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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shortie
    ASL Info:    23 female new york
    Elite Ratio:    1.99 - 15/13/6
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 640
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1061



    Description:
       SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I look at her when I stabbed her with my knife,
    I started yelling," this should end your life".
    From the wound, my eyes watch her bleed.
    Crying to me, help I really need.
    She crys, how can you be evil like a witch?!!!
    I look at her and say "can't you die now you stupid bitch".
    Her eyes slowly turn dark and life from within drains.
    Sorrow and guilt my soul now pains.
    How stupid could I be?, How could I do this?
    I command,"come back",I now wish.
    Her body seems so lifeless,
    I cry and say,"I'm so worthless.
    Too late! Nobody can help,her life is now gone.
    I'm so careless and know I'll suffer along.
    I know what I have done and can't live with myself!
    I reach for my gun, from the top shelf,
    But instead of shooting my anger out.
    I sit down and now begin to pout.
    I start to scream as i put it to my head.
    I pull the trigger, fuck I'm dead!!!!





    Submitted on 2006-07-16 13:28:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem lacked creativity, it was simple and once again forced. There was also a few lines that seemed quite a bit mixed up, line three and four.
    Lines five and six were very forced,"how can you be evil like a witch, it's very unlikely that anyone would say such a thing so it seems as if you put that there just so it would ryhme with the next line.
    On line seven the words seem like they are out of place"Her eyes slowly turn dark and life from within drains." Once again it seems like you put drains in there just so the next line will ryhme.

    Once again please feel free to tear one of my poems apart. I did not mean to be blunt or rude just wanted to let you know what I thought needed improvement. Try and write about something that you have intense feelings about, like your son, or a past lover, friend, emotions that no one knows about. Not soo much about odds and ends like sun and dead.

    Please don't be offended, you said in the forum that you wouldn't be criticised : + (


    -AnnMarie
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by aNNmARIE | [ Reply to This ]
      love it.sad and strong.every word worked well.i wuoldn't change a thing.

    Jenn-bbcherry
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by bbcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      it's okay but you need to try and be a little more creative in your writing. it was kind of...predictable, if you will. but keep working at it.
    </3 lisa
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good write, not my style, but it was good anyways. Keep writing what is your heart.
    Welcome to eliteskills.com
    warwagon29
    Bob
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by warwagon29 | [ Reply to This ]


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