My Mortal Satan by Mr. Creep

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Submission Name: My Mortal Satan dots

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Author:	Mr. Creep
ASL Info:	16. Female. Here
Elite Ratio:	1.97 - 96/177/112
Words:	135

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	1049
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	800

Description:
Not one of my best but I think its pretty good.

My Mortal Satan dots

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Morbid thoughts slowly destroy your will to live.
Your angelic elequance gives up it's will to forgive.
Your darkness engulfs your soul in flame,
and now your good is painfully tame.
You feed on the weak, make them egar to die.
You find a way to talk them in to suicide.

But if you look into the eyes of death,
I see you still have one last breath.
And untill your body rots away,
I will wait for you every day.

And worry about how I maybee next,
but you still remember our vampire sex.
I think in that last breath you keep.
Is part of me that continues to weep.
And I will stand by you untill your soul passes by,
Then next to you I will slowly die.

Submitted on 2006-07-15 11:43:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this is a hot poem nice nice nice but the first paragraph im in love with
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this, although it could have been better in my opinion. I'm not that great of a writer myself but this just seemed weak. Maybe it was the rhyme scheme, a bit simplistic and the words used to rhyme with eachother were cheap and taundry. I mean to say, overused. Like you chose the words simply because the rhymed.

But I did enjoy the title, and the piece overall. The idea is interesting and one that is meaningful and I could even relate to. I don't have much time to leave a long comment, but I'd say with some editing this could be a great piece. maybe it was posted too soon. The first two lines I like the msot although they also each use the word 'will'. That may have been intentional.

Anyways, take care, I gave you my honest opinion, and feel free to return the favour as I am new to this site. And my work is probably much worse. Thanks for sharing, continue to write!
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by ad libitum | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I wish you had written more!

This is something I would read over and

over. I loved your use of the vampiric,

gothic theme. True darkness.

Great work!!
| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by GreyWater | [ Reply to This ]
  this is good but it has the potential to be a lot better! you could work on the flow a little! but it was nothin close to horrible! good job!
~akaila~
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Awesome write. It's got hellish power. no complaints.
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.