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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drip Downdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: GothamFreak
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 110/48/19
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 748
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 810



    Description:
       Shikhar Mall = editor of this piece


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrip Downdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I let the blood drip down
    but you are nothing to me
    I let the blood drip down
    but you are nothing to me

    you were always there for me
    but I nevery really knew
    you were all that I see
    and that only didn't pursue

    everything that you told me
    lie it was, as I see
    and everything that you say now
    I say it that, that I resist

    and now
    all I am left to do
    is let the blood drip down
    from it's terrible wound

    so I did it around
    but you are nothing to me
    I let the blood drip down
    but you are nothing to me

    I let the blood drip down
    and cover my heart
    for the rest of my life's part
    in my shattered heart




    Submitted on 2006-07-26 18:05:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      coool mannnn blood dripps mannn. yooo i see you put your shattered heart up. yo dats tight. cool poem yo. (im not in a lecturing mood *sorry)



    yo much luv

    Da Grim Reaperesssssss
    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the poem got under forced rhymes, it could be good without them.

    After the first stanza: -
    .....................
    "you were always there for me
    but I [never knew]
    you were all [that I] see
    and that [only] didn't [pursue]"

    "everything that you told me
    [lie it was, as I see]
    and everything that you say now
    I say it that that I resist"

    "and now
    all I [am] left to do
    is let the blood drip down
    from [it's] terrible wound"

    "[so I do it around]
    but you are nothing to me
    I let the blood drip down
    but you are nothing to me"

    "I let the blood drip down
    and cover my heart
    [for the rest of my life's part]
    [in] my shattered heart"
    .......................
    ---Here I've brought some changes to your poem, hope you may consider them at once.

    I loved the first two lines intact, they order me to go and read more.

    Enjoy writing,
    SHK
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by shikhar_mall | [ Reply to This ]
      At first it seemed that the lines didnt really flow. but then i looked at it in more of a spoken word way and i foudn the beat. I like the repating of the " i let the blood drip down" it was like a silent voice whispering it. and without knowing it, the words become a thought stuck in motion in you head. You have a talent for rhyming i saw with the words "do" and "wound" at first i was skeptical but then i went over it agin and it worked! so good job with this piece.
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]
      Im not sure what to think about this, after my first read through I didn't like it but on te second read it made me think of the way I reacted when my ex begged me to take him back, I could see his pain when he poured his heart out to me but I turned my back on him and let go. This is what I see when I read this poem. I liked the way you repeated lines it really drums in the way you were feeling

    Babytinkerbelle
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
      i feel some sort of ambivalence in this, all because of the line "you were always there for me/ but I didn't know". also because of the "but" at the beginning of some of the lines, it's almost as if letting the blood drip should mean something like "this is my way of getting over you" but then you say "but you are nothing to me", which to me means "i am already over you", so it's sort of like giving someone the benefit of the doubt.
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by girl | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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