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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Aquaticdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1669
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 770



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAquaticdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Washed ashore, exhausted
    from constant effort.
    Tides of high desire flood
    forward, waves measure time lost
    in eternal effort to reach beyond,
    to new beginnings.
    Hours of determination are tiring,
    energy drained, I recede.
    Another failed attempt, remain
    saturated in my surroundings.
    I am drowning, drowning in myself.
    Fluid strength fills my soul,
    but longing for a solid foundation
    keeps me restless.
    Salted tears of frustration
    ripple endlessly, soaking into
    what lies before me,
    always just out of reach.
    So much relies on me to be who I am,
    and still I fantasize of what could be.
    I am misunderstood...
    I am the ocean.




    Submitted on 2006-07-28 08:19:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Longing, something I know well. Your piece is a wonderful envisonment of the unrequited. It's always there, yet always beyond reach--the desire never fulfilled.

    It's been a while since I was here and I thank you for allowing me to return to a writing such as this. You've always had talent and in my absence it has grown to greater proportion. Keep up the great work and I hope that when I finally post something new it is a well written and thought out as this.
    | Posted on 2008-09-14 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      each and every line i read,well it induced in me some thing i dont know what?
    maybe an inspiration.
    maybe a likeliness .
    but i really liked the poem



    and at the end the way you have ended it "I am the ocean" as if answering to a riddle
    its beautifully done.
    | Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I've never seen a poem with so many comments, and well deserved. This beautiful poem is one of the best I have read here so far. Keep up the excellent work!
    Soul-Hugger
    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      The Ocean! The Siren's song of the ocean, the vast reservoir from which we and all life came, endlessly fascinating to us all!

    Lorna, you handled this beautifully! A poem which begins and has no ending in spite of its close! You were right to compare yourself to the Ocean, as you are the Siren, and sing to us with an awsome control of words!
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading your poem titled, "Aquatic"

    As I read this poem, I feel the ociean tides sailing beneath a blue moon.

    The internal clock of ocean life is synchronized to the dance of the moonlight.

    As I walk along the ocean shore, I fell the ocean breeze and like magic, I can reach out and touch a crescent moon.

    The ebb and flow of this poem drift out on ocean waves and ocean currents, transporting a message of hope for humanity.

    Yes, water is the substance and essence of all life, here on earth.

    Keep sharing and keep writing great poetry!

    Hope you have time to read more of my poetry, too?


    FireFly747
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your words flow like water ! This was great!!! I love the way it made you feel at the first and then it changed at the end. Thanks for sharring such a great poem!!!
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna,

    I like the way this washes over me.
    I particularly like your alliteration and other techniques that give this a good feel when read aloud.

    The ocean is often a metaphor in mystic poetry. You continue that tradition with this one.

    Nicely done.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the picture that you used to compliment your writing.
    Your description was more than adequate for us to visualize the ocean, but the picture was the crowning touch.
    | Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Beez | [ Reply to This ]
      It struck me in reading this that the ocean of life and love have been captured so well. Thank you. You might try reading this as you play Frank Bridges, The Sea, they go so well together.
    | Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]
      Simply wow this is awesome writing and I love the way you desibe the ocean in this piece almost as if it is a gentle giant I truly enjoyed reading this one as most of yours I do and thanks for your kind words as well on my work hope to see you back again soon love this one and it's another fav to add to mine of yours already.

    Wilma
    | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      I always pay back people for commenting on my work, with commenting on their work . At least If I do not forget, lol. I sometimes pick a title at random, but now I didn't, because really the title 'Aquatic' pulled my attention. I don't know why, but I am fascinated by the sea. So that probably explains my choice.
    It was a good pick, because I like it really much, I am going to make this a fave ;)
    I like the way how you played with the words, little contradictions, alliteration.. all that poetic devices.
    I especially like the "drowning, drowning in myself', and the 'salted tears of frustration'. parts. And the longing for something solid.
    I believe I am not the only one to think that you were first describing the thoughts of a person, drowning, because this was a very clever write.
    Anyway, this made me think of my favorite song at the moment, it's called 'Oceans'. I'm gonna turn on the music and stop writing my rather useless but loving comment =P

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your personification of the ocean, how you take something quite powerful and awesome and devastatingly cruel as this, and turn it into to an insecure, unsatisfied, yet ambitious voice that reminds me of the way i thought when i was in my early teens.

    I applaud you for your surprising depiction of the ocean as a sentient entity.

    I've not much criticism to offer, but I hope you continue to write like this, very intriguing.

