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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Here I amdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darcey D
    ASL Info:    17/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 50/78/42
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 748
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 564



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHere I amdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I am just walking down the street
    walking-
    walking-
    walking-
    With nothing on; besides socks on my feet

    Here I am crying and alone
    crying-
    crying-
    crying-
    With you not caring; since your on the phone

    Here I am just talking to you
    talking-
    talking-
    talking-
    With you not listening; having things to do

    Here I am dying and mad
    dying-
    dying-
    dying-
    With you smiling; being happy and glad





    Submitted on 2006-07-27 17:33:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It was okay, I did like the over-all idea and words of it, but something was definitely missing here for me. Maybe you could try to work on it a bit more, add a bit more character to it. I just felt like you simply wrote this, with no emotion or anything. Try to add something a bit more personal into it. I got that there was some feeling in this, sure, but it's like there wasn't enough in here to get your point across but at the same time allow the reader to relate and say "wow!". When you just kept saying walking, walking walking...crying...etc, to me it was like you had nothing better to say. Try to work on this, I know it has potential.

    *tox*
    | Posted on 2006-07-29 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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