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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Vision Within A Visiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 1017
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 795



    Description:
       I want to know what you think of this :))


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Vision Within A Visiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Knowledge is denied throughout the lands of sand he walks on, and even knowledge of denial is not granted. Still, he paces. Without rhythm or hesitation, with perseverant motion. He counts the steps he makes without remembering the numbers. Above the deceivingly glittering sand, a tunic of breezes twirls around his legs. Pillars of streaming air host countless grains of sand. Grains of sandstorms.

    His eyelids squeeze and hide the most of his black eyes that beckon heat. He peers at the horizon through a thick web of lashes, making the Sun smear in the sky and the sky merge with the sand, stretching the horizon vertically.

    A silky female voice fades in and wakes him from his sleep.
    -"Have you dreamt ?"
    -"I have. Of life."




    Submitted on 2006-07-26 12:38:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Vidim da nisam sama... ;)

    I agree with Father, you should definetly write more of this. You have a good start, it reminded me of the heat in July and being on the beach (I avoid those things, though).

    It looks to me like "he" is wondering about important things, such as the questions of life and death (or just being lost?) as he's walking. He's not completely happy, he's still searching. Aren't we all?
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by olut ja leipa | [ Reply to This ]
      Superb work. Good images, very natural.
    Complaint: Maybe longer? you have a good thing going...i dont see why you couldnt add more. Why shouldnt you I say.

    Cheers,

    Father
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Father | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this. It made me feel at peace and a little lonely in ways. I'm not completely sure why though. You had like some words in lines that didn't make to much sence but this is a very good write. i'm going to add it to my favorites. i dont know how it could really be improved sorry that i really dont have anything negative to say but some poems u just dont need to change. its a unique piece. keep up the good work.

    Spikerz
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by spikerz1621 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cool and interesting. I liked this a lot. I can imagine the gold sandy desert, and the heat, and this strange journey. And the desert is meant to represent the hardships of life? The man's journey is symbolic of our lives, and the smearing of the sun, the sky and the sand, a sign of decieved vision. It's an awesome piece. Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by onewingdtenshi | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, Shoggoth. I was picking randomly through stuff on the site and came across this piece. I liked it, so I figured I'd leave you a comment.
    The imagery is good. It has a cool, otherworldly quality to it (though it might not be otherworldly to someone who lives in, say, Egypt). Also, I like the metaphor- existential without being confusing. It reminds me a little of Rorschach's bit from "The Watchmen."
    "...God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever, and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hellbound as ourselves; go into oblivion." -Alan Moore
    I did find the first sentence of the second paragraph a little confusing, though. But that might just be me. Whatever the case, good work.

    YOG-SOTHOTH 'NGAH'NG AI'Y ZHRO,
    -DD
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]


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