Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To a girl I wantdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DrewDilla
    ASL Info:    25/M/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    2.81 - 131/196/51
    Words: 208
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 1883
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1109



    Description:
       I just hope she will like it. Do You think she will? I realy like talking with her and I hope she can get as deep as I can into things.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo a girl I wantdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ya I have no clue on what to write..
    I just hope you can guide me with your light
    I used to always like to get into a fight
    and I still do have great might.
    if I took a blow to the head
    it could be the end of my life
    or hell they might use a knife
    and my reflexes arenít good
    Before my accident, I was a great warrior
    thatís why I made up the name furrior
    now all I can be is a worrier
    maybe I should buy a gun
    so my foes will start to run
    I donít think I should do that Hun
    maybe just a Tazer so they get a stun
    but then they will be stopped
    then their ears drums are popped
    because I had mopped them out
    now that I have to doubt
    So very loud I will shout
    LOVE IS WHAT I'M REALY ABOUT
    I just hope you do get to know me
    So I can open up and be free
    and hopefully a couple we can be
    So to my soul I give you the key
    that will unlock my heart
    that would be a good start
    youíve already hit my soul with a dart




    Submitted on 2006-07-16 18:44:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow. It was great. I love it. Whoever it's for will love it. about the warrior thing, you may not be a physical warrior, but you fight really well with your words.
    | Posted on 2008-01-06 00:00:00 | by bogg | [ Reply to This ]
      Drew
    Not bads at all my Friend
    One can easilly tell from your words you have been hurt many times in life and not jusat with Love
    My only advice with future writes is be careful of forced rhyme
    Remember poetry dosent have to rhyme to be good
    To me actually I enjoy non rhyming poetry more because I believe it echos more emotion
    I do like the way this comes together though
    I hope you find the Happiness you are Looking for
    Never give up your dreams
    Remember dreams are an extension of Reality
    It took me a very long time torealise that
    I will be looking out for more writes from you in the future
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      okies lets see hmm...

    the first thing i wish to point out is that of course this one means a lot to you and since this girl is special i would think you would use proper english. for example....

    "Ya I have no clue on what to right.
    I just hope you can guide me with your light
    I used to always like to get into a fight
    and I still do have great might.
    if I took a blow to the head
    it could be the end of my life
    or hell they might use a knife
    and my reflexes arenít good"

    "Ya" should be "you" if you use proper english it shows the reader that you took the time for this poem and im not saying you didnt just gives it a more classy or even easyer read/look
    "right" should be "write"

    ok for this peice i really think you should NOT have tried to rhyme. Rhyming can sometimes work against you and give your poem a cheesey out look. God i hate saying that but to be it is i can try and help you but i dont want to take you out of your poem so i really dont want to change anywords but this would be an example to what i mean...

    "You have no clue as what to write,
    I see by your soft glowing light.
    I always use to get in fights,
    with all my strength and all my might.
    a blow to the head could draw my
    last breathe, or even they could draw there
    nife...for my reflexes arent very good..."

    okies that is the best i could do....

    "Before my accident, I was a great warrior
    thatís why I made up the name furrior
    now all I can be is a worrier
    maybe I should buy a gun
    so my foes will start to run
    I donít think I should do that Hun
    maybe just a Tazer so they get a stun
    but then they will be stopped
    then there ears drums are popped"

    umm question...is furrior and inside thing?
    it confuses me for i dont know what it is
    you might want to change your words a bit here
    to...also this sounds a bit...umm childish.
    The gun part is to me anyway. I really do not like how you rhymed this part either. it really takes away from the soul of this peice.
    "Hun" should be "hun" "Tazer" should be "tazor" "so they get a stun..." i really dont like that part either..its a bit again childish
    okies what is up with this..
    "but then they will be stopped
    then there ears drums are popped"
    that really doesnt make sence and to me that should be taken out completly. im really sorry but that is how i feel i hope im not upseting you.

    "because I had mopped them out
    now that I have to doubt
    So very loud I will shout
    LOVE IS WHAT I'M REALY ABOUT
    I just hope you do get to know me
    So I can open up and be free
    and hopefully a couple we can be
    So to my soul I give you the key
    that will unlock my heart
    that would be a good start
    youve already hit my soul with a dart"

    oh wow...
    ok this poem is mainly centered around you and what you can do and how you can hurt those who hate you..in the begining you talk about the one you wish to have....then you go on about you..to the last part you then speak of her again but breifly and then go back to yourself.
    i realy do not like the ending for it shows a complete lack of..almost everything. the ending does NOT end your poem but just leaves you hanging there as if everything you built up had dissapered like smoke. I really dont like this one bc of how it is written you sound forced as if you wanted to write it and instead of having the emotion you used what you thought would rhympe my oppion is to edit this whole thing change a lot of things around stop the rhyming and go and use your heart. please understand i am only saying this to help you please do not be upset

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*






    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cute. any girl would fall for that...well maybe..lol...nice write...i could see it being rapped or something..but thats totally off topic..awesomeness...
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cute. any girl would fall for that...well maybe..lol...nice write...i could see it being rapped or something..but thats totally off topic..awesomeness...
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece was real. I definitely enjoyed it. There were only one spelling error that I noticed. REALY should be really. I know, I'm picky but, hey. Figured I'd let you know before someone not as nice as me reams you for it.
    I like how you just told the person how you felt. If a guy gave this to me, I'd really appreciate it and feel loved and cherished. Good job.

    BCute<3
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of your pieces that I've truly enjoyed Drew. It wasn't all crammed together & it's much easier to read when the lines are broken up. And it came from your heart. Some of your other pieces seemed forced but this one had a much smoother flow. The only suggestions I can give would be on punctuation (to make this piece have a more complete feel to it) & perhaps revise certain sentences, such as: before accident I was a good warrior
    Before my accident, I was a great warrior
    The first couple of sentences & the last couple of sentences I can see where you're writing to this girl but the the middle of this piece is just about weapons & wiping people out... I think she may enjoy the parts that are written & truly meant for her but you go from sweet to violence to sweet again.
    ~Tonya
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    110901

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry