Description: we've caught jayde in a very autobiographical moment... both my attempts to write for the word witness have been so but i could not post the other so you'll have to live with this...
iron poet # 6
word: witness
steph (playcrackthesky) has joined our merry little game so be sure to check hers out when she posts as well as justins (iamyourtragedy)
my grandmother only outlived my grandpop by 3 months...
the anaesthetic of surprise -------------------------------------------
i always admired my grandmother
(look at my mother and you'll see why...)
she knew she could never live without him and yet...
my grandmother did something my mother never could -
my grandmother stayed married
(grandma had quite the collection of son in laws...)
she wasnt from the suicidal generation...
i kept my eye on her for 3 short months
witnessed her waking to long days without her partner of 60 years
(ignored by her daughter of 50...)
ultimately she died of a broken heart
(physically and metaphorically)
Touching!.... written in an intersting, cynical way, melancholy suffuses its each word.
My mother also tells me about such a couple.. the old woman didn't shed a tear after her husband's death... she slept peacefully in the night , never to wake up.
So, i love the conclusion:
Ultimately, she died of a broken heart
(physically and metaphorically)
Damn this makes me sad cuz my grandmother on my mothers side died last year and just a week after maybe? my grandfather died on my fathers side. So I have 2 grandparents that are trying to live without their soul mates. All I remembered was the overwhelming feeling of loss cuz I was present when both of them died so I saw each grandparent suffer at the moment of death. I saw them caressing their dying loved one struggling to comfort them and themselves.Horrible.
Aw, this is so sad. It kind of stings a little since I lost my granny a few months ago. This sounds a lot like my maternal family, but my grandfather died in the 50's, so my granny was here a long time without him. I know they'd still be married though. My mom has been married three times (so has my dad). I'd taken care of granny for years, but I was in England at the end. I suppose that'll always make me feel guilty, but she told me to stay.
OK, as for the poem, I don't really like the ellipses because they make it sound tentative. I like the irony of the broken heart idea.
Yep, you win. I would have lost if you'd just put down the word witness, but you went a little up and above that. Congrats.
That first stanza, is such a burn to your mom. I don't know what else to say about that part lol Burn.
The next stanza is another jab at your mom. I love the parenthesis. This is harsh Jaydee. harsh.
The suicidal generation... pain hurts: don't take the pain. Sigh. Yeah...
I think that would be the hardest part of marriage. Is one of the two partners dies. Leaving the other one, probably old and retired, with nothing, leaving them to live out their days thinking about how lonely they are now. This part is really sad. And again, you're not painting your mother out to be the most wonderful person...
I like the next bold statement. Maybe you should add something though to say it was more the metaphorical way... I don't know. Just a random thought.
I'm not sure I understand the conclusion. What was the surpise? The death of your grandfather? And if that's it, I don't understand the anaesthetic part. Maybe you could explain?
Anyway though, yeah, your's is again, much better than mine. But I just remember you may not be the winner yet! Off to check steph's.
this is a big bold clear blare of poem that feels blunt like a message left on an answerphone - which distracts you as the emotion of lifetimes beneath the surface sneak up behind you, wacks you over the head with the phone and leaves you lying on the floor. shivering.
haha i didn't mean to personify your poem as being so manically violent...
"she wasnt from the suicidal generation..."
is one line that really grabs me. suicidal really does sum up that generation, not literally, but in the way it goes for the dramatic short term fix while destroying itself and its instituations.
this poem has a solemn, plain-spoken dignity to it, which to me speaks as powerfully as anything more poetic and linguistically lavish. it's certainly my favourite iron poet write of yours so far.
Well J. This one is hard for me to comment on. I do like the last four lines. The "physically and metaphorically" line was very clever. The rest was a bit of a rant at your mom. Not that there is anything wrong with that. God knows I could rant for days about my dad and still be unsatisfied. And I have written about him to. Although less overtly. So, I definitly feel ya on this one. Family is tough. family is tough.
Not your most poetic peice. Sometimes we just gotta get stuff off of our chests. I certainly know that feeling. Well sorry. My comment is rubish. Ill do better next time. see ya kid.
Submission Name: the anaesthetic of surprise
