Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Holding Patterndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 921
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 691



    Description:
       ok so this was written about twenty minutes before my girlfriend told me about how she had a dream her grandmother had passed on. And this was said about an hour after she and her mother had talked about how everyone feels like she is on her way having out lived all of her friends. It was kind of unsettling to write this piece and then be told all that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHolding Patterndots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was never you
    I could do without
    just that ever made bed
    I've been to weak
    to try and fill

    Always a step behind
    laughter in the room ahead
    and I'm holding

    Soul'd packed
    Ticket bought
    and the trains
    a few years late

    It was never you
    who feared whats to come
    just a smile, saying
    until we next meet

    Always a step behind
    your perfume lingering in the air
    a reminder your not there

    You never said you'd wait
    I didn't ask it of you
    and I'm holding on






    Submitted on 2006-07-23 23:45:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It was never you
    I could do without
    just (the old) made bed
    I've been (too) weak
    to try and fill

    Always a step behind
    laughter in the room ahead
    and I'm holding

    (Soul's) packed
    (Tickets) bought
    and the (train's)
    a few years late

    It was never you
    who feared (what's) to come
    (smiling to say)
    until we next meet

    Always a step behind
    your perfume lingering in the air
    a reminder (you're) not there

    You never said you'd wait
    I didn't ask it of you
    (but) I'm holding on


    Ok, I don't know how you feel about other writers tweaking your posts, but I've made a few suggestions in parentheses that might give you some idea in what form a revision/ rewrite might appear. You may, of course, use or discard my suggestions as you see fit.

    Watching someone linger as their contemporaries die can often be sad, especially if that person is tired of old age and ready to leave the premises. It's human nature to fight a desparate war of occupation for a crumbling castle until nothing is left to inhabit.

    Nicely written.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    111846

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry