[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Best Way To Kill A Humandots

    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 214
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1968
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1553

       I tried to rhyme a little more in this one and shy away from the comfortable free verse way I usually write, tell me what you think!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Best Way To Kill A Humandots

    Blood spatters
    Against a worm ridden wall,
    A voracious reminder
    Of the hate in our hearts.

    "But maybe,"
    She says,
    "This is not my fault,
    Maybe this is just my humanity,
    Finding it's way through my arm."

    From the shoulder
    To the elbow,
    From the elbow
    To the fingers,
    And the fingers somehow
    Found their way to the handle.
    A quivering point
    Left hanging, suspended,
    She's hoping it will find it's way
    To his vibrating heart.
    Yet, somewhere between
    Heaven and hell,
    Angels and demons are stirring;
    Waiting for her decision
    To bring a traveler to torment,
    Or bring his soul to the hearth.
    But the tension is steady,
    The air a blanket, threatening to smother
    Her shallowing conscience,
    Her wavering heart.

    A swift motion in the air,
    A bird of prey to it's mark.
    The rodent is squirming
    And unwilling to die.
    But the beak does not care,
    It is indifferent to it's cries.

    Wake up child!

    She rises from the darkness,
    Unable to distinguish reality
    From what is surreal.
    All she knows
    Is that she is safe in her bed.
    Imagining everything,

    The best way to killl a human being
    Is in your head.

    It's less messy that way.

    Submitted on 2004-05-17 21:46:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The best way...to kill a man, is to take him to the middle of the twentieth century....and leave him there.

    I disagree with AngelOutlaw, I found the last line rather necessary for the conclusion of the work.
    Can't say anything about the rhyme, though the imagery is really, as you put it, vivid.

    | Posted on 2007-06-21 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I liked it a lot. But, I was disappointed when I read the last line. I don't know. It was witty, but I think it ruined it. My opinion, take off the last line, and leave it that way.
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      And also, in contrast to Racy Lark's comment: I very much like the last line. Adds a bit of dry humor to this otherwise dark and twisted piece.
    | Posted on 2004-06-01 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      good job. your attempt to rhyme......maybe i missed it.......nope. you do well with the free verse type tho. if you want to do the rhyming thing....try harder.lol. the problem with that is, it sounds forced if you try too hard. which can destroy an otherwise stellar poem. Do what works for you. you gots talent
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
      great concluding line - BRILLIANT in fact... your title caught me in... and this whole piece was fine... i didn't see TOO much of a rhyme scheme... but that's all right as it still flowed well like your other works.
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]
      Very clever - perfect punch-line ending to what was a steady flow of body fluid images and lank hair flopping across eyes.
    I like the loosely rhyming style and it works here to draw the ideas together.
    The best way...
    Very good, you have a way.
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      I was trying to eat....and lost my want for another bite. I do wonder why....lol...
    I am not sure but a deep dark message trembles from the inside out....interesting...
    | Posted on 2004-05-17 00:00:00 | by Vibrant | [ Reply to This ]
      hehehe good twist. I think the reeeally long stanza should've been broken up into 2 stanzas at "Yet, somewhere between.." I think I would like that better, but it's your piece.

    As for the rhyming: I did like it. It was effective and I liked how it was loose and merely suggested in some places, not at all forced. Very good, I would suggest to try to keep rhyming for a little longer... I think you would do well with it!
    | Posted on 2004-06-01 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]