A Sinking Feeling by Swanne

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Submission Name: A Sinking Feeling dots

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Author:	Swanne
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 258/206/43
Words:	107

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	248
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	754

Description:

A Sinking Feeling dots

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Cold river
filled the hollows of my nose,
Sharp water
sprayed the back of my throat,
You released my tiny wrists
and I bounced up,
I got your glance,
your swollen eyes
I kissed your mouth,
your blue patched lips
This was the instant
I fell over you,
The moment
I fell for you,

Cold water
glistened on your white skin,
Sharp river
cradled away our indulgence,
I grabbed you by your feet
and pulled you under
You got my touch
my slippery fingers
You pulled my hair
my flowing crown
This was minute
You destroyed me,
This was the moment
You fell for me

Submitted on 2006-07-18 19:43:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Girl, this was just wonderful. I enjoyed how you tied in the title with the poem. How it all took place in water, to further define the title. I loved this very much. Very descriptive in details and it flowed rather well. This too, is a fav.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  well there's some happy romance for ya. hehe. I like this poem-- I only have one nitpick: "This was [the] minute"-- you forgot the word "the".
This has dynamic wording, is really beautiful in some parts (I really enjoy the blue-patched lips...) and reads on multiple levels.
I really enjoy the descriptions of the action-- frenzied-- it sounds like people clawing for air... also, it sounds like that necessity for human contact, just for someone to understand, it hardly even matters who...
Also, it has really good rhythm for a free-verse. Great job, swanne. Me encanta!
| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  Some sort of mutual drowning, eh? A bit of a morbid metaphor for love, but I dig it. I really like the cadence of the poem too, smooth with abrupt verse endings, so that the reader seems to lose their breath along with the speaker. Much of the imagery was cool as well- the drowned's facial features, the flowing crown of hair gave the piece a realist, yet romantic tone, sort of reminded me of Ophelia from Hamlet, or rather the John Everett Millais painting of Ophelia. Good stuff.
| Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]
  As Artie Johnson used to say on ‘Laugh-In’, “Innnnnnteresting!” (That’s before your time). Anyway, I thought this was terrific work; nice metaphor for falling in love. You do a good job with this; my only suggestion would be maybe find a way to eliminate a couple of the occurrances of ‘I’. Good stuff!

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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