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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Three Days in Mexicodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1147
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1211



    Description:
       Reflections on a mission trip I took last summer with my church.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThree Days in Mexicodots
    -------------------------------------------


    We loaded up our cell phones and
    cd’s and bottled waters
    And headed south to the
    heat and dirt roads and the poor
    We had three days
    To change the world
    To make a difference
    To build homes for the homeless

    What we found was
    that they already had homes
    Tiny casas collaged together,
    Beautiful patchworks
    of corrugated cardboard, scrap
    tin and cast off plywood,
    Pre-painted in Spanish grafitti
    which to my foreign eye spoke
    poetry and song and love

    Yet we sought somehow to
    improve their ingenuity and art,
    So we began to hammer and screw
    and paint our prefab boxed shack
    With poured concrete floor,
    to separate them from the earth.
    And all the while, they graciously let us
    think we were saints.

    When the hammering stopped,
    we laid back on the bare concrete.
    Looking up we saw slits of sunlight
    wedging through our mistakes
    The mama said “Muy bien”
    I said “Si”
    And I thought we weren't talking
    about the house.







    Submitted on 2006-07-21 12:21:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is terrific - a fave! my favorite couplet: 'Pre-painted in Spanish grafitti,/Which to my foreign eye spoke poetry and song and love.' wonderful!

    my only suggestion is to eliminate the last stanza. you don't need it at all.

    peace,

    joe
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Annie, I'm reading this and trying to figure out what to make of it as far as creative writing goes. It isn't prose... yet it isn't poetry either. It's deffinitely storytelling, though. And it borders on the mythic, or at least folkloric. You make good use of the image of three days which on its own has many connotations, such as three days in the tomb before the resurrection.
    I guess if this were my piece, I'd want to think about line as breathe. I would read this aloud and see where, as the teller, I would want to make pauses for emphasis or simply to breathe, and then break the lines in those places... as an aid to whoever might happen to tell this story on their own. I think that would add to the sense of story telling as an oral tradition.
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Even though your attempts weren't perfect in your eyes, they still saw your efforts as worthy. It's the spirit of giving that both of you felt thankful for and empowered by. Love really does go around, doesn't it? And those people will never forget what you did for them.

    I agree with David about maybe breaking this up a bit... although I notice you've capitalized the start of each line, which made me realize you've thought about the lineation of this piece already. But giving it shorter lines will give this a more 'poetic look and feel' as opposed to prosaic-- which this is in essence. I tend to blur both myself, making it prose-poetry... because... there's more attention to detail I suppose, more freedom in saying what you really want to. Which this does.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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