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I Shall Be Free

Author: junemarie
ASL Info:    62,F, Port Richey, Fl.
Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 66 /70 /27
Words: 145
Class/Type: Poetry /I am dead inside
Total Views: 1016
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1018


I Shall Be Free

Reaching out for your love
So hard
Pierced by a steel blue
lethal shard.

A love so cold, silent
And still
Into my soul it blows
A chill.

That tells me soon
I'll be alone
My beating heart will
Turn to stone.

If that's the way it
Has to be
The weeping earth shall
Cover me.

To struggle so just
Tires me
And nothing new
Inspires me.

No longer will I
play a game
Where I can't win
It's all the same.

If I go
Or if I stay
Nothing changes from
Day to day.

The sky so grey Against
My head
My only wish
That I were dead.

To lie beneath the
Earth so cold
Before I've even
Gotten old.

So very few will
Cry for me
Then finally
I shall be free.

Submitted on 2006-07-21 21:16:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

Comments be bluntly honest, I just didn't like this that much. To me it just sounded like every bit of angst poetry that I've ever heard, and so much of this was cliché'. Now, I'm not saying I hated it, it just didn't appeal to me in the least for some reason. It was just the old "wanna get shot in the head wish I was dead" sort of thing that bored me out of my mind. I was finding it hard not to skip over lines and stanzas to get to the end.
However, I do think that if you tried to make the symbolism and detail a bit more complex, maybe have a thesaurus or dictionary sitting next to you as you write, I think you could make a huge improvement. All I'm suggesting is to work on this with serious thought and maybe change the title to "Free At Last", not a dramatic change, but I think it will make a big difference. lol, I'm not meaning this offensively, but the title you have now sounds like a title to a Shania Twain song, which isn't bad, but it's not working with the poem for me.
Anyway, keep trying and if you have any questions or comments or any thoughts period about your poem or the way I commented on it, just copntact me. Peace!

| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]

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