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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Exagerration Is Based on *Some Truthdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FarawayFeelings
    ASL Info:    16/F/Mia
    Elite Ratio:    0.93 - 159/74/72
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1126
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 643



    Description:
       Im not sure how much i like this one, it had a twist at the end, see the first part is alway the stretch ad the second is the truth, and though the second to last stanza seems absurd it continues in that same order, stretch then reality...I don't know..what do you think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsExagerration Is Based on *Some Truthdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Over a ocean our hands and ways were parted, (really we just had to separate to walk over a puddle.)

    We were torn apart by assigned space, at each end of the world, (or at least by assigned seats on the opposite sides of the room.)

    There was a malice between us that I felt would never leave, (we argued over the remote and were over it in five minutes.)

    We just sat there on the couch, quietly each pf us angry one of us more hurt than anything, (really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you while you watched.)

    And you sat bleeding as I flipped through the channels.




    Submitted on 2006-07-21 23:27:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an interesting one Anya. I'm liking it. I think you could format it differently though, to better effect.

    Over [an] ocean our hands and ways were parted
    (Really we just had to separate to walk over a puddle)

    We were torn apart by assigned space, at each end of the world
    (Or at least by assigned seats on the opposite sides of the room)

    There was a malice between us that I felt would never leave
    (We argued over the remote and were over it in five minutes.)

    We just sat there on the couch, quietly, each [of] us angry, one of us more hurt than anything
    (Really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you there)

    And you sat bleeding as I flipped throug[h] the channels.

    I don't know, what do you think? Also, in that second to last line:

    really you sat there with those hollow eyes and I shot you there.

    I think you try to take out one of the "there"s. It would improve the flow. I really like the poem though, the idea and it's expression. Good write!

    Justin :D
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting was the first thought that came to mind. I guess I can say what you're trying to write. Really interesting, in a non bad way.
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by Foreseer | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree its very intersting, I like how you started this off.. and the ending wasn't anything to what I was accpecting which is always good... throw your readers a surpise..I enjoied this

    ~*Jackie*~
    | Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


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