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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Guernica
    ASL Info:    17/male
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 77/114/67
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Prose/Depressed
    Total Views: 1030
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 868



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am feeling low.

    I was to meet a friend down by the dock but her car ran out of oil.

    I drove around the towns looking at gas stations

    And diners that close at 2 PM but would be a lovely place to drink coffee late at night.

    I listened to sad music and tried to enjoy the sounds of ignition and wind.

    Forgot to put on my lights. Symbolic, maybe?

    Not at all. Metaphors suck.

    I ended the night with a song with words that made me want to die.

    I'll sleep a lot because I'm good at it. Maybe I will dream about being good at something else.

    If I knew guitar, I'd play some minor chords.
    If I knew sad poems, I'd recite one.

    I don't know, though.

    I really don't know.




    Submitted on 2006-07-19 20:05:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Thumbs Up from me! I think it's very fitting and relies on the imagination. It doesn't have to rhyme to be good. ^.^
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by LovelyGoddess | [ Reply to This ]
      The mood stays constant through-out the writing and doesnt deviate from the main point. I exceptionally like the 'i sleep b/c i am good at it line, maybe i will dream about being good at something else'... that line more or less sums me up.
    Guermo
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this! I had to read it a couple of times because I like the way it makes me feel. I think we have all felt this way at one time or another. The way you versed this really helps to convey the lonely, non-chalant, almost lazy sadness...I really love it!
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by chunksoflove | [ Reply to This ]
      The word choice in this piece was fantastic. The words eminated the feelings you were trying to express. It could picture everything you described as though it were a silent movie playing in my mind. This is truly a lovely piece of writing. bravo.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by xxxpunky_fishxx | [ Reply to This ]
      Two problems ...

    First, late at night is 2 AM, not PM.

    Second, if her car is out of oil, and you know it, then she must have called you right? SO how come you're driving all over the towns looking at all the gas stations? Didn't she tell you where to find her when she called you?

    I liked the part about the minor guitar chords, and actually I thought the title was good.

    Annie
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      Disclaimer: Art is a wide open sky so take what I say for what it is: an opinion, which could or could not be helpful.

    1. The poem average to above average. Seems to be a reaction to a big dissapointment (not meeting/being stood up by) the friend.
    2. I did like the consistency of the poem and the title. Throughout the piece, you manage to create the somber mood you meant when you entitled the piece. There are no gaps in the mood of the poem. From beginning to end, the character is in introspection and feeling down. Another thing I liked was "metaphors suck," because your language in the poem is blunt and direct and is not at all metaphorical.
    3. The poem actually depressed me some and made me think of Counting Crows music and even made me think of times I've been stood up.
    4. The beginning of the poem (in which he has missed te meeting with the girl) made me sad and dissapointed - the rest of the poem (thinking about coffee in a diner, minor chords on the guitar,wishing to die at the conclusion of the song) did justice to the emotion of the poem.
    5. See #4 and #2.
    6. Nothing distracts - the poem is consistent with the mood.
    7. Nothing was unclear at all.
    8. See #3.
    9. If anything could be improved, you could change the title. This seems more like a dissapointment than a state of depression - which is a very serious clinical condition in which the patient does not wish to do anything, not even go to a diner for coffee.
    10. You could had been more specific about the song that made you want to die. What part of it made you want to die?
    11. My interpretation - see #2,3,4
    12. The poem is not original, but it is quite relevant, which is as important as originality.

    Keep writing, feel free to tear into mine when I post them.

    Regards,
    T.J.
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good, the best part was how your character had a lot of depth because you gave a lot of details, stuff that usually wouldn't seem important but fits well, example, if i knew guitar i'd play some minor chords. I also liked how it ended on a note of uncertainty.
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by shmurr | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved it, it was....really good. It was expressive in a way that you think and look over your life. Everything fits together, to me, it gave that feel that it had a 'voice' of it's own. Keep on writing.
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by Foreseer | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    111278

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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