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Author: Aetha Daemon
Elite Ratio:    6.81 - 91 /56 /29
Words: 67
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1199
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 444


I just revised it, so let me again know what you think of it!


swift and black-
image of innocence;
in solitude
unquenchable thirst,
dark as the night...
with eyes of light
she hunts...

Submitted on 2006-07-28 01:47:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I agree with Clyde at most points..
But I have an own opinion as well, lol

This reminded me of a vampire, but any dark creature would fit the image.. A lot of creatures hav a blood lust you know..
At least.. the unquenchable thirst made me think of bloodlust.

I always think a proper punctuation looks better, but thats up to you.

I think.. with a little revision.. you might make this piece darker and idk.. it's nice as is, but could be better.

| Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
  Remids me of a panther but there is something that does not sit right in this write.

Your words are very good but you over use them in such a short write. If the write was longer this would go unnoticed.

There needs to be more here to give depth to the write. The reader can see that there is passion but is left hanging. Change the structure so that the flow is not stopped. Some writes read very well without puncuation but this one could use it to highlight the breaks.
Try lengthening the write and some puncuation. If you don't want to do that then restructure the write so that it flows without breaks.

Use it if you want.

For the most part this is very good.

Try reading your write out loud for effect. If you stumble through it then you need to rethink it.

Respect and Admiration

| Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

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