Bottled Water by deadbeat

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Submission Name: Bottled Water dots

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Author:	deadbeat_88
ASL Info:	16/female/USA
Elite Ratio:	4.39 - 14/8/3
Words:	139

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	1276
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	931

Description:

Bottled Water dots

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They look at us with sad eyes
saying, "None of them really wants to die."
They send us away to be questioned
Our only answer, "I don’t know why."

They lock us in cells
Amongst the insane.
They call it a hospital
Yet look upon it with disdain.

Some of us come,
Some of us go,
But I must remain;
My progress is slow.

So here I sit waiting,
Your only daughter,
Vacant and faultless
Like an empty bottle of water.

“She just wants attention.”
Could I not really hate this life?
“She’s just like all the others.”
Can you not see my long drawn strife?

I know what they tell you,
Tossing about the 'medical names.'
I can only hope some day you'll learn
All bottled water is not the same.

Submitted on 2006-07-25 13:46:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This piece is rather dismal in that the subject at hand seems to be suicide. Marauding one's life like a pirate at sea plunders the beautiful galleons of the kingship is quite a tragic thing to be doing. And not because the pirates smell worse than a fetid carcass but because the thing they relish loses its value by their pursuit of it. It's like candy for a child. If it is received and taken savagely, the candy itself loses value and becomes cheap, something taken. This is where the act itself becomes the object of importance, and that act is pillaging, petty thievery. Adding to the gloominess I find is that you compare the nature of this to water, the placidly generic metaphor for life. It's quite ingenious because I agree with you that life itself has become a bottled thing, even outside of asylums a.k.a. hospitals in some countries (like Canada). The progress is slow indeed, especially with individuals like myself who embrace the anti-systematic path. But how else could you render things into reasonableness without methodically mechanizing life until people become chaste automatons awaiting the puppeteer. This, I think, is the product of Democracy, and we bathe galore in byproducts such as uninformed atheism, emotional embrace becoming the cecity of youth, corrupt political parties winning without a resilement behind their scandalous behaviours. Though, I think I have taken your write to a step beyond that which you desired. Not all bottled water is the same. This is a cry of individuality? No, you said it yourself. Maybe you just HATE life.

Maybe life is to be hated from within the plastic that bottles us in, made by the ever stipulative and controlling society that brought us into this world. Is it enough to clasp on to death at the sight of this mere aberration, or should one clasp onto hope as well, hope that things magnificent and great untainted by man exist.

Some of us abnegate this hope, and wish to die. Are they foolish misanthropes, or misunderstood abstractions?

I don't know. A few suggestions for this piece. Hmmm. I will repost your piece with my suggestions in bracket. You don't have to take any of them if you don't want to.

They look at us with sad eyes
[saying], "None of them really wants to die."
They send us away to be questioned
[we can] only answer, 'I don’t know.'

They lock us in cells
[alongside] the insane;
they call it a hospital
Yet look upon it with disdain.

Some come,
some go,
but I remain;
my progress is slow.

So here I sit waiting,
your only daughter,
[emptied] out and faultless
like an empty bottle of water.

“She just wants attention”
or [can] I really hate this life?
“She’s just like all the others”
Can you not see my long- drawn strife?

I know what they [tell] you,
I think it’s pretty lame.
I thought that you should know
[not] all bottled water [is] the same.

I added some punctuation which I didn't put in brackets and deleted some words which I didn't put in brackets either. But you get the gist of my suggestions. Again, don't feel obliged to take any of them seriously. They are mere considerations.

Yours,
Outlaw.
| Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this.it got me thinking. I like the message that your sending with it.
| Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by Cokesu | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the last line the most; it just really makes the ending.

in the first stanza, maybe you could change I in "But our only answer is, I don’t know why" to we, since you're talking about "our" and "them."
"Your only daughter
Cleaned out and faultless" doesn't really make sense to me, either.
also, if you changed "Can you not" in the third stanza to "Can't you," i think it would make the flow better, especially since you used contractions in other places too.

but i do think this poem is good; the message with bottled water is nice and original.
| Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good, i love this piece. It has alot of personality and uniqueness, its liek it has a mind of its own..phenomenal, definitely going on my favorites...keep it up..

-Anya
| Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.