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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Just a Childdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: spikerz1621
    Elite Ratio:    3.92 - 28/34/21
    Words: 216
    Class/Type: Poetry/You left me
    Total Views: 831
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1200



    Description:
       no im not pregnant nor was i ever this just came to me along with other poems like it during this tough time i guess. enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust a Childdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I had so many dreams
    That I thought would come true
    Until that one faitful day when I met you
    You swept me off my feet
    and acted like you were my prince charming
    but then that one faitful day
    when we went to far
    and all my hopes and dreams went a far
    once you had found out
    about the secret inside of me
    you went away
    to a distant place
    you wouldnt talk to me or return my calls
    you just left my life
    its been a few months since those days
    and now i cant even show my face
    this secret i'm carrying
    is starting to show
    because i let you in my life way to far
    you wanted me to get rid of it
    but it is a something
    so i couldnt do it
    it is a something that i will love
    and care for
    and if one day you want to see her
    i will let you for a little while
    but i wont let you ruin her life too
    shes just a child
    my hopes and my dreams
    may now be gone
    and life may be tough
    but i will not let you in
    to ruin things again
    because she is my child
    my love and my dreams




    Submitted on 2006-07-26 14:39:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked your poem, especially the beginning, the way you were telling the story and how everything started. The story was pretty clear and I liked that, though I'm not sure about the feelings of this person, first it seems hate but then it felt a little more sad.

    "but i wont let you ruin her life too"

    Anyways, I liked the combination of those emotions.

    Good job!

    Keep writing.

    XoXo
    Gaby
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by Lost_Delirious | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very nice. Though I felt hurt,agony,abandonedment, I also felt love and hope. Very nice. The flow was a bit off, but by the power of the wording it wasn't too noticable. I'm glad that this is just a poem though To be pregnant at so young of an age is very hard, I've been there. Guys, well, there guys. They don't really have any true feelings aside of lust that is. Great poem, I liked it alot. Keep up the fantastic work.

    Sweet Blood Vampire
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by SweetX_XBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes writing about something you know nothing about from experience is a no-no, as you can come off as naive and even arrogant, but rarely; otherwise, being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes is part of what writing is about. In this case, I think you did a very good job. You need to do spell check, and I just have a few suggestions on your wording:

    "but then that one fateful day
    when we went too far
    and all my hopes and dreams went afar"

    That sounds a bit redundant, and the wording is a bit unsure, it doesn't sound quite right.

    "then came that one fateful day
    when we went too far
    and all my hopes and dreams
    would soon be no more"

    Just an example of how you could change it.
    I like "the secret inside of me"
    That seems to describe so perfectly what it would feel like to be young and secretly pregnant.

    "but it is a something"

    maybe

    "but it is not just a thing
    it is a little person
    It is a person that I will love
    and care for
    so I couldn't do it"

    I think the ending is beautiful; I only wish that it is an attitude that would come to more teen mothers, that even though their life has been ruined in the sense that they have no hope of living the life they dreamed, nevertheless the child is a blessing in itself, to bring the kind of love and happiness that makes it worthwhile; that had none of it happened, though they would still be able to pursue their dreams, the little living person that is so unique and real would never have existed.

    Very good job, you covered the story of what so many teen mothers have gone through and will still go through.

    ~Skyniffer~
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]


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