Don't You Remember
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This is another poem I wrote about my graduating class if you had met these people you would have a hard time letting them go too,I wish you could.
Don't You Remember
Don't you remember When we were young All the long Septembers And the years unsung But now here I stand Thinking of years We shared and had Holding back tears, As I flip pages Of memories gone And though I will remember for ages, Although the time seems long We stand here together With new memories to make That we will one day remember And promise never to break |
Submitted on 2006-07-21 19:24:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| This is part two of feedback from the feedback that you gave on my piece. I'm going to try to do something that I've never done in my own critiquing techniques. I've notice that you had already made another poem about school and I want to try to see if they connect and if they do, try to extract the who you are part. At first glance, I'm seeing a fine man that looks back ot the past and misses those days. I always like reading your description about the poem. It's more of sneak peek and a little more pre-information before we even get to start the poem itself. See, I knew that you were someone that didn't want to forget the past. You're more of a person that wants to learn from the past and share your story. I think it's a noble and brave thing of what the writer does. He lets us read what he feels, and then we can get a better understanding of them and life. It is very difficult to let go of people, but we're all going to have let go and die someday. We can't sustain life much on Earth and we're going to have to let our loved ones go out and pursue their unlawfully dreams. I believe that we're never really gone from this world until everyone is that knew the decease died along with their offspring. "Don't you remember When we were young All the long Septembers And the years unsung" I like how you're style is and how there's not much spacing in between, but I felt if I wrote it, the first four lines would be one stanza. That is a solid stanza. Memories of school are usually supposed to be the memories that you wished that you could relive. Back then, you thought nothing could stop you and that you were invincible. Being young is supposed to be one idea that many people hunger to have back. Life doesn't like people when the get older. You get old, grow wrinkly, work to the bone, and have children. The fun in diverting activities are drained out and squeezed dry. September (but for some, August) is like a month of rejuvination. Everything is new, but not exactly new. Sure you might have fresh, clean clothes on the bed and new books to read from, but the concept of school is a familiar one. There are new faces on the horizon and the familiar faces that you are already familiar with. September is like an iconic month for America right after October, November, and December. "Wake Me Up When September Ends" By Green Day Summer has come and passed The innocent can never last wake me up when september ends like my fathers come to pass seven years has gone so fast wake me up when september ends here comes the rain again falling from the stars drenched in my pain again becoming who we are as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost wake me up when september ends summer has come and passed the innocent can never last wake me up when september ends ring out the bells again like we did when spring began wake me up when september ends here comes the rain again falling from the stars drenched in my pain again becoming who we are as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost wake me up when september ends Summer has come and passed The innocent can never last wake me up when september ends like my father's come to pass twenty years has gone so fast wake me up when september ends wake me up when september ends wake me up when september ends I'm not really a fan of Green Day and perfer their older stuff than "American Idiot", but this is somewhat relevant to your poem. Billie Joe Armstrong composed this song because he loved his father that passed away twenty years ago. Family and friends are people who are going to be the hardest to let go. Victims of 9/11 are also an example of people we need to let go and look ahead. You're situation might not be as severe as the previously mentioned but it only matters to you. "But now here I stand Thinking of years We shared and had Holding back tears, " Your poem is sad, but then yet again, it brightens the light that's inside me. It almost makes me want this to happen. Memories are great to have, but if we just rely and and hang ourselves onto them, then we're not learning anything. Poetry is supposed to create the an illusion and you James Reyna do invoke the powers of a strong illusionist. It's almost as if this was real and the person was really standing in a hallway of an empty high school staring ahead and thinking. The man walks through the hallways and watches the kids pass by along with the flying pieces of paper. "People will never know love until they lost it". If this was a stanza, it would be really a tear-jerking one indeed for the older audience. "As I flip pages Of memories gone And though I will remember for ages," I don't know if you figuratively or literally mean flipping through the