Saw her face across the bar
A thud inside as I fell for her
Staring through a whiskey glass
I want to take her home but dare not ask
I swear Iíve seen that face before
Whether once upon a dream I donít know
Could it be she might be mine?
But I canít see
Behind those eyes
She drives me crazy but I donít know her name
The only thought left in my mind is when I next can see her face
Though I know she donít want me
Iíve gotta hold her one more time before I go insane completely
Every week a different guy
It hurts inside but I know not why
Because every night sheís here with me
Iím not alone with her in my dreams
I see her smile I see those eyes
I try to speak but my tongue gets tied
When she says my name I feel punch drunk
And then I taste her lips
And I wake up
Iíve been thinking on you way too long I canít see myself inside my thoughts my hearts as heavy as this gun thatís loaded now but not for long. Hear the click that sees me through? Because all I ever want is you. Iíve gotta take away the pain though Iíd love to say that youíre to blame. My Doctor tells me that itís me obsessiveness is my disease and now I think Iíve found the cure, cock the hammer, hit the floor.
Ok, usually I don't like seeing regular speach written down, but you managed to pull it off well with this piece. "...when I next can see her face," ok, this I found to be a bit detrimental to the piece, as it's sort of reminscent of traditional flare of poetry, and the rest of it is quite well done in speach you'd actually hear. The only other thing I can suggest to change is me to my at the end of the fourth line of the paragraph and ommit the word it's, so that it will read "My Doctor tells me that my obsessiveness" That's actually pretty much it for suggestions, this piece was well done. Salaam.
WOW! Intense! I never looked at it that way... nor thought something like that would cross someone's mind. There isn't much tio critque here at all but if I wanted to say anything I had to critique something.
Well, there was one grammer part that throws me off when I read it... the don't in "Though I know she donít want me". Maybe you should change it to doesn't. And what do you mean by punhc drunk in "When she says my name I feel punch drunk"? Do you mean just drunk?