Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: War Asdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 891
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 854



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWar Asdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Physics
    Unnatural Newtonian law
    A standing army will tend
    Towards destruction and
    To be not neutral
    Ending boredom with bombs

    Entertainment
    Wars are never ended
    Just moved to another theatre
    New cast and script in
    Different costumes
    Reprise the theme

    Religion
    Holy war without an amen
    Sacred sacrifice with no
    Redemption or reconciliation
    Tasteless sacrament dissolved
    In the saliva of the dead

    Peace
    Peace is a mushroom
    Shoots moving under
    The grass to pop up
    In unknown and
    Unexpected places




    Submitted on 2006-07-15 12:14:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      What we called peace we accieved through fear Leaving hiroshimia and anywhere else near in mushroom cloud. This peace is blunt and ananlytical, but your observations are accurate. Each category fits the title and all lines complement it. I wouldn't say it's a particularly interesting read, but not the less skillfully put together. I have to say my favorite section two sections were physics and entertain meant. The physics part reminded me of my best friend who said that it didn't matter if you were opposed to the wa or not once your there and people are trying to kill you your survival instict will kick in and you'll shoot back; he has a degree in physic sound I found this humorous.
    the entertainment section was conveyed as a play and our world as the stage this is sadly true especially in the latest production called the war on terror. It got raving review and even created a new intrest in religion. Negetive critisim littering the auditorium floor was swiflty cleaned up with the patriot act and it was back to the show.

    The part about religion I thought was a bit weaker then the previous to this may need reworking it's just not up to par with the previous two. The first line is clever enough an Amen being used as punctuation in prayer thus a run on sentece like this one.

    The last part is good because of the irony of your choice in symbol. Einstien Fled Germany in fear that the Hitler would use his atomic theory to creat a weapon of unimaginable destruction. He won the noble peace prize, but when mushroom clouds began ending conflict, his shame was emense I felt it was the blunder of his life. That's it for my analysis
    Thanks for your time. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you are right...very well put. War does seem to move in a cycle...we sow the seeds of the next one in the present and have been doing it since time began. I enjoyed how you broke it into sections. Good technique and a thoughtful piece.

    peace
    Greg
    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by Noah | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done! very creative.

    I got a kick outof the Newtonian concepts and I liked the religous as well. I guess those two had some resonance with my poem - you Newton - me Instincts and genetics.

    Thelast stanza was really lovely. The unexpected breakout of peace!!


    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the end of this write Chrystine
    You ended this write with showing Peace is Possible
    I for one strongly believe and I am not going to let anyone change this that The World will be at Peace within my Lifetime
    All the Pieces to World Peace are already in Place we just have to open our Hearts and let in some of the Love that is Surronding us all
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    Please keep in touch
    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      An excellently written piece that speaks truth to evil.





    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by junemarie | [ Reply to This ]
      I applaude this piece not for the subject alone, but for the insightful interpretation. Standing armies are a financial nightmare and only their use can justify their existence.
    While an individual war (a particular stretch of time?) may come to a close, "Wars" will ever be fought for any host of reasons (legitimate or not).
    Religion is a battleground all by itself, and many sects declare themselves the winner (daily). They all believe that theirs is the right one and that others are somewhat lacking.
    Your last one, "Peace", is the only one I have trouble with. I do not see peace "breaking out" any where at all. I see intermissions before the next act--rest periods between rounds. Having participated in a few of these "rounds", I harbor fewer illusions than I used to.

    Thank you for writing this piece--it was well worth the reading, John.
    | Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by coyote | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like how you took one concept and looked at it from four different perspectives. I think war was an excellent choice for that technique. I suppose Physics is the most unique best because I'd never thought of looking at war that way, but the others have more resonance. "Ending boredom with bombs" is nicely alliterative, and sadly, I think some do think that lightly of war.

    Wars are never ended
    Just moved to another theatre
    New cast and script in
    Different costumes
    Reprise the theme

    I'm not too sure about "Wars are never ended" because "Wars never end" is more direct and gets rid of the passive voice, but it's your call. I agree that war does have much in common with theatre though. I suppose watching it on television makes it even moreso because it used to only be witnessed by those on the battlefield.

    Holy war without an amen
    Sacred sacrifice with no
    Redemption or reconciliation
    Tasteless salvation drained
    In the saliva of the dead

    You made nice use of alliteration in that stanza too. I hate the idea that anyone preaches hate or war as part of a religion. I just find it chilling, but it's far from a new phenomenon.

    Peace is a mushroom
    Shoots moving under
    The grass to pop up
    In unknown and
    Unexpected places

    The only thing I can say about that is that when you mention war and mushroom together it makes me think of mushroom clouds. That's likely just me though. My brain draws pretty arbitrary associations sometimes.

    This is excellent,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Having seen the subject of each strophe given, I commend you on the affect and effect. All the more reason why my July fourth journal just said..

    They're blowing up the sky

    we love a good fight!

    Nice work, Chrystine, hope you are dancing and enjoying the peace within and around us.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    110778

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry