** Soul Within -------------------------------------------
Lost in My Own World
Trapped Within My Thoughts
Drowning in a Pool Of Sorrow
An Abyss Filling Quickly
No Way To Escape
Submerges My Lonely Heart
With the memories of the past
Recollections of lost love
Love lost at the cost of my heart
A heart that now only decays
Memories fading with it
To be lost within the soils of my body
Sucking out life
To be left lifeless
Eh, here I am. I happened to glance at your journal exiting your page and I figured, there are so many poems I've written that I consider my best and no one has commented. Do something to change it for another person.
I don't see why more people haven't commented on this piece. I'll make this a long comment. How's that? Eh? Hehe! <3
Lost in My Own World Trapped Within My Thoughts
These lines I can most definitely relate to most. When you're lost in your own world, typically I feel trapped in my own thoughts. It was startling and a bold way to start the poem. It drew the reader in.
Drowning in a Pool Of Sorrow An Abyss Filling Quickly No Way To Escape Immeasurable Fear
These next few lines just caused me to almost suffocate with the words. Feeling the panic and the fear. The use of the words drowning, abyss, escape, immeasurable really kept the flow of the mood. If anything it escalated how the reader was supposed to feel. Good choice of words.
Submerges My Lonely Heart With the memories of the past Recollections of lost love Love lost at the cost of my heart
Here it is again, those freaking words. Submerges...agh. Talking about how your heart is literally drowing. Completely under this Pain. There is no happiness acting as a buoy. Starting to remember lost love and it causing you to sink a little bit deeper.
A heart that now only decays Memories fading with it To be lost within the soils of my body Sucking out life To be left lifeless
Here it is the death of the heat. What on Earth. You state here that memories fade with it. And, while the pictures fade...you don't suggest the pain does. Which is so, so true. Lost within the soils of your body? Good Lord. That line right there smacks the reader across the face and makes them pay attention again. Not that they could have ever stopped. Sucking out life to be left lifeless.....jeez. The talent in this piece is amazing.
Nuff, said. The end. This wasn't even a cliché way of ending it. It worked. It fit. It flowed.
There's definitely a lot of emotion in this piece.
"Recollections of lost love Lost at the cost of my heart"
Those are my favorite lines. They flow very well together, and there's really a dejected feeling of loss in them, as well as in the poem itself. To some extent, I do agree with Moonshadow - the first half of the poem, the part mainly with capital first letters, seems almost like a collection of song titles adapted into a poem, which was kinda cool, though some of it sounds out of place.
But anyway, your poem defines itself well. I can definitely tell what you're trying to say, and it's really not cliché at all. Will you be adding more?
So far I like what you're doing with this and the little that you added to it made a big difference. Meh...writer's block is a true pain, isn't it? Well, I wish oyu luck and I hope you think of some more to add and get past the block, lol, peace.
well i think your poem, line by line is AWSOME! but whne you put then together they kinda dont fit right rythum and flow wise. your language is wonderful and your litterary devices are spectacular, they are just kinda jurky when you put them together, you might just wnat to reread it and really forcus on the flow. but really it is an awsome poem! good job! i agree with Bcutei dont know why people havent commented on this, its a great poem! ~Shadow
I think you should add more to this as soon as you get the chance, lol. It's very good. I'll leave a longer comment when you add more, right now, there's just not enough material to grasp a meaning. message me when you add more, peace.