Description: Im not sure how much i like this one, it had a twist at the end, see the first part is alway the stretch ad the second is the truth, and though the second to last stanza seems absurd it continues in that same order, stretch then reality...I don't know..what do you think?
Exagerration Is Based on *Some Truth -------------------------------------------
Over a ocean our hands and ways were parted, (really we just had to separate to walk over a puddle.)
We were torn apart by assigned space, at each end of the world, (or at least by assigned seats on the opposite sides of the room.)
There was a malice between us that I felt would never leave, (we argued over the remote and were over it in five minutes.)
We just sat there on the couch, quietly each pf us angry one of us more hurt than anything, (really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you while you watched.)
And you sat bleeding as I flipped through the channels.
This is an interesting one Anya. I'm liking it. I think you could format it differently though, to better effect.
Over [an] ocean our hands and ways were parted (Really we just had to separate to walk over a puddle)
We were torn apart by assigned space, at each end of the world (Or at least by assigned seats on the opposite sides of the room)
There was a malice between us that I felt would never leave (We argued over the remote and were over it in five minutes.)
We just sat there on the couch, quietly, each [of] us angry, one of us more hurt than anything (Really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you there)
And you sat bleeding as I flipped throug[h] the channels.
I don't know, what do you think? Also, in that second to last line:
really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you there.
I think you try to take out one of the "there"s. It would improve the flow. I really like the poem though, the idea and it's expression. Good write!
I agree its very intersting, I like how you started this off.. and the ending wasn't anything to what I was accpecting which is always good... throw your readers a surpise..I enjoied this
Submission Name: Exagerration Is Based on *Some Truth
