I gaze into this portal on broken knees,
choke on the image in front of me.
A green-eyed demon staring hatefully.
Talons long as winterís night,
tainted with the blood
of a maidenís purity.
Fangs sharper than a razorís edge
stained with the flesh
of one innocent soul.
Hair blacker than the ravenís wings,
caked with soot and grime
resulting from past evil deeds.
Eyes colder than the morning mist,
wrap a cloak of dread
around my decaying mind.
Veins that flow with blood of ice,
unfeeling and unforgiving
and yet still living.
A heart darker than Luciferís shadow,
casting fear and doubt
upon all others.
The light is fading,
the portal dissolves into a mirror
and the demon disappears
as I realize he was really me.
i like this poem, it seems like this demon is what we would all see if we looked into a magic mirror that showed us our true selves, that's who we are. no one is perfect. "eyes colder than the morning mist" and "blood of ice" actually made me shiver as it made the creatue in the poem even more malevolent and evil. your use of metaphor to desribe the talons "tainted with the blood of a maiden's purity" etc and your comparison of the darkness of its heart to "lucifers shadow" makes this poem strike hard when read. I'm sure you aren't as evil as this creature, we all have good in us and even the evil in us is just one side of the whole multi faceted crystal inside us. take care and feel better.
bash it? r u insane? sorry, dumb question. ok its not bad i really liked it. i love the ending as you realize it was you, i loved how you compared it to a raven, razor, and demonic relevances. it was great, u had me guessing me all the way to the end, and even after. all in all, it was great. oh for the type u might try 'realizing wats inside' or wat ever that one is. urs truly, heartless coel
I really like this poem. I don't see how anyone could completely bash it. I do agree that I also don't think gothic would be the right label for this piece. I think a good view of this could be as "Society". I could relate this poem to the different parts of society. For example:
"tainted with the blood of a maidenís purity."
Seems to me to be describing Rapists and the people who hurt other people, and another example is :
"Veins that flow with blood of ice, unfeeling and unforgiving and yet still living."
Seems to me to be describing those people who never seem to let go of the hurt that has been inflicted on them no matter what happened...
I really enjoyed this poem I felt I could relate to it very well... Keep up the good work.
This poem does have a very gothic sense about it. Like, morbid goth...not so much symbolic goth, but morbid, and I love that about your writings. When you said portal, I thought about a mirror, but in the sense as if you were gazing into your own eyes through the mirror, your eyes being the portal to your own soul. That's where you see through your eyes reflection seeing everything you'd rather not be. I hope that made some sense, haha. I can't bash this, even if that was the critique style you wanted, but then again, since when have I ever obeyed any style? I truly enjoyed this write. I have had a bit of a writing block for a few days, so hopefully this poem will knock it down. Peace and hoping to read more...
I'm not so sure gothic was the right label for this one but you're right, it's probably one of the closest ones to being write. I know I'm not the best person with giving advice and stuff but whatever's bothering you can talk to me about it if you want to, unless it was something I did, in which case you can still tell me, you can cuss me out take your anger out on me wtf you want cause in all honestly I probably deserve it...right this is supposed to be about your write...well, for a 'fast write' it seemed to have enough emotion and thought put into it...see that's the thing I like about faster writes, they are really spur of the moment, they express what first came to mind without much revision, it makes them a little more real. the "portal" made me think of a mirror, like you were trying to prove that maybe what you were seeing or what you think you have become isn't you but the more you stare the more the image is branded into your mind and you completely hate it, I have really been there even w/o looking at a real mirror but just thinking of how I've acted sometimes and it's like symbolic of a mirror for my mental self. and then w/i the last few lines of ur second stanza I really felt like I Knew where you were going with that...it hurts when it feels like the only part of you that is alive is your physical being. oh [censored] I wasn't paying attention the end did mention the relation between portal/mirror it feels really bad that I can't give this write the comment it deserves...maybe i"ll go back and edit tomorrow I feel like hell, I'm sorry if you feel the same way.....can we please talk??????? also if it's worth much I think you're amazing, but I don't wanna preach right now, take care , love you, `jess
This isn't bad... honestly. I rather liked it. And it doesn't really matter how long it took to spit this one out, it really shows talent. I love your decriptions although I think you used a few too many similies; 'hair darker than, talons longer than...' Maybe add another metaphor... ? Just a suggestion, variety is always good in helping repitition that may not be so helpful to the poem-- stuff like that may be distracting ? I found it a little distracting [maybe it's because I dont like similies]
Also, I like how your describing this hateful creature, and then it turns out to be you... done before, but I liked it... especially the title 'Serene Image' it's as if you're content with the way you are, being beastial. The paradox rather works.
My fav stanza has to be the last one, with the whole twist... I also like in the first stanza... the first line 'on broken knees' I really liked that... not quite sure why.
ALso, the green-eyed thing, my guess was that would be jealously, and you're seeing yourself as a demon beacuse you're jealous? Or maybe you just have green eyes... heh, sorry.
Anyway, I rather liked this poem, thanks for sharing. Take care. [Also, your display is rahter interesting, did you take that? ]