    'till next time,

    ~Keegan Ryan Gilmore
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      this is excellent i love poetry and i have to say that this is pretty good ive read a couple of your other ones i have to say i like your writing style thank you for your suggestions on what to do with insomnia i will take them into consideration im always looking for ways to improve i must say again i realy liked this i give it a 5
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by blood red angel | [ Reply to This ]
      Somehow is reminds me of how salmon swim upstream, or how butterflies travel south. Either way, you've captured the neediness
    and relentless pursuits of instinct.

    And the vastness of being misunderstood is a key too, there are some thoughts and emotions we just couldn't trouble others with,
    except in formats such as these.

    Nice texture and images, and the relationship works well. I know I've written a piece that's similar but not nearly so complex.

    Thanks for sharing,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      wonderful metaphor, using the ocean as being misunderstood. the ocean is so vast and at times frightening.. mysterious. there is constant movement, with the tides ebbing and flowing.. it can become exhausting, like you say in your opening line.

    i like some of Joey's suggestions, but in the end it is your piece and you will edit as you see fit.

    it's hard to have a solid foundation when the sand is wet and the waves keep coming..

    excellent work, Lorna.

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna, This is truly beautiful and truly POETIC!!
    I love the line;

    "Tides of high desire flood forward, " (but then you knew I would like that one :) )

    To me this is both an inner struggle to change to become something or someone different, but one is pulled back into ones self again and again remaining the same, perhaps someone that others need you to be. It also seems a struggle to break out of isolation and break the bonds that hold you in.

    I also see this as a wish to reach ou toward another perhaps a love object that always seems so close yet so far away.

    You do all this through your poetry you touch us all!!!

    :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

    L
    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-07-29 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have much to add to the previous comments. I really like poems with two levels and it seems you have one here. At the first level, obviously it's a piece personifying the ocean.

    On the second level, I see a really strong metaphor for how each of us feels at times. We bang our fatigued heads against figurative walls, only to be pulled back to our steady worlds. We're generally content, but we so wish to be a little bit more...

    Nicely done.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-07-29 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I completely agree with phil's comments, so that part of the technicalities are out of the way.

    On to visuals: They are aided greatly by the picture, which set a mood that was carried along throughout the poem.. Also, your wording is simply marvelous. I don't like the fact that joyalphabet said to decrease the wording. I would not make this any more simple.

    I loved the last line, 'I am the ocean', but I do not like the misunderstood part. I would take out 'misunderstood' and just leave that part for the rest of the poem to explain (since it already does). So it would be:
    I am...
    I am the ocean.
    As if you were fighting to make the words come out.
    I believe that this is already a fantastic poem without changes, so any more that you add should be very delecately applied so as to not change the whole aspect of the poem.
    Well Done! I would love it if you looked at my poems. Thanks so much!
    ~Aetha
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Aetha Daemon | [ Reply to This ]
      My thoughts Lorna? That this piece seems sad and wistful... and hoping for newer horizons. It's contemplative and introspective... and I feel like this a lot of times truth be told... misunderstood... but don't we all?

    This has a nice cadence to it, a rolling sort of meter when I read it out... it suits the theme of your poem: ocean as metaphor for you, for your state of mind/emotions etc... how it fluctuates between extremes...

    It's a nice piece... and yea... I thought I'd stop by for once and give you a comment lol.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      So much analysis yet again. Why not just say it is perfectly created, expressed and written.

    That says it all for me !

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you use the ocean as a metaphor here in this write.
    As always your write is deeply impressionable to the reader.
    This show the struggle to remain grounded and be true to ones self. Showing the the thoughts of feeling that you have missed out on something and when you reach for what you are missing it seems to be just out of reach.
    And of course the ending was well put. To be just as an ocean and be misunderstood.
    Individualism is hard to describe and I think you have done a good job here.

    Your descriptions were very well thought out and I could see in my minds eye being washed upon the beach and trying to crawl up the beach with no energy.
    I also like how you make the transition from the ocean to self. Seems to flow and if you don't pay attention the reader doesn't realize the transition.

    Well I rambled enough.

    Nicley Done Pretty Lady

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is fantastic! I love the concept of a frustrated ocean, personified into feeling the same lack of achievement that besets us all from time to time. Is the need for something new so universal that even the sea joins the search? Of course it is.

    Joey has suggested changes worth considering, I would like to add another approach for you to ponder.

    Washed ashore, exhausted,
    tides of high desire flood forward,
    waves measure moments lost.
    My eternal efforts to reach beyond,
    to new beginnings
    tire in hours of determination.
    Drained, gravitating,
    in another failed attempt, I remain
    saturated in my surroundings,
    drowning. . . drowning in myself.

    Relentless energy fills my soul
    and longing for a more natural balance
    keeps me restless.
    Salted tears of frustration
    ripple endlessly, soaking into
    what lies just out of my reach.
    So much relies on my monotony,
    yet I fantasize of what could be.
    I am misunderstood...
    I am the ocean.

