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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Along the shoresdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Friendship
    Total Views: 1447
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
       I thought of this last night, wrote it down in 5 minutes. I intended this to be something completely else, but when I wrote down my first line, along came a melody, which didnt fit at all whit what I was going to write.
    To get into the proper mood: it's meant to be a slow and sad song..

    My inspiriation for this is my oldest friend Deborah, where I used to have alot of fun with. We've grown apart a little, but not too much.

    feel free to comment as you like, nitpick, bash it, whatever, as long as you stay honest.

    - I know I've written better pieces


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlong the shoresdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Along the shores we ran,
    nothing to hold us back.
    Hairs in the wind
    feel the blow
    a time I won’t regret...

    So long ago, I know.
    I won’t forget
    those times we had,
    they’re safe inside my head,
    it’s long ago, I know,

    but I, I won’t forget.

    Along the streets we ran,
    guilty of mischief again.
    Hide together
    stifled laughter
    a time I know we had...

    So long ago, I know.
    I won’t forget
    those times we had,
    I wish they had never left.
    It’s long ago, I know,

    they’re safe, inside my head.




    Submitted on 2006-07-29 12:53:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I loved this because of how reflective it was of a feeling I know all so well. Love that existed should always be remembered, because if it meant something then, it should mean something now. It's not something as strong as living in the past... its remembering a significant part of your life... so as to make sure it stays important to you. The writing described it perfectly, those brief moments of love, that become only memories.
    | Posted on 2008-07-19 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is actually quite a good poem. Nicely understated with a superb use of repetition throughout. (Note: in line 3 it should be "hair's" not "hairs".) A really excellent poem... bravo... bravo... bravo ...
    | Posted on 2007-11-21 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey man,
    That's really good. i think I know exactly what your going thro. It seems like for the longest time I just wanted someone to write something so true and knowing about what I feel and I think this hit it on the nail. Thank you. When I read this something in me went to peace. I t comed my ocean. Thank you. Please keep writing. I think it keeps me sane. Thank you.

    Kelsey
    | Posted on 2007-06-21 00:00:00 | by bleeding_sin | [ Reply to This ]
      Lovely example of nostalgia. Reminds me of me. Always something I look for in a piece of writing. Nothing much to say, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece...happy birthday, belated or not.

    sincerest affections
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice lyrics. I know it's meant to be a slow and sad song but it can be a fast,sad song too. Screamo. Anywayz i like it. Thanks for the constructive poem, i'll keep in mind your hints but im not going to change this version.

    Greetz,

    Riki_nl
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by riki_nl | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a very sweet poem. It made me smile as I read it but also made me a little sad too. I know this feeling you speak of here and not being able to forget the good times you spent with friends. Life has a funny way of changing as the time goes by and often the people you had a wonderful friendship with get pulled in different directions and you end up losing touch with them over time. I had many friends when I was younger that at the time I thought would be close to me my whole life. But then that thing called life stepped in and circumstances changed for one reason or another and we lost touch. It does indeed suck and it is hard but then you find you meet new people and develop new friendships that somehow fill that void. Of course you will always have those best friends that no matter what you dont forget and nobody else seems to fit their place. This is a good poem full of feelings and it allows the reader to reflect on their own experiences as well. Nice job.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      great peice. No tune that I could really think of. It seemed childish in the main body, but each of the single liners brings it back to today, not keeping it in nostalga, so well done there. I liked the style, but I think it could have somehow changed some of the lines. None of the repitition is forced enough to stick anywhere, so i think you might change that.
    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      hello my friend. your writing skills far surpass your age! this is very touching and yet very intelligently penned. as i read it, it remined me of memories i had of "friend's of yesterday" as i call them. thus, these lyrics are also emotionally thought-provoking! even though it's sad, it left me smiling at the end...because all good memories are kept in the safest place of all...the mind! very good jann...i look forward to reading more from you!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      Janneke
    This is really beautiful
    I can feel the Love you share for this person and I find it quite comforting myself to go back in time in my head to positive memories as these good memories always carry over and keep you happy in the present so you may move forward in life
    The flow of this is excellent
    I read this to myself 3 times and each time with a different melody and in each version this flowed well
    Excellent Job!!!
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please keep in touch
    I miss hearing from you
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this was pretty good. It has a fantastic tone to it. I love the way that it moves from one memory to the next in a reminiscing, hushed manner, as if you were telling important secrets.

    That ^ is what I DO like.

    What I found--off--was the way that it read. You use repetetive phrases and words, but you don't stick to a structure for those things, like 'I won't forget' lines are always in different spots. I found this slightly disorienting. That was all that I found, and it only took away from the aesthetics of the poem. The poem [words] themselves were supreme!

    ~Aetha
    | Posted on 2006-07-29 00:00:00 | by Aetha Daemon | [ Reply to This ]
      I admire the theme of holding on to memories and all, but I felt that your piece was a little repetive in the won't forget part, and that the melody was not concrete. I guess I have to hear you sing it to get what feel you are going for, because slow and sad was to vague for me. The wording itself, was pretty good. I think that maybe adding more details to the memories will make tthis song stand out. All in all, good work, but could be better.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Long live memories! I am not sure if lyrics are supposed to be punctuated, but if they are then you should work on that.

    I don't particularly enjoy reading lyrics, as you can never tell how the composer intended them to be read.

    But you had a strong message, and the rhyme pattern, although very much broken up, did not feel forced.

    I loved how you took advantage of the text formatting facility which we FINALLY have.

    Friendship like that which you described is hard to find, and it is good to know that you treasure it.


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-08-19 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]


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