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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: six string thingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1265
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 743



    Description:
       I dropped her from about 5 feet the other day and she landed on her neck--I almost killed myself afterwards. But she is ok. Tough little son of a bitch I must say. Pure quality.....pure quality!!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssix string thingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    six string thing

    She plays me
    Like a genius humoring a clown

    I play her
    Her neck her body the sound

    When I hold her, hours pass like minutes
    I sustain, all the pain for all the planets

    She’d never leave me
    She bleeds me
    I lead her astray
    My fingers worked to the bone
    I bought her something new today

    Simple strings from the heart
    Little things to make her scream
    when we're apart
    This Love is cemented in time
    it's like a dream
    that intoxicates my mind

    my Gibson
    my Star
    I Am
    because You Are


    lamemansterms




    Submitted on 2006-07-27 15:21:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      She plays me
    Like a genius humoring a clown

    I play her
    Her neck(,) her body(,) the sound

    When I hold her, hours pass like minutes
    I sustain, all the pain for all the planets


    God, this part is so true for me too... hours become microseconds in the grand scheme of things... I just forget what's going on...

    It's a really bad idea to give me a guitar at a gathering... I just zone out and forget about everyone during playing lol.

    I think a couple of commas where I suggested would help, don't you think?

    Yea, and guitars never leave like women do lol. I recently snapped a string on mine-- the high E, thank god... so I can still play it... but now I have to bust in a new set... grr.

    Anyways, nice write Mike... you've got a sympathetic reader here lol.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't play. I don't even listen well. I'm tone deaf, but I know a good poem when I read one.
    This is good. Interesting topic, clever presentation, mostly original, though I agree you need to dump that one line. Replace it with something about how she makes you better. I also think the 5th strophe could be strengthened, just by rearranging the thoughts a bit;

    "She can't leave me, she needs me
    to work her...astray.
    She bleeds my fingers to the bone,
    so I bought her something new today."

    Maybe it's just me, but the way it was, seemed confusing to me.
    The rest is terrific. It expresses the muscian's closeness with their instrument. To some it is a love affair, an obsession, a life-altering profession, an add-on to their existence. Perhaps, at some time, you could expand on this, and tell the whole story of the relationship. It seems like that would be an interesting concept.

    Very intriguing read. I liked it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I play guitar-I relate...

    Just when I think i'm playing her/turns out she's playing me. Touching. I love your scent-?99999))!)!

    anyways-good poem, as a love poem it is refreshing to see some exaltation of beauty beyond the requisite "my girlfriend is perty hott! you know! WHoA!?!".

    As far as imagery goes-I think your were on the right path but it could be expanded and filled out some more in my eyes-since it is such a weighty topic. But what you have is good. I agree with the last comment regarding the "she really makes me part..." so no need to bury that one in the ground.

    Cheers,

    Father
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Father | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm, just to warn you I leave unusual comments.

    Firstly get rid of the line

    She really does make me so much better

    There is absolutely nothing poetic about it at all, the poem is flowing very well, admirably so up to that line and then it stumbles and takes one hell of a fall, on it's neck one oculd say. Anyway its obvious to begin with that this is a love poem, and a love poem can be a poem of adoration and this poem is a poem of adoration. But ugh this line, seriosuly yes you love the guitar/her but this line is so weak, really and truelly really is an unnessecessary strain. It's too long when read allowed, its clumsy replace it with something else.

    But this poem was good, i really enjoyed some elemets of it, such as the mixing of the She, which usually and almost always implies a boat, car country, invention computer or woman and the guitar. The simplisity of the lines

    My fingers worked to the bone
    I bought her something today

    Simple strings from the heart
    Things to make her scream

    these lines are amazingly powerful and the levels of meaning are brillaint, they are so plain when first looked at and yet they revela so much. Hmm i really did enjoy these and after I first read it these were the lines which remained in my head.

    The part of the poem where you talk about love, hmm not so much a fan of the time is hard thing, boo hoo, its borish rather than simple and elegent. Big army boots where you could do with a pair of ballet shoes. the shortness of the lines messess with the lines which precede it but the next 3 lines are good, slightly I'm 15 and i love my next door neighbour/guitar but good, and interesting in the general poem.

    this poem has a slight story like quailty at times and these are the bits which i enjoyed the mosty. To be honest at times I'd take a sledge hammer to parts of this poem and then out of the rubble recue the bits of writing which are truelly good but that is just my opinion and I can be overly cynical about love. The end of the poerm si a little sloppy but not without merit. And I know that this comment seems harsh and possibly unfair but it's just an opinion and if you don't agree fair enough, etc its just my reaction to it.

    harri
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by harri | [ Reply to This ]


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    112326

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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