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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Holding Patterndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 691



    Description:
       ok so this was written about twenty minutes before my girlfriend told me about how she had a dream her grandmother had passed on. And this was said about an hour after she and her mother had talked about how everyone feels like she is on her way having out lived all of her friends. It was kind of unsettling to write this piece and then be told all that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHolding Patterndots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was never you
    I could do without
    just that ever made bed
    I've been to weak
    to try and fill

    Always a step behind
    laughter in the room ahead
    and I'm holding

    Soul'd packed
    Ticket bought
    and the trains
    a few years late

    It was never you
    who feared whats to come
    just a smile, saying
    until we next meet

    Always a step behind
    your perfume lingering in the air
    a reminder your not there

    You never said you'd wait
    I didn't ask it of you
    and I'm holding on






    Submitted on 2006-07-23 23:45:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It was never you
    I could do without
    just (the old) made bed
    I've been (too) weak
    to try and fill

    Always a step behind
    laughter in the room ahead
    and I'm holding

    (Soul's) packed
    (Tickets) bought
    and the (train's)
    a few years late

    It was never you
    who feared (what's) to come
    (smiling to say)
    until we next meet

    Always a step behind
    your perfume lingering in the air
    a reminder (you're) not there

    You never said you'd wait
    I didn't ask it of you
    (but) I'm holding on


    Ok, I don't know how you feel about other writers tweaking your posts, but I've made a few suggestions in parentheses that might give you some idea in what form a revision/ rewrite might appear. You may, of course, use or discard my suggestions as you see fit.

    Watching someone linger as their contemporaries die can often be sad, especially if that person is tired of old age and ready to leave the premises. It's human nature to fight a desparate war of occupation for a crumbling castle until nothing is left to inhabit.

    Nicely written.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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