The mood stays constant through-out the writing and doesnt deviate from the main point. I exceptionally like the 'i sleep b/c i am good at it line, maybe i will dream about being good at something else'... that line more or less sums me up. Guermo
I love this! I had to read it a couple of times because I like the way it makes me feel. I think we have all felt this way at one time or another. The way you versed this really helps to convey the lonely, non-chalant, almost lazy sadness...I really love it!
The word choice in this piece was fantastic. The words eminated the feelings you were trying to express. It could picture everything you described as though it were a silent movie playing in my mind. This is truly a lovely piece of writing. bravo.
Second, if her car is out of oil, and you know it, then she must have called you right? SO how come you're driving all over the towns looking at all the gas stations? Didn't she tell you where to find her when she called you?
I liked the part about the minor guitar chords, and actually I thought the title was good.
Disclaimer: Art is a wide open sky so take what I say for what it is: an opinion, which could or could not be helpful.
1. The poem average to above average. Seems to be a reaction to a big dissapointment (not meeting/being stood up by) the friend. 2. I did like the consistency of the poem and the title. Throughout the piece, you manage to create the somber mood you meant when you entitled the piece. There are no gaps in the mood of the poem. From beginning to end, the character is in introspection and feeling down. Another thing I liked was "metaphors suck," because your language in the poem is blunt and direct and is not at all metaphorical. 3. The poem actually depressed me some and made me think of Counting Crows music and even made me think of times I've been stood up. 4. The beginning of the poem (in which he has missed te meeting with the girl) made me sad and dissapointed - the rest of the poem (thinking about coffee in a diner, minor chords on the guitar,wishing to die at the conclusion of the song) did justice to the emotion of the poem. 5. See #4 and #2. 6. Nothing distracts - the poem is consistent with the mood. 7. Nothing was unclear at all. 8. See #3. 9. If anything could be improved, you could change the title. This seems more like a dissapointment than a state of depression - which is a very serious clinical condition in which the patient does not wish to do anything, not even go to a diner for coffee. 10. You could had been more specific about the song that made you want to die. What part of it made you want to die? 11. My interpretation - see #2,3,4 12. The poem is not original, but it is quite relevant, which is as important as originality.
Keep writing, feel free to tear into mine when I post them.
This was good, the best part was how your character had a lot of depth because you gave a lot of details, stuff that usually wouldn't seem important but fits well, example, if i knew guitar i'd play some minor chords. I also liked how it ended on a note of uncertainty.
Loved it, it was....really good. It was expressive in a way that you think and look over your life. Everything fits together, to me, it gave that feel that it had a 'voice' of it's own. Keep on writing.
Submission Name: Low
