Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dawn's Risingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Syndl
    ASL Info:    28/F/NC
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 56/55/19
    Words: 363
    Class/Type: Story/Longing
    Total Views: 572
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2086



    Description:
       Just a quick excerpt from a foray into character development. I wrote this bit more than a couple of years ago and came across it recently. I still like it even if its vague.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDawn's Risingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dawn's first light was seeping through the leaf laden branches casting all within it's wake a soft golden hue. Vibrantly green vegetation relished in the promise of the oncoming warmth of daylight. Crystalline pearls of dew clung tenuously to each leaf, each blade of grass, each colorful petal. The garden was awash in prismatic colors, saturated with the growth and flourish of each plant and flower carefully nurtured within its soil.

    A small, rounded bench sat in the midst of such radiant beauty shaded by an ancient oak tree that bent its branches low to the ground. Precariously perched on its edge sat a silent patron. The beauty of the rising day was lost on the woman's eyes. Blind to the world around her, she was unable to admire the precious bounty that lay within the garden.

    A breeze, as gentle and tender as a lover's grace swept through the small enclosure. The woman's head bent towards it, her ears tuned expertly to the sounds carried within the silent wind. She listened attentively to its quiet words, a small smile erupting on her features.

    Here she found solace. Time to ponder and think upon the weights that lay against her. The absence of sound, people and the heady shouts and cries of the city itself allowed her refuge from the worries and tensions that visited her each day. Here, she could lament his passing. Relinquish herself into the despair that threatened to consume her elsewhere. It was here that she remembered him most clearly.

    His image sprung forward from the depths of her memories. The curve of his chin, the angle of his cheeks, even the soft stubble that lined his jaw when he'd been too consumed by his own tasks to shave it clean. The rough callouses of his hands and the wide breadth of his palms. The stretch of his chest and shoulders, the strength of his arms that had held her when her own world had seemed to falter.

    It was here in the solitude of her own thoughts that she remembered him the way she had truly seen him.




    Submitted on 2006-07-18 18:37:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love your usage of words here. The descriptions of the scene and the unobtuse way you pointed out the womans situation were amazing.
    There are very few I have read that actually keep an interest going throughout the background layout as you have.
    I would love to read a full piece of yours.
    BUT.. hehe. BUT!!!.
    when the paragraph"His image sprung forward from the depths of her memories. The curve of his chin, the angle of his cheeks, even the soft stubble that lined his jaw when he'd been too consumed by his own tasks to shave it clean. The rough callouses of his hands and the wide breadth of his palms. The stretch of his chest and shoulders, the strength of his arms that had held her when her own world had seemed to falter." started, I completely lost all interest.
    it seemed you set an amazing scene for the beggining of a wonderful and inciteful story only to fall down and write the cliché lines of many a romance novel.
    The beautiful words used to describe the trees and her meek (as bO saw it) position, were taken over by blatant and boring "He looked like this he was like that" simplistic and obvious descriptions.
    In my humble opinion I believe you should veer away from this subject and take the lady on a different and more realistic path maybe one leading up to her position where she sits, without the "ruggedley handsome and wonderful guy" to take away the flow.
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    111140

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Carry written by saartha
    untitled written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Records I written by Raphael
    Life is moments written by Ramneet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry