Description: More love fiction that came to me in a giant lump while trying to get to sleep one night. Just tell me what you think of it, if you think it's worth anything at all, and what I could do to make it better. Please don't be vague. Make me feel as though you really read it and tell me what kind of affect it had on you. I like comments to be personal, except when it comes to critiquing, though. It really irks me when work hard on a submisssion and all I get for feedback is a one line comment that says. "Duh, I really, duh, like this, duh, poem." Comment good or don't comment at all! I'll return the favor.
Untitled on a waking dream -------------------------------------------
Having faded from the waking dream
that I walked through all last night,
still wandering through the memories,
I set down my pen to write;
Looking up into the sky-
what stars once fell from there!
The moon had filled with golden light
what now is grey and bare;
The atmosphere thrums against my ears
with silence; how I care!
The loss is heavy on my heart;
music was everywhere.
How my heart danced with your every move-
how my heart rang like a bell!
absently I stroke my hand,'
where your kiss once fell.
Remembering, remembering...
I see and and smell and feel;
Do I remember truly, or imagine-
was any of it real?
I walk through the galleries of my heart-
a strange and delightful place;
all the halls are longingly graced
with the expression unique to your face...
.........Looking back, I marvel
at my souls capacity for joy,
looking back, I marvel...
Having faded from the waking dream that I walked through all last night, still wandering through the memories, I set down my pen to write;
Looking up into the sky- what stars once fell from there! The moon had filled with golden light what now is grey and bare;
The atmosphere thrums against my ears with silence; how I care! The loss is heavy on my heart; music was everywhere.
How my heart danced with your every move- how my heart rang like a bell! absently I stroke my hand,' where your kiss once fell.
Remembering, remembering... I see and and smell and feel; Do I remember truly, or imagine- was any of it real?
I walk through the galleries of my heart- a strange and delightful place; all the halls are longingly graced with the expression unique to your face...
.........Looking back, I marvel at my souls capacity for joy, looking back, I marvel...
and lament my wordlessness.
A simple structure graced with sophisticated thought and a refreshingly honest close. Perhaps the 'untitled' aspect of the post is derived from the unreality of your emotional state after waking from/ experiencing this reverie. Is love as real as it appears, or is the romanticism we attach to it an unattainable ideal? Quite a theme to consider.
I really liked this write. I could feel the emotion coming from it and it made me think of past things that have happened in my life. The only part of the poem I sort of see out of place is where you say...
Looking back I marvel at my souls capacity of joy, looking back i marvel
and lament my worldlessness.
That kind of through me off a little bit. It could just be me but it doesn't seem like it belongs there. other wise it reads very smooth and the stanzas are great. I like the imagery that you have in it.
My favorite stanza is....
How my heart danced with your every move- how my heart rang like a bell! absently I stroke my hand,' where your kiss once fell.
i'm not sure why but i feel like i could see myself doing this some night. all together a good write. the only thing i would change is the ending....
Submission Name: Untitled on a waking dream
