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Invisible World


Author: Toxic Rose
Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 159 /220 /97
Words: 100
Class/Type: Poetry /Nostalgia
Total Views: 994
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 689



Description:


I'll never truly be over you. But I can make room for more love. Where you, my dear, were in face the absense of love- now my affections are reciprocated.


Invisible World



In the misty shadows grey
Where ocean ends and sky begins
Whispered words fall on unseen ears
And melodies sift through clouds unclear.

Wistful dreams of stories yet to come
And hushed voices echo in the still, damp air
While waves fuse with sparkling mist
Shining from within, by starlight kissed.

Vast expanses of diamond swirls
Blend with blinding sapphire rays
And lock in a perpetual windswept dance
Battling on 'till the end of days.

Here I flee from darkness;
Here I hide from night-
Falling out of love with you
And beginning to make things right.




Submitted on 2006-07-31 23:17:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I really enjoyed this. The imagery is done with very rich images. If I could paint, I would paint these images you describe in such beauty.
The only thing I might suggest is that the last 4 lines seem clichéd in comparison with the rest of the poem. Falling in and out of love....
You could have something very distinctive and set apart with this poem. See if you like leaving out the last 4 lines.
Only if you want, of course..
Good job!
| Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by azure_warrior | [ Reply to This ]
  First, I have to say that the title was what really drew me in. It captures the essence of the poem so completly and normally I have a problem with titles...but this was just good. Now for the paragraph-by-paragraph:

In the misty shadows grey
Where ocean ends and sky begins
Whispered words fall on unseen ears
And melodies sift through clouds unclear. [[The rhyme pattern here is ABCC, very good rythem and it sounds like a kind of lulabye. It almost makes me feel like a kid again, where my Mom would read me a story before bed.]]

Wistful dreams of stories yet to come
And hushed voices echo in the still, damp air
While waves fuse with sparkling mist
Shining from within, by starlight kissed.[[First, there should not be a comma in between still and damp. There are not more than two and it just takes away from the flow. Remove the comma from inbetween within and by also. Very clear flow though the descriptions are getting kind-of heavy.]]

Vast expanses of diamond swirls
Blend with blinding sapphire rays
And lock in a perpetual windswept dance
Battling on 'till the end of days. [[Only one mistake here. In the third line where you say 'lock', it should be locked to make the tenses correct. I really like in the second line where you describe the world with 'blinding sapphire rays'.]]

Here I flee from darkness;
Here I hide from night-
Falling out of love with you
And beginning to make things right. [[Unlike azure_warrior, I think this last paragraph really works. The vivid descriptions-while good-get boring after a while. It's kind of like eating too much candy, after a while you kind of want something else. This last part really does the trick.]]

Overall, I think you did a fantastic job and your imagery skills are far beyond what I see from most young peoples. Have a nice day and thank you for sharing your talent with us!

~AshNight~
| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by AshNight | [ Reply to This ]


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