mean you're back in New Zealand now or are you still overseas ? you should pop by my site and tell me what's been going on..check out my blog and whatnot too if you're around.

    Anyways onto the poem. It's been a while since I've read your poetry and I've kind of forgotten how brilliant you are .. So i've been going through a good few of your poems now. Your play with words and contrasts is brilliant which comes out quite well with your use of bold and italics .

    It's good to hear someone express this idea in a poem that you have here. The old people these days are often stuffed away like they are some sort of burden.. and the issue is whether they are happy or not ..whether they get enough food and kind of stay away from society and not get in the way. The fact is that it is because of how we treat them and society that they becoem so degenerated .. so seemingly useless and ..just a burden .. because what they know ..their experience . their first hand with recent history ..are traits we are blind to .. which we ignore .. and which we will have to re experience like starting off with a blank sheet when there is already a whole book written on the damn subject.

    The only little bit of criticism I have to offer to this one is that I don't really think a couple of the brackted things in the bold ranty part really needs to be bracketed.. I am also not sure whether this block of bloded words looks that well where it is.. although it kind of ..now that I've said that .. serves well as a block .. thus carries some symbolism the way it is. I would still be curious to see how it would look a bit more spaced out and cut into shorter lines ( but still bold .. ) as for the brackets .. I don't really think we need to be told that you are talking about humanity .. nor do I think we need that first linking to the garden and the snake .. I think ..the mention of the apple .. in the next line carries that symbol enough and does it with more of an impact .. more succinct rather than the literal drawling out of the image. the last bracketed lines look good though I think.

    and the last two lines

    in our blinded ears
    in our dormant minds

    you've already said blinded ears .. and with the sort of switching of rotten/blinded that you do in those two italicised lines earlier I think that maybe it would look better if you said dormant on both of these .. I think it goes alogn well with the symbolism here as well.

    so

    in our dormant ears
    in our dormant minds

    hope this helps and gives something to think about ..

    thanks

    christian
    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      Crap? Crap?!? Holy crap, if this is bad then I'm seriously sc.rewed!

    I took care of a lady named Flora when I was pregnant with my first son. She was 93 years old and I spent the seven months I sat with her writting down her stories. She had Lived such an amazing life. I learned more history from her in that short period of time than I learned in a whole year in school.

    Flora had a favortie saying, "People will always look for fool's gold if they are told that it's cheap shine is more desired than the glow of the real McCoy."

    We have lived for so long with greed, envy, possessiveness, and none of it is making all of us truely happy.

    Perhaps soon, we will find a way to return to the wisdom of our elders and remember that true happiness can be made, earned, and found, but never bought.

    I've read this piece three times with critical eye, and I still can't offer much in the way of improvement. The only thing I might change is unbolding the words inside the brackets so it feels more like an internal voice... but it's total nit-picking!

    Nicely done, these excersizes seem to be working well with your muses!

    Take Care!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece. It was pretty damn good. this was thought provoking and reality based as abstract as it was.
    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by linx20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jaydee,

    Must change your description. We all agree that this is no longer crap. You have wonderful thoughts and you've wrote them so gracefully....how can you call this CRAP?!!!!

    Nah seriously, this is great. The only sentence i didn't like was:
    "we keep our dead in cages"

    I think the piece that confused me most was the "Dead" word.

    Honestly, the world is screwed up. Especially with the old people. But then, back in the past, people didn't live so long as people live now and a lot of people are now helpless. In addition to that, people have to work if they want to make it somewhere and to stay at home with the older folks to take care of them is costly.
    Yet i still disagree with putting the old in the homes. Every life has its amazements and so much can be learnt from everone of them. I just wished my grandparents were alive to tell me whatever it is they want to tell me. You never really appreciate things until they are actually gone.

    This is a touching piece...I loved this a lot.
    Hope to talk to you soon.
    ~Irina
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      This was another one that was very good. I don't know quite how to put it into words, but you write very poetically. I love your ideas and how you word them.

    The first 3 lines were amazing i thought. I can tell you are a deep thinker, a poetic thinker. And there is nothing better than that. I like to think that I am too... I'll have to read some more of your stuff sometime.
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by Dylan fan | [ Reply to This ]


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