Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Telling Me To Be Quiet


Author: Aetha Daemon
Elite Ratio:    6.81 - 91 /56 /29
Words: 43
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1105
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 309



Description:


Thanks to Adam, I have revised [for the better, I hope] the 'Shut Up' poem. I quite like it this way. My run-on formatting before wasn't quite enough! Thanks!


Telling Me To Be Quiet



Leaves slap my face
And tell me to shut up

Zephyr sears my skin
And forces me to halt

Earth contorts
Freezing
Beneath my stinging feet

I cannot talk
I cannot move
I cannot walk

But
I can
Listen




Submitted on 2006-07-28 02:28:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Hi Aetha,

I have two suggestions, or nitpicks if you will:

# 1. I think the word zephyr means a gentle, pleasant breeze - not a searing one. You need something more harsh here to show the sudden jolt to attention - like you did with the SLAP! of the leaves. Of course maybe I am wrong about what a zephyr is, though.

#2. In the third stanza, you seem to switch horses midstream. In the first two, you told what was happening to YOU, which helps to underscore the cause/effect relationship between your experience and your "paralysis." I was slapped. Now I can't talk. I was seared. Now I can't move. The EARTH freezes. Now I can't walk? See what I mean? I think you need to keep yourself as the object being acted upon.
One thing that I find interesting and visually pleasing about the poem is the use of threes: Three stanzas to describe what is happening to you in three ways. Three lines to tell what the results of those actions are. Then you stretch your last sentence into three lines. By the way, I LOVE the ending! This world could certainly use many more listeners!

Annie
| Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
  it's like you've been running madly around all hectic and worry and then you catch yourself suddenly out in the open and stop and look and listen, actually for once feel the cold and world around you, and for that brief moment you stop thinking about yourself and realise there's so much more than TV and school and work and getting there on time...

well at least that's what i get from it.

i personally think the poem would read better spaced out me. i've also slightly altered the 3rd and 4th lines. it's simply a suggestion and it's completely up to you whether you think it works or not.

Leaves slap my face
And tell me to shut up

Zephyr sears my skin
And forces me to halt

Earth contorts
Freezing
Beneath my stinging feet

I cannot talk
I cannot move
I cannot walk

But
I can
Listen

thanks for sharing!

Adam
| Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  I love this. It reminds me of a freezing cold day when the earth is frozen and the leaves left on the trees are frozen and sharp. The world is quiet and here I am trudging through it disturbing its peace. It makes me stop and listen to hear the tinkling ice (like crystals in a wind chime) and the voices of everything hushed but not mute reminding me that I don't own it.

Somehow I doubt this was your intention... I don't know quite why, but I feel I got it wrong. However, since there's no right or wrong to poetic interpretation I take my license to do so. Whether I 'got' what you were saying to a T or not, this is an awesome piece. I know I understood the nature of it, but perhaps not the season or exact intent.
Anyhow, I am a lover of brevity, and this gave me a lot to ponder in a short read. I'm a fan.
Jessica
p.s. I'm not grammatically challenged (I promise!), I just keep making errors I'm too tired this morning to fix. So apologies for my improper punctuation and such in this comment.
| Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
  Ha!!! this is beautiful!! now this is intelligent manipulation of words. let me tell you why i loved it,

telling you to be quiet, not someone shouting at you ordering you to, it is just circumstance- the leaves and the zephyrs, the cold is generally mistreating you and then you end it- listen!! i loved the way it made me visualise the whole scene. again, beautiful short potent poetry. go gurl.
| Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



112415