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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I've been Drivingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 594



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI've been Drivingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Never would I sleep
    if only to preserve
    the memory of you beside me

    Because I've been driving the moon
    hoping the tide
    will keep you here tonight

    But the north star is lying
    and physics
    never really applied to you

    so i'll set sail
    amongst the constellations
    searching for my cassioppea

    never would I sleep
    if only to hasten
    your return to my side

    because I've been driving the Moon
    hoping to find
    my once innocent dreams




    Submitted on 2006-07-17 18:15:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm. This could be a lot better But I like the ideas.

    As far as better, I mean, change "ut" to but and north stare to north star since i'm assuming that north stare isn't poetic liscence, it doesn't tie in to anything.

    "Never would I sleep if only to preserve the memory of you beside me"

    good, good.

    "I've been driving the moon hoping the tide will keep you here tonight"

    Ok, hmm, interesting... Driving the moon- hoping the tide will keep you here... how will the tide keep her there? Where are you? Is she somehow connected to the tides, as the tides are to the moon? It's not really clearly established.

    " physics never really applied to you"

    Excellent- I love that bit. Making the metaphorical the actual, and sailing among the stars, since the tide won't keep her grounded.


    And the ending...meh. Anyway, I see a lot of potential here, love the ideas, love to see you do something more with them.
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo... i really like this
    driving the moon...
    what an image right there...
    i hope it worked... driving the moon...
    i mean its a huge effort to go to to get someone to stay a lil longer or not to leave or for the moment to linger and never end...

    when i read this i kinda have aerosmith 'dont wanna miss a thing" lulling away in the recesses of my mind... i like it...

    i love the physics part personally...
    i love it how people take on such a uniqueness in ones eyes that they somehow defy all kinds of laws and universal rules... i dunno... i guess this stanza shows love (or something very like it)

    i really like this john...
    you sound so happy...
    happy and peaceful...
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it. it really gives me a cosmic feeling, and not just the commetns abot the moon, though thats probably the main part of it. it feels so open, and free, though sad as well. the only thing that didnt seem to fit in my opinion was the bit about physics, but that might be because those things dont really make sense to me.

    by the way, cool name. lotr fan?
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]


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