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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rain Magicdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shootingstar
    ASL Info:    22/f/hell
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 102/120/21
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1526
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 936



    Description:
       something so simple can be so beautiful.
    revised.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRain Magicdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A purple sunset's magic
    floats between silver clouds,
    the esscence of a rainstorm
    sweeps the barren earth.
    Sprawled accross peeling remnants of my porch,
    i welcome the soothing tears of the sky.
    Every crystal sends tremors
    through lifeless skin.
    cold rivers run over bare flesh,
    relieving the pressures of every day existence.
    Each drop, a diamond kiss.
    Makes every inch of the spirit
    taste like freedom.
    Lifting battered arms
    to the sparkling tears of mother earth.
    Let them wash the bleeding rivers clean.
    Raindrops sizzle on my cigarette,
    a pop of small explosions.
    Freeing a little girl's giggle,
    trapped for so long.
    Laughter is foriegn and liberating.
    This simple gift of nature,
    holds a beauty unequaled.

    Life is ready to live again.




    Submitted on 2004-05-18 07:34:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Such liberation it is just enjoying the rain. I love this poem. It really really really captures that feeling. The subject may feel weary of life, feel trapped within themselves, but in the end the rain frees them and they remember the sweetness of it all. Life is ready to live again!
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
      Errr, I have no idea if you were naked or not but it certainly doesn't sound like it to me.

    You have some spelling errors; essence, across, foreign, unequalled. I'd recommend capitalising the initial letters of Mother Earth, and the lowercase I that you use.

    I think the "sound" is fine, but you could take Sandburg's suggestion and use that too.
    The only thing I would do about line breaks is create a new line after "silver clouds", "my porch" and "bare flesh".

    I liked this because you made it a nicely descriptive piece. It isn't ALL about the rain, or all about you.. you balanced it well.

    Lea
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent flow and wording, I might change that same "Sound" bit that Sandburg suggested but otherwise leave it how it is! It presents some great imagery, its a really good write. I don't recall seeing you before, but I do think I'll keep an eye out for somemore of your stuff!! Keep writing! ~Sicobe R. Crow




    ((PS! Smoking is BAD! Quit now while your alive!))
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot, but I'd break up some of the longer lines because I run out of breath reading them. The imagery is very nice.
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, I liked this because there was such a definite shift of mood from top to bottom.
    I didn't take it that you were sprawled out totaly naked on the porch. I also like to sit on my front porch during rain storms, feeling the mist as the breeze wafts over the rail.
    I think you could help this a bit with more line breaks. I think that deleting a few words would have more impact than leaving them in, but that would be up to you to decide, you are the one who lived the experience here. I do question "lifeless skin" I also question "the sound of small explosions"
    You shouldn't need to tell the reader something is a sound. Consider "Raindrops sizzle on my cigarette, the pop and hiss of small explosions" Can you hear that? No need to use the word "sound" now. I don't want to suggest the whole re write, but if you are interested in how I would do the line breaks let me know and I'll show you. Good job.
    | Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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