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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hiero-eremitedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 967
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2102



    Description:
       Listening to Manson when I wrote this, so sue me!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHiero-eremitedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Twisted branches like ridged thorns
    wrap around black lungs
    over which lovers mourn
    Disturbing smiles grin at priests
    Bearing no evident scorn
    Words bleed through ink,
    burned into parchment memories
    Born and raised in hatred
    In a world of reveries

    Praise the makers and the takers
    Scrutinize the scum
    Identify the real from the fakers
    Not knowing where they're from
    Throw the pennies in the wishing well
    Redeemed back to life in Hell
    Drown all the dimes that choose to tell
    For we all have a soul to sell
    Devour the knowing fruit
    Spitting out the seeds
    Planting another tree
    It only hurts if it bleeds
    Fools reap what we sow
    Minds formed from clay and dough
    Intellectuals breath in ignorance
    For we're all a part of this dance

    It's just ring around the rosie
    Pockets without posies
    Ashes...ashes...
    We're all shot down

    Yellowed with age are the lives we took
    Hollowed corpses, knives through The Book
    Ripping out our eyes,
    in exchange for dollar bills
    Tearing out our hearts,
    we all know love kills
    Pidgeon's just a gray dove
    Diamond's just a shiny coal
    Optimistic pessimists wonder why
    While pessimistic optimists always die
    Earthworm hermits bury underground
    You can run, you can hide
    You'll always be found
    Corvine wings take the angel aflight
    No longer a wrong from right
    Coroneted sympathies fall behind
    Heretic beliefs infused with hemlock
    Political dictators cursed with mind block
    Behold the wedding ring of misogamy
    Female supporters of misogyny
    Arrogance begets ignorance
    Look how stupid we've become

    It's just ring around the rosie
    Pockets without posies
    Ashes...ashes...
    We're all shot down








    Submitted on 2006-07-17 16:57:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i don't liek how the first stanza flows, and i agree with dismentled, you need some commas and stuff...but other than that it's brilliant! wonderful vocab as dismentled also pointed out, it just adds to the stunning imagery that you always use...and it makes scornful words cut so much more deep! way to lash out at society tox! lol, haha or at least that's what i think this is for...or is it just me? idk...either way, right or wrong, great write!

    ~chaos~

    haha i always have to type "chaos" three times...i never spell it right, it's always "choas" or "chopsa" idk y tho...sorry you really didn't need to kno that, i just thought i would fill ya in
    | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      hey,

    i can see a bit of manson in this. lol you once commented on one of my poems i made while listening to disturbed and i agree with what you said. it is amazing how you can just listen to music and come up with something like it but thats your own. i'll read more in a bit but i love how much creativity was brought into this piece, i think the line
    "words bleed through ink"

    describes what a poet really is. great job on this piece, it's yet another one of your master pieces.

    brandon
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
      hehe this was brilliant, but i must ask (just to piss you off) you ever rap? lmfao ok seriously though I did love this, your wording was awesome and the last time I read a poem that so much as mentioned anything heretic,. it completely sucked, so good job cuz I Luved the use lol sooo what is the point of this comment? I guess to let you know I loved it, good stuff, I should have more to say but I'm feeling more lazy then I usually do.
    peace,

    `~jess
    | Posted on 2006-07-20 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Manson sucks and so do you! Haha, you smeel funny. No, actaully I gots to give you props, (you can't see me but i'm bowing), well done young deadly grasshopper. This is sickly ill twizted. And your vocabulary has greatly increased in a fairly short time, as well as your array of presentaion. I would however try and reowrk the formation of this(for an even sicker read) and put commas and periods, etc. the first stanza kinda seems like one big runon sentence if you don't read it right, well done(damnit! hit my head on the desk), bye now
    | Posted on 2006-07-20 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      Praise the makers and the takers
    Scrutinize the scum
    Identify the real from the fakers
    Not knowing where they're from
    Throw the pennies in the wishing well
    Redeemed back to life in Hell
    Drown all the dimes that choose to tell
    For we all have a soul to sell
    Devour the knowing fruit
    Spitting out the seeds
    Planting another tree
    It only hurts if it bleeds
    Fools reap what we sow
    Minds formed from clay and dough
    Intellectuals breath in ignorance
    For we're all a part of this dance



    most def my fave stanza i can kinda relate and it feels very unigue
    | Posted on 2006-07-18 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I'll sue you then ;) Anyway, I really liked this write, feels a lot like a song probably because of your wording its so... ummmm song-able? It reminds me of slipknot but like sounds a lot more intellectual and smart and not just complaining bout stupid crap. I love your vocab and wording. It makes the poem sound so much more smarter but not in a nerdy kind of way but more in a you're a f.ucking good writer and you know what you're talking about way. There were a lot of lines that I liked in here.

    "Twisted branches like ridged thorns
    wrap around black lungs
    over which lovers mourn"

    Right from the beginning I can tell its you cause you have a distinctive kind of writing. And you always use morbid and sometimes gruesome images to show your point, not that its a bad thing, keep on doing it.

    "Throw the pennies in the wishing well
    Redeemed back to life in Hell
    Drown all the dimes that choose to tell
    For we all have a soul to sell"

    These lines here are amazing, I loved them. First they all rhyme and they still sound good and flow good. The way I understood this is that the first two lines tell bout how we all sometimes wish for something to happened something not necassarily bad but "different" and it still ends up being bad or making your life a whole lot worse. Like the saying "be careful what you wish for" thats the impression I got, beacuse in the last line you say "we all have a soul to sell" The way I took that is that not the person selling their soul but selling another person's soul because they hate that person. I thought that was a brilliant and original way to say it. I loved this poem. I know you've heard this before, but this was good and I really like your writing *thinks* I guess thats why I'm stalking you, lol. oh and btw, what does the title mean?
    Peace,
    Neo
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]


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