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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Daneddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 788
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 791



    Description:
       don't ask me wht daned is! read the poem!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDaneddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I met you under the lead-studded skies
    Under the hip and moan of the wind
    Embracing tarmac of abandoned haste
    And memories mingling with dust ablaze.

    Leaves whispered fallacies above our heated heads,
    Above the swelling of parched tongues,
    Above the shepherds of lightheaded spring
    And riddles ushered in the April rain.

    Pearls turned to dunes in endless rhapsody
    Against the ticklish beaches, hot erring of my skin
    Against the sun and scent, intoxicating,
    Of ripened flesh and tardy holiday-making.

    Shells crushed beneath our toes to moon splinters,
    Fetching their way across the weeded sky, stretching
    Into one closing blindfold kiss.







    Submitted on 2006-07-15 06:19:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Do you write in English, or do you write in Russian and translate?? If it's the former, you've got a massive grasp on the language. I love learning other languages as much as I hate it--I feel so limited and useless, only knowing a few hundred words (enough to get by in conversation, but not enough to say what I need to say).

    I met you under the lead-studded skies
    Under the hip and moan of the wind


    That's the best second line I've read in a long time. ...hip and moan of the wind...
    Woah.



    As for nitpicking details... (you asked)

    ------------------
    I met you under the lead-studded skies
    Under the hip and moan of the wind
    Embracing tarmac of abandoned haste
    And memories mingling with dust ablaze.

    ...

    Line 3: I think maybe you need another word in there. Embracing [the] tarmac... or figure out a way to get rid of 'of,' since it seems you're setting it up to use 'tarmac' as an adjective, almost...

    ----------------
    Leaves whispered fallacies above our heated heads,
    Above the swelling of parched tongues,
    Above the shepherds of lightheaded spring[,]
    And riddles ushered in the April rain.

    ...

    Here, all I can see is that comma in line 7.

    ----------------
    Pearls turned to dunes in endless rhapsody
    Against the ticklish beaches, hot erring of my skin
    Against the sun and scent, intoxicating,
    Of ripened flesh and tardy holiday-making.

    ...

    Line 9... 'to' is slightly ambiguous. I'm not sure if you mean pearls are turning to (that is, they are facing) dunes, or if they are turning into dunes... it works either way. My mind wants it to be 'into,' is all... it's really not a nitpick. It works well the way it is. Different.

    .. sun and scent..
    Wordplay. Nice

    Line 12--now... I'm not sure about 'of.' It seems you almost want this to read:

    Pearls turned to dunes in endless rhapsody
    Of ripened flesh and tardy holiday-making.

    ... in which case, the middle two lines are out of place. Maybe add an em-dash into there? Like this:

    Pearls turned to dunes in endless rhapsody--
    Against the ticklish beaches, hot erring of my skin
    Against the sun and scent, intoxicating--
    Of ripened flesh and tardy holiday-making.


    ...and in that case, there seems to be something out-of-place about line 10... Maybe there should be 'against' or 'the' before 'hot erring...'
    Maybe.

    Play with it.
    See what you think.



    And finally...

    ---------------
    Shells crushed beneath our toes to moon splinters,
    Fetching their way across the weeded sky, stretching
    Into one closing blindfold kiss.


    Hm. Line 13... 'to' is getting me. As it is, my mind is thinking the moon splinters are a sort of music to which you're crushing shells... Unless you're crushing shells into moon splinters... Really--it's minor. But you wanted nitpicking

    ...weeded sky...
    Awesome.




    Awesome. Yeah.

    You've got some great vocabulary. I'm curious to know how long you've been studying English, or if I'm double-guessing you, and assuming it's not your native tongue (actually... I saw that you wrote on someone else's page that you were Russian, and so I came here to see what you wrote).
    Anyway...

    I'm a dork.
    Forgive me.



    Rachel
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
      well, from what I understand, a "dane" is perhaps a beautiful person from Denmark. So I assume this poem reflects a sort of fondness/adoration toward whoever this may be. And in a quite lovely way, may I add.

    It seems like a whirl-pool of emotions - entangled in this love for whomever amists such chaos - of the world turning on end... pure madness.

    funny how everything seem so "different" when falling in love.

    thank you so much for sharing your words.

    Sarah

    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. It was pretty good. I just think the ending may need a bit of work.

    "Leaves whispered fallacies above our heated heads,
    Above the swelling of parched tongues,
    Above the shepherds of lightheaded spring
    And riddles ushered in the April rain."

    I must say, I really liked that stanza. The imagery is just perfect.

    "Embracing tarmac of abandoned haste
    And memories mingling with dust ablaze."

    I didn't like those as much. Particularly the "abandoned haste" part.

    It kind of made me imagine a walk on a beach. Really nice.

    Everything did seem to flow together very nicely, but remember what I said about the ending, it doesn't seem totally complete.


    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]


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