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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Beneath the willow


Author: LadyMerlina
ASL Info:    24/ F/ Montreal
Elite Ratio:    3.07 - 60 /93 /58
Words: 73
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 750
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 509



Description:



Beneath the willow


Dirt under my fingernails,
I do not feel elegant.
I don’t follow
A trend or a trail.
I prowl,
touching the earth.
Sit down,
taking time to breathe.
Lounge in the shade.
Beneath
A willow.
You’ll only catch a glimpse of me
When the breeze blows.

But I am here, breathing tall
Dirty fingernails and all.
The girl with no elegance
Taking the time,
to make it all make sense




Submitted on 2006-07-17 13:43:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  [censored] you it's perfect.

lol

Sin-cerely

Ginny

Don't you DARE correct my [censored] again.
Take care!
| Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by LadyMerlina | [ Reply to This ]
  Well this is an okay write. I like the theme, how you handle it, and I can follow this.
There are some problems in it though. You need to be consistent throughout the piece, which you are not. First you need to decide if you start each line with a capital letter, or you follow the grammar. I suggest you follow your punctuation, below I have tried to go through the write. Also there are a few tweeks you may want to use or just leave it as it is. Here are some comments on some of the lines:

Dirt under my fingernails,
I do not feel elegant.
I don’t follow
A trend or a trail. – (I would suggest: a trend or a trail.)
I prowl,
touching the earth.
Sit down,
taking time to breathe.
Lounge in the shade.
Beneath
A willow. – (I would make this one line and changing it to go: Beneath the willow. This would make it the same as your title. It does seem sloppy that you use ‘the’ in the title and ‘a’ in the text. This makes it seem like an arbitrary choice, that it does not really matter which words you use when you write. If this is the case, write something else that have got meaning and importance.)
You’ll only catch a glimpse of me
When the breeze blows. – (When should not be with a capital ‘W’.)

But I am here, breathing tall
Dirty fingernails and all. – (Dirty with a small ‘d’)
The girl with no elegance – (Maybe ending this with a period. I would also consider revising this bit all together. I am not sure if it really makes sense that se is without elegance – or maybe it is just me.)
Taking the time,
to make it all make sense – (remember to end the text with a period, to round it of and close it.)

Hope you can use some of this.
Best,
-tZar
| Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]


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