Can you please accept me? by kellz

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Submission Name: Can you please accept me? dots

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Author:	kellz
ASL Info:	25/F/England
Elite Ratio:	2.97 - 122/148/49
Words:	429

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	351
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	2454

Description:
HOW I FELT WHEN I MET MY BIG BROTHER SEAN WHEN I FOUND MY DAD

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Can you please accept me? dots

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You are my brother and always will be
I am growing, maturing, why can't you see
That I am not young anymore; I am an adult
And if something happens to me, it's no longer your fault

I know how to handle things and what to do
So can't you, just for once, think of only you?
I also know you are just looking out for me
But let me experience new things, this I must plea

I have met someone much older than I
When I am with him my sadness is high in the sky
But please don't be upset because I am glad
And if you think about it, it's not so bad

It's someone you trust and know very well
This is something very special, I can tell
So can't you just let us be happy as one?
And I hope you'll approve 'cause I love you a ton

I may not show my love for you
I know deep down inside you love me, too
And we never get along or can stand each other
But I'm proud to have you as my brother

So, please don't be mad at the one whom I like
Because maybe this time, love I will strike
And I'm telling you now through this poem
Because a whole new world I want to roam

I really like this person, in many ways
And, honestly, I know this isn't just a phase
But it won't be easy if you disapprove
So be my brother,love me...please, can you approve?

Let me live my life, the way I want to
Even though I don't show it, I love you, it's true
I'll keep you in my heart always
But I need to know you love me; I can't tell nowadays

Don't make me choose between him and you
Because I need you and you need me, too
I love him and I love you, but they are different kinds of love
And right now the only person I can turn to is the One above

I am confused as to what to do
Because I surely don't want to lose you
But I also want to be with this man
But I love you so much, I'm your biggest fan

I know you may disagree
How much I like this person you may not see
But, trust me, I've never before felt this way
So I'm begging you, please tell me you love me and give me the OK

Submitted on 2004-05-18 09:30:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  tis below is alot of attention to your spontaneous
rant or bequest,orpoem.
some good and some?(haha)
imagine quston mrks killing some one.
flourish words .
hey ,all i can say is the fact that the message content got out,great.
art can be reserved in many a form.
sometimes that means observing the creative process of tribes,nationalities,traditions,and/or
from people,places we dont know of,never knew,dont understand ,cant stand ,like to much and from alot more things we havent even discovered .

not being a big fan of snobbery,the only my idea of art,writing,etc. is the only way
i like your piece and relate to the out pour of feelings and desperation of your plea
nice things were said also
and well i guess its were you want the write to go,sound like,AND WHO OR HOW THE NARRATOR is going to be and how they speak your words,
most of my messages wouldnt be had by some academ.,even written on word and translated to the level to please each of their prefences(?)
write, write on,write your way,and be open to the differences of the world i say
what makes you so special for me to read Kelly is

you are...........open to others styles,street or schooled
love you paulie d
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by paulie d | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the poem but as manny people have said the rhyming does sound a little forced. but just to let you know it did give me the chills down my legs and to me that is a good thing i will be looking forward to reading more of your stuff
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
  aww.very elementary, but with a sweet meaning. you try too hard to rhyme, which i agree with learah, sounds very forced. poetry should just flow, yours just doesn't. not that it's all bad, you obviously wrote with feeling. but it seems restrained by the rhyme.
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a wonderful way to get what you want across. Has lots of feeling and emotion poured into it. I've seen lots of poems and read many different styles and this works. I never leave bad comment because it's all art and it is something to someone else and i'm just glad people are writing, that's magic in itself. So, i'm guessing this is a friend of your brothers and you like each other and i respect the fact that you respect your brother enough to ask him if it's okay. That should mean alot to him.

Semper Fidelis,
Christopher
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, the poem had lots a stanza,
I got the idea of this `write` quickly, and that is a compliment to you, but the words I think just goes out too easy that it would have been more appreciated if you used one that could go deeper.. and the rhyming was ok.. only one last... whats with the ? instead of apostrophe on some of the words....
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by zadhoevlhu13 | [ Reply to This ]
  I really thought that you should of cut out most of your stanzas. a lot of the rhymes ar stretched, and the question marks nearly killed me. I thought your choice of words were a bit elementary. It is a good topic and I think it would of been best of you revised it, a little shorter with less common words.
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by JR Hoodlum | [ Reply to This ]
  Errr... it's forced. VERY forced. And long winded and repetitive.. you're going over the same points again and again, it get's wearisome. And all the question marks are really head-wrecking.

It's a pity because I can see and feel the emotion, I'd recommend you find four or five stanzas that tell your message clearly, and work on them. A great poet here told me that the key to preventing forced rhyme is to get rid of all the superfluous worlds like you would on google... it, is, this, the... etc.

"So, please don?t be mad at the one whom I like
Because maybe this time, love I will strike"

This is an example.. I think @mad@ is very childish.. mommies get mad, teachers get mad.. it's a very childish word and suggests that you are not as mature as you are so desperately trying to prove. The "whom" seems wrong, as does the "I" in the following line.

It is heartfelt, and I think you could salvage it if you tried.
| Posted on 2004-05-18 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]

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