    I must also chime in with compliments on the ending of this. The two lines together work so well at adding life to the ocean and culminate the litany of frustration. That's why I like the word "monotony" placed where I've put it, I think it adds to the whole concept of a living sea. Well, at any rate, that's my take on this. I thought it was brilliant. It gives us poets someone, something, we know will always be more perplexed than ourselves. Wonderful!

    Phil

    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way you end this – that one line is so strong and the depth of it is amazing. As always I’m full of comments (or full of SOMETHING); feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em. Nice work here. I’m seeing a maturation of your work.


    Washed ashore, exhausted
    from constant motion. – I’D DELETE THIS LINE
    Tides of high desire flood
    forward, waves measure time lost – MAYBE CHANGE ‘TIME’ TO ‘MINUTES’?
    eternal effort to reach beyond, - DELETE ‘IN’
    to new beginnings.
    Hours of determination tiring, - DELETE ‘ARE’
    energy drained, recedING. – CHANGE ‘I RECEDE’ TO ‘RECEDING’
    Another failed attempt, remain
    saturated in my surroundings.
    I am drowning, drowning in myself. – REPETITION’S NICE HERE!
    Independent strength fills my soul, - NOT SURE ABOUT ‘INDEPENDENT STRENGTH’
    but longing for a more solid foundation – ALSO NOT SURE ABOUT ‘MORE SOLID FOUNDATION.’ THESE ARE BOTH FAIRLY ABSTRACT; MAYBE THERE’S A MORE METAPHORICAL WAY TO ExpRESS THIS?
    keeps me restless.
    Salted tears of frustration – MAYBE ‘SALT WATER FRUSTRATION’?
    ripple endlessly, soaking into
    what lies before me, - DELETE ‘BEFORE ME’
    always just out of reach.
    So much relies on me to be who I am, - NOT SURE ABOUT THIS LINE
    and still I fantasize of what could be.
    I am misunderstood...
    I am the ocean.
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW
    Lorna I must say this one And the last one you published are getting into a new and completely different style for you and I must say
    I LOVE IT
    Absolutely beautiful and true
    The Ocean is the life source to many living breathing creatures including us the Human Being
    You brought the two of them together perfectly
    I am always amazed at your talent
    You are truly an inspiration to me
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good, Lorna. I was inticed by the poem so much that I was shocked to see you were speaking of the literal ocean. I just as well say that could be me and how I feel sometimes in life. Very powerful wording and the underline pain in each line tugs at your heart strings. I think you got a winner here.

    Trina
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't look at the other comments....so if anyone said this, well...I didn't know. lol

    But I liked your poem very much. The only advice I can really give, on some of the Stanzas that you have, I think there could be a break, just to make it a little easier to read.
    Also....some of those abstract ideas in the poem didn't quite make sense to me. Maybe some other words could be substituted. Other than that, I thought your poem was quite good.

    Keep writing.
    -Strator
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Strator | [ Reply to This ]
      o.o; I'm not sure what I can add... the other people who here all seem so expirance and the poem was so good I could barelly find any fault in it, and what I did find they nailed very well.... so, uh... good job and keep the good work is all I can really say, thank you for commenting in my own, I really appciate it!
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Shadow_Mirror | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good, Lorna. I loved the metaphorical point of view of this. If taken directly, you painted a very beautiful picture. Clever word choice, I must add. You must have put a lot of thought into this.


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Washed ashore, exhausted
    from constant effort. (like the idea here, but be wary of the whole "show don't tell" paradigm).

    Tides of high desire (clever play on words - good spice for the poem) flood
    forward, waves measure time lost
    in eternal effort to reach beyond,
    to new beginnings.

    Hours of determination are tiring,
    energy drained, I recede. (been there - this line speaks to me as well as other people, i'm sure)

    Another failed attempt, remain
    saturated in my surroundings (very nice description).
    I am drowning, drowning in myself (excellent! my fav. line in the poem!).
    Fluid strength fills my soul,
    but longing for a solid foundation
    keeps me restless.
    Salted tears of frustration
    ripple endlessly, soaking into
    what lies before me,
    always just out of reach (been there).
    So much relies on me to be who I am,
    and still I fantasize of what could be.
    I am misunderstood...
    I am the ocean ( i getcha).

    The only thing i would say is that more academic writers would tell you to "show" and not "tell" so much.

    But me personally, I always like to understand the work (otherwise it is an exercise in vanity), which does require some telling. I very much like this piece because I can identify with it personally (as many people can I'm sure). This poem is about defeat and the pain thereof. But not just any defeat - repeated defeat. But it is also peppered with the feeling of hope, which is something every winner keeps in their heart.

    Hope this helps - keep writing.

    Art Lives!
    T.J.
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]


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