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    dots Submission Name: Broken Bones Die Alonedots

    Author: RedRoseofBlood
    ASL Info:    19/f/outsideyourwindow
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 592/582/135
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1133
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 791

       I don't know. <: It just kinda came to me. o.O

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Bones Die Alonedots

    She is made of broken bones
    Tiny gnashing teeth
    Her origin unknown

    She contains a shattered heart
    One that was once sweet and syrupy
    Now turned tart

    Clothed in a red satin dress
    Tattered, and torn
    Grace and beauty she does not possess

    Small polka dots camouflage her figure
    Delicate but not dainty it is
    Scars on her wrists not enough to disfigure

    Longing for a significant other
    One long since past
    Can't find another

    She is made of broken bones
    Tiny gnashing teeth
    And she will die alone

    For no one could love her looking this way
    Though her nature may be sweet
    She will be left to decay

    Submitted on 2006-07-27 22:15:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The title pulled me right in! I was going: "Wow, how is she going to make sense out of THAT statement??" Then you answer it in the first 3 lines - there's a live person made of broken bones. That's such a fine beginning. After getting enthusiastic about the beginning, I naturally checked out whether the ending is just as good and it isn't. My solution would be to lose the last triplet and then the remaining ending would be stronger, with an additional strength from repeating the first lines. But it's not my poem, it's yours, and maybe the final remark, about outward appearance, has some importance that I just don't get? And in the last triplet the word 'decay' is strong and provoking because it refers both to teeth and to bones ... and it immediately made me think how teeth decay right there in your mouth whilst you're still alive and wanting to kiss somebody, so that the broken bones of her emotional body are more like decaying teeth than they are like decaying bones in a coffin. So for the ending, to give it more of a surprise twist and an emotional impact, maybe changes in the final stanza based on that figure it contains would be rewarding?

    I never change poems because someone thinks I ought to! Two things happen from criticism: I learn a new trick to use in future compositions; and sometimes I realize that the poem is not the full quid, so I put it in the other folder to look at after I've forgotten all about it! Some resurrected dud pomes eventually grow into good ones, just because some critic started by destroying my confidence in the first effort! (That doesn't help the critic concerning their safety at all, however ...)
    | Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      hum, vary sad.... reminds me of an lost chiled .....or even a lover lost... well it is vary deep and well writen.. and we both know i cant corect you on spelling or gramer lol so all i can say is if the poem grasped me or not and yea it looked like it did.
    i bet you are looking at this right now and saying "capital letters dear or bad spelling." lol
    love ya lots
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by BloodyMary87 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sad, sometimes that's how I feel about myself. I guess it's kind of pathetic to think lowly of yourself, but then again, everybody does at least once in their lives.
    Anys, I don't think this poem has potential, I think it's great the way it is, and there is no potential because you've used it all up to make it the great write that it already is. So, basically, don't change anything about it. Laters.

    | Posted on 2006-07-29 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this piece. keep up the great work. it sounds like there is something missing in the poem. very broken hearted. it sounds so sad and lonely. you should post the rest of the story. and if you haven't written it yet i know its in there somewhere. look for it. keep posting.
    love tina
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      such a pity
    theres scars in wrist after wrist yet they travel the short way instead of the long way....
    the scars that is... i love the potential of this poem.. keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by blackhart | [ Reply to This ]

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