how easily everything is smashed
the fragile ties, built up for so long
crumbled and broken
by but a few words.
to take everything someone is;
till it's nothing but a guilty pleasure.
Everything so normal
an elaborate dance built up
only to be turned into chaos
by one tiny misstep.
Hey Nicole, I really liked this. I love the minimalism of it (as I tend to me a minimalist). I like how start, with the word "porcelian." However, I think this lacks some needed puncuation to break up thought. I stumbled in a few places.
like porcelain how easily everything is smashed the fragile ties, built up for so long crumbled and broken [all] by but a few words[.] how simple [it is] to take everything someone is[;] degrade happiness till it[']s nothing but a guilty pleasure[.] everything so normal an elaborate dance built up only to be turned into chaos by one tiny misstep[.]
I think that makes it read a lot better, since not every line is meant to run together. Also, the words I bracketed I think could be omitted, and the piece just sounds better. More commas could be added, but they aren't especially necassary as the separate lines here sort of replace them. Anyway, good write, I really enjoyed it!
hey there this is short and to the point ... cool write ... what actually drew me to click on ur poem was the title "Porcelain" cause its one of my favorite songs by Moby [dunno if u know it... hehe] but onto the poem i like the comparison that you made using porcelain and how breakable it is to everything else, especially the ties made between people .. i dunno if thats what you meant, but thats how i interpreted it ... the friendships that are built up, but with a tiny little push it can be broken to pieces, just like porcelain .. i liked the last three lines,
"an elaborate dance built up only to be turned into chaos by one tiny misstep "
yet another cool comparison
the only thing about this poem that i feel thats off is the flow ... like the idea is good and clear but your poem doesnt seem to flow .. it just jumps from one thing to the next ... the one part i feel that thats shown the strongest is here:
"all by but a few words how simple it is"
it feels that the poem is sort of "broken up" into two by those two lines .. its like from the first line up your talking about something and from the second line down, your still talking about it but the scenario has changed - which is good, its jst all too sudden and may throw your reader off for a bit ...
yea thats just my thoughts on it ... dunno if its right or not hehe ...
I like this - it's sort of serene and sad. It makes me think of those movie scenes where they play quiet, peaceful music while showing something like a battle scene. Well, anyways, on to the poem . . .
I haven't much to say by way of mechanicics - it all looks good to me. I am kind of in the middle of a 'porcelain' situation right now, so this really struck true for me. Hope you don't mind, this is going in my favorites.
this was pretty unique and kinda abstract as far as imagry and emotion but at the same time it was short, simple and pretty to the point. (I just thought there was some deeper meaning in it too) this is a really serene kinda write in a sad almost creepy sorta way, like in shows and stuff where they have scenes that build up to the scary part && it's like an abandoned playground with kinda creepy slow music in the background, i dunno that's just what this made me think of, this was an OK write, it's not my favorite of yours but it was still good. ~jess