pages of a yearbook, but there's absolutely no need to explain it. Either way works fine. There's nothing much to go through because it's basic and it keeps the poem going on. "Although the time seems long We stand here together With new memories to make That we will one day remember And promise never to break" This is an unexpected turn from what I had in mind just from the title. From "Don't you Remember", I wouldn't expect you to talking about the future memories and thoughts. Believe it or not, people don't for a million days. Now in today's standard, a million dollars isn't a lot. Keep the small things in that life offers close and don't let them go until you have to. Overall, I thought this was a bit better than "End of the Trail" because I like how it captures greivance of high school memories and how much you'll want it back. If I could try to change it in anyway, I think I would try something different in the "third stanza". You're more about generalizing the idea than stating true experiences. Though a few others have made a type of poem such as this one, I thought it was still original and well thought. Comparing and constrasting "Don't You Remember" to "End of the trail" is something I wanted to do when I read your discription and poem. It seemed that I've established a sort of personality that you possibly might fit into. I'm going to infer and say that you, James Reyna, are indeed a hero with a troubled past that wants to help others out. What I found to be the same about the two poems is that the character inside seems to be alone and heads out to the battlefield alone hoping that he will indeed do something to make a lawful change. It seems that you also want to make an impression to someone that looks up to you or loves you. Something about your writing tells me that you want to save someone and you explain your story to others hoping that an ear will catch onto the groove. In "Don't You Remember" you're more sad and not as vengeful as "End of the Trail" where you want to shove your fame in their stuffed-pig face. I felt as if "Don't You Remember" had a softer and sad tone to it, almost like a buzz ballad. "End of the Trail" felt like it was an old western song with high pitch whistiling and gun shots. There was much sting in it with soft words in "End of the Trail". You are truely something James, and I hope that you stick to your persona. Don't forget who you are and try your best to be the greatest character you can potentially be. May you have sucess in whatever you are pursuing and keep true. | Posted on 2007-09-30 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ] | Graduation captured perfectly in this simple poem, well done James! | It does take me back to my own graduation many years ago now and how life has changed. I loved to see the hopeful expectation you have here in this poem...after all life is about hopeful expectations and you have a wonderful magical road ahead, just choose a path. Lisa | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Lisa-Marie | [ Reply to This ] | Wow, that one hit me hard. I don't really know what to say I don't have a Critique. | But, I really can relate to the feeling of having those people so close to you become so far away. | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ] | I like this poem its chearfull realy, I realy don't have much to pick at the rhyme in the poem is calming good write :) | -darkeveris | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by darkeveris | [ Reply to This ] | ouch. | that totally hit me. im adding it to my favorites. i like how its simple and it gets to the point. it hurts because i wrote something like that but its called "forget me" and it does suck letting people go and not knowing whether they're gonna keep in touch. good job. -BleedingTears | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ] | This is great. The rhyming and everything. I'm sure my older sister could relate to this poem. She graduated 3 years ago, and when she came back home that day, she was crying....a lot | Everytime I read a poem, I try not to look at the description(if there is one)and I read the poem and guess what it means. Before I looked at yours though, for some reason I thought of brothers or sisters and they were recalling old memories they had, while looking through a photo book or something. After I read your description, it made a lot more since  Again gerat poem, Piper | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ] | first of all, aaaaaaaaarrrrgh :( i think you meant to write your title as "don't you remember" and not "don't you rember"... please, please (pretty please) edit it as soon as possible because it is like a pebble in the shoe. (i admit that i am not perfect and i give you freedom to nit-pick any or my work!) | now that i have that off my mind, i have to say that this is another beautiful piece that you have written. i like the flow of thoughts and rhythm. but i think that the ending may need a bit of rework "We stand here together With new memories to make" ---> love this "That we will one day remember And promise never to break" ----> i dunno about this. especially the last line. it seems to me that it is a bit forced - sort of fitted to rhyme with "make" but i can't think of how to make it better... | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ] | |
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