Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blue And Reddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Liv2LoveThePain
    ASL Info:    19 - F - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 1527/1515/256
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 895
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1075



    Description:
       I edited this... but I'm still not happy with it. Oh well.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlue And Reddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The rose you never gave me
    Died in my hands.
    "I hate you." I scream it.
    You don't understand.

    This room is a cell
    I've been in before.
    Dark love is a plague, and
    Death is a cure.

    Ghosts fill the corners.
    They're hiding in cracks.
    I gave you my heart, but
    You dressed it in black.

    Our strong, twisted fate
    Stands still on my chest.
    I'm so good at lying,
    But you are the best.

    These windows are guarded
    By blue and red bars.
    I stare at the traffic,
    Ignoring the cars.

    My mind is locked elsewhere
    As moonlight approaches.
    I talk to the ceiling,
    And sleep with the roaches.

    The rose you never gave me
    Resembles my lips.
    Blood runs down the walls
    To form fingertips.

    They grab at my throat.
    I'm such willing prey.
    And sure, you'll come save me...
    Just some other day.




    Submitted on 2006-07-20 20:42:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you know dear, i dont even know where to start.

    hey, you edited this? god dammit, no wonder i didn't understand everyone else's comments, im readin a different poem!

    i liked this, but i want to read the original too. damn all the negative comments that caused you to change it!!

    anyway. this is so good dear. the only non-praise i could give is that in certain places the flow gets thrown off, i'm not sure why, but some parts read better than others.

    "This room is a cell
    I've been in before.
    Dark love is a plague, and
    Death is a cure."
    this = my favorite part.

    "I stare at the traffic,
    Ignoring the cars."
    this = creative brilliance.

    my f***ing keyboard sucks.
    ...
    this = the end of my comment
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by MyFairCalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was truly amazing. . . . . . it was so amazing that it goes on my favourites. This part was so intense and it was . . .. by far .. . . . the best part in your poem:

    This room is a cell
    I've been in before.
    Dark love is a plague, and
    Death is a cure.

    Ghosts fill the corners.
    They're hiding in cracks.
    I gave you my heart, but
    You dressed it in black.


    It had me thinking of so many different things. You did a great job writing a piece as great as this one. Nicely done.

    ~ G Freak ~


    >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by GothamFreak | [ Reply to This ]
      I really do like this, the imagery was amazing (so what else is new) i think i am going to have to start cutting and pasting my comments because i always have the same thing to say lol. You never disappoint.

    Smiles,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      wow thats really good keep this up!
    <3 Brittaney-Mae
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by justkillme08 | [ Reply to This ]
      that was amazing. ur so talented. i loved the whole thing. if i had to pick a favorite part i guess it would be.....


    "
    The rose you never gave me
    Resembles my lips.
    Blood runs down the walls
    To form fingertips."

    but the whole thing was just... well there arent any words that are good enough to describe how awesome u are at what u do. anyway, i'll be seein ya soon.


    love always
    Samm
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      I usually can't read rhyming poetry because it is always so repetitive in the images that it uses, but this was fresh and hard to stomach, which is what all 'death poetry' should be. This was moving and extremely well written. Good job!

    IHS,
    zac
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sorry, but this didn't appeal to me as much as to your other commenters. I didn't HATE it, but...maybe I was just unfocused. I found two things to be distracting in the piece - first was the poem within a poem - that everybody else liked. It pulled my thoughts away from the main poem each time I hit an italicized line. Then, the other thing that bothered me was your uneven rhyme scheme - some stanzas rhymed, others didn't. I would feel better with some consistency - preferrably no rhyme for this piece. The stanzas that did rhyme felt forced while the unrhymed stanzas seemed to flow naturally.

    Sorry, but this one just didn't do it for me. That happens sometimes. mae
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the feeling of being unnoticed/forgotten that this poem gives off! it makes you really feel sorry for the speaker *guessing it's a girl?* and it has a really good flow and wonderful rhyming! good write! goin on the fav. list

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      YEAH!! First to comment!!

    Damn girl that was sad... But it was ver very good as well.. I loved how you put the whole accents with the sentences between each stanza, and i also liked what it had to say when you just read what was in the accents.. very creative, so its comin to my page for the faves...lol...
    And if this is personal, i hope that you feel better, with my best wishes..

    -joey
    | Posted on 2006-07-20 00:00:00 | by medicated | [ Reply to This ]
      Nik, I also like the italicized second poem with in the first. The only thing I would suggest with those lines is trying to regularize them a bit. The first four such scan and read wonderfully together. They form a whole... mirroring and complementing each other. The second four... not so much. They become random. And it reads as random, not as cracked or broken to me. If they felt cracked or broken, it would be different, but then they would want, I think, to be shorter than the previous lines... not longer.
    "~Dye the angel's eyes red.~"
    the 'the' here reads awkwardly. PErhaps just write the line as:
    "~Dye angel's eyes red.~"
    Just thoughts. I do like the crafted and thoughtful look of this piece, moving it beyond just your emotions on a page to a piece of art.
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    111380